Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!

I just think that picture says it all! Here's to a wonderful and prosperous 2010!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I Actually Said, "NO WAY!"

Out loud when I saw the headline.

Judge: Birth Mom Must Give Child to Ex-Partner

Stories like this give me hope that someday we'll all be considered equal.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I Wondered Where That Was....

I'm going to miss everyone. Apparently, too much pot smoking while I was in college has finally caught up with me. 
I think I killed my last brain cell Saturday night.

I wonder if the measuring cup is in the fridge?

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Is It Ever Too Late?

Kylie says it's not. And I agree.

Tomorrow, I'm going to my aunt's house for lunch. My mother just stopped by and we were going over what we're taking. She said, "Just a few of us" at one point and then later said there would be 25 people. Confused, I asked her who WAS going to be there.

She said her sister had told her that just about everyone was going to be there, but never mentioned my favorite cousin's new girlfriend. He's 54 and recently divorced. Bitterly. As in, the ex got almost everything.

I really like his new girlfriend. She's really sweet, seems to adore HIM, and she's friendly. But my aunt thinks that he's had enough bad luck with women and should leave them alone.

And yet, my girlfriend was welcome and actually invited. What an odd double standard.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Quiet Christmas Eve

Most of you that know me, know that I'm an only child. With a catastrophic case of "only child syndrome." There's always the threat of being alone. No brothers or sisters mean no nieces or nephews. If I live long enough, I'll watch all of my family that I love so much go to the other side.

Driving around this morning, I started thinking about being without my Love this weekend. And I was a bit blue. Thinking of her and her big family. Eating crowded around the table. Tons of people and plenty of presents. I had a minor pity party.

Then suddenly, something inside me said, "Wait to see what these five days will bring before you discount them. Just wait. You might be surprised."

Later, I took My Love to the airport and she's on her way WAY up North. I picked up dinner for me and my parents and went to their house. The home that I grew up in. It was just the three of us. And it was just perfect.

What A Gift!

My Love is going home for Christmas. Without me. We can't drive 11 hours through a blizzard with out two fur-children, so last week we bought her a ticket. She's leaving today, Christmas Eve at 3pm and will be gone for five long days.

Since she won't be around for opening gifts tonight and tomorrow, we had our Christmas present opening with my parents yesterday afternoon. I'm drinking coffee this morning from the Starbucks Moose Mug that I've had my eye on for some time!

Like a lot of people, our Christmas was much leaner this year. But honestly, I didn't notice. We spent less. Big deal.

What was a big deal? Having dinner with my parents and all of us talking. Including my Daddy. He talks to My Love. TO her.

He's always been distant with my girlfriends. I know it's hard for him. He doesn't know what to do and what not to do, so sometimes, he's quiet and it seems that he's aloof.

But not yesterday. Yesterday, we ALL laughed and talked. And I realized again how very similar me and my Dad are.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It Wasn't Like You See On TV

I arrive at his front door and was quickly directed to his basement. Walk around his pool table that has long since been abandoned, to a side room. Concrete floor. Without heat, so it was in the 50 degree range. A bare incandescent bulb dangles from the ceiling. I am freezing.

He had gotten the roaster and the mill earlier in the day and told me
to be there as soon as possible. His friend had given him cacao beans the week before and we are going to play with them.

We are going to make chocolate of some sort.

We pour a double handful into the roaster and push one of the programs. About 16 minutes go by and I smell it. That heavenly chocolate smell. A smell that the raw beans didn't have when we put them in. And similarly to my keen sense of *knowing* when brownies are done, I knew when the cocoa beans had roasted long enough.

After running them through the mill to crack them into nibs, we walk outside with my blow drier. It's around 40 degrees and very dark outside. He blows and I run my hands through the nibs to sift and blow out the husks. I'm covered in debris, but we have nibs.

After damn near killing his new BlendTec blender, we have finely ground nibs mixed with dried milk and sugar....

and a perfect cup of hot cocoa that I can't even drink.

I did take a tiny taste and it was delicious! A tad gritty, but wonderful. After a little research, it turns out we need a Champion Juicer. I'll let you know if we get one. And if we do, I'm making some sugar free cocoa from scratch!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Still, One of My Favorites

When I first started blogging....nobody came. Nobody commented. Until Dana did. And then nobody else came around for a long time. It was just a few of us. Blogging.

I "met" Jay, Matt-Man, G-man and a few others. I had no idea what I was doing. I still don't. I have no "theme." No reason really to blog. Except that I hope when I'm 80, I can look back and remember.

I'm reminiscing because I came across this pic. Dana sent me this ornament a few years ago and I still love it! She made it. It just looks so happy to me. And I hope all of that happiness finds it's way back to her soon.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What Do YOU

want for Christmas?

Me? I'd like a concrete driveway. Think big! Whaddya want?

Besides her. She's just a picture from Lover's Lane Intimates.

And I Said

"No, not really." I quickly changed the subject back to the lights in the parking lot.

But I was thinking, "Are you kidding me? My Love would SHOOT you!"

When I emailed My Love later...thinking she'd get a laugh, she emailed back:

HELLLLL NO! Who is he? I will kick his ass!!

So, she really didn't see the humor in it. Later, we're chatting about it and she said, "They're always wanting to watch." If she believes that, I have some beach front property in East TN that she might like.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I Swear, I Did NOT Ask For THAT

I've been slack-jawed most of the morning. And still am quite.... well, flattered I supposed. Among other things. Apparently, I still have it "going on."

You see, I was sitting here. Minding my own business. Working. And one of the guys that works around here came in. He's a great looking guy. In his 40s. Available. I've always thought he was really attractive. Nice car. Dresses well. Always very put together.

I'd like to add that I look pretty cute today. ::winks::

We're talking about well, stuff. The lights in the parking lot. How lucky I am to have found the woman of my dreams. Christmas. What we're doing for New Year's. This. That. The other.

Then he says, "Would you two ever know, having a guy join you."

I'm afraid he may have seen my jaw hit the floor.

Monday, December 14, 2009


On Saturday, I eliminated sugar...refined sugar, that is...from my diet. Again.

Currently, I am a growling, grumpy-assed bitch. When I'm at my VERY best.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

How Can Two People Be SO Different?

You see, I'm a #4 in color and a #2 in size. I like 'em BIG. BIG, BIG, BIG!!!!

The bigger the better! But my Love, she like's 'em a #7 or even smaller. But riper than my perfect #4.

I swear, she has no idea what a good banana is like!

WHY would you want a little bitty banana? I will never understand her.

Friday, December 11, 2009

If You

are just going through the motions. If you're stuck in a rut. If you want something more.

Do it. Do it right now!

This is not a dress rehearsal. It's the only shot you have.

Laugh until you cry. Love. Be the bigger person. Give. Share. Be who you are meant to be. Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

No Thanks...I'll Pass

Monday morning, I went downstairs to have coffee with the love of my life. Things are a tad tighter around our house. We don't grocery shop as often and some of the luxuries are gone from the fridge.

But still, life's fantastic. I would never complain.

Me, pulling out the coffee pot: We're out of cream, aren't we?

Her, relaxing on the couch in front of the fire: No, I found some in the behind the wine.

Me: Good!

Her: If you pour it really slowly, the clumps don't come out. It tastes okay, too!

Just the word *clump* was enough for me.

Friday, December 4, 2009


My mother used to say, "you're acting ugly." She meant that I was being not nice, mean, vindictive, hateful.


Lately, I've been ugly. Very, very ugly.

I'm ashamed of myself. I know better. And I'm going to do better. Be better.

Someone in my life isn't nice to me. Doesn't love me. Thinks little of me. Treats me poorly. And no, it's not someone that I can avoid. That's my usual tactic.

When someone treats me that way, I can turn. I try to kill them with kindness, but that does get old. Sometimes I don't think they deserve my niceness.

I turn ugly. I am clever and quick, so if you put me down, I'll put you down harder, but in a backhanded way that will occur to you later. If you hate something about me, I'll flip it on you before you even know what hit you.

It takes a lot to get me to go "ugly." But when I do, I am relentless. And I have been for the last week. Even though this person is gone, the ugliness harbors inside of me.

Today, I want it gone. I'm going to let it go and try a little harder to not be ugly. Because it is directly affecting the one person that I love the most. Me.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

If You're Going To Put Your Finger In My

Well, my "backdoor"....I'd like a little notice.

Yesterday, I had my annual girl visit with the doctor. She's chit chatting asking if I'd been on any vacations this year and WOW, I wasn't expecting THAT.

My eyebrows are still up at my hairline!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Too Much In Common

I'm off on Monday's now. The recession has reached me and it's such a great thing to have more time for me. I love "me time."

I hit the gym this morning and did a sweet thing for a friend. Came home. Got my easel upstairs and the paints out. All my playthings ready to go.

The phone rings. It's my aunt. My other aunt's at her house and they both want me to come over. I'm in my painting clothes. A t-shirt, sweatpants and a fleece sweatshirt. Tacky. But I'm just running over for a little visit.

I get there and all of the neighborhood ladies are coming over for lunch. What a blast we had! Talking about their old days. The men that courted them and only wanted in their pants! How the things in my crackers in the kitchen are pantry moths. How we don't take shit anymore!

I called my friend to check in with her and told her what a great time I had.

Me: We laughed and talked and who knew old ladies would be so much fun?

Her: Well, you have a lot more in common with them now!

I'm only forty-four!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Yesterday Really Felt Like Thanksgiving

My Love has been working on replacing our light switches and outlets. Last week....there was a noise and no more electricity in the living room and my upstairs bedroom. Something happened.

I called my cousin, an electrician, who I know...but I don't really KNOW know him.

He's about 15 years older than I am, so we missed each other's teenage years. Never played together. But his parents, I knew really well. They would stop by our office and talk for hours. I loved them dearly. My uncle, his dad, died a few years ago and his mother is now mentally gone. I miss them so much.

Yesterday, he arrived around 9:45am. And we started talking. We talked and talked and talked some mroe. Told stories about every one of my uncles. Some of the aunts. Talked religion.

I heard stories that I never had heard before about my family. I heard the whole story of my cousin that killed himself at my grandmother's house when I was ten. I was left in the car that night in front of her house and was too young to know what went on.

We talked about my Daddy and his and how they used to have to sneak off to drink a beer when they'd all go camping and fishing.

My Love came home. She sat in and listened. My mother came over. We all talked some more. Around 4pm, he finished with what should have been about a 30 minute job. I offered to pay him and he said, "Merry Christmas and I love you!"

That was the final message from his Dad on his deathbed. That we need to tell each other we love each other. And so I say to you, tell the people that you love that you love them. It's important.

Friday, November 27, 2009

My Mother

I have two dogs that live IN the house. I wasn't raised that way. I was raised to be "clean." And dogs in the house, to my mother signifies "dirty."

Although, I do a pretty good job keeping up with the fur. For me, that's the biggest issue.

There's been a rash of robberies in our area. We live in the country, but now they've build a mall within 5 miles of us. Sitting on my front porch, you'd think podunk. But I can be at a Starbucks, Target or Theatre within minutes.

Me: Maybe you could get a small dog for inside the house. You know, having a dog in the house is the biggest detterent against thieves.

Her: I couldn't possibly have a dog in the house. They're dirty. They pee. They poop. They throw up. I just couldn't do it.

Me: Thanks for letting me stay in the house when I was a baby.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Pass The Turkey

Here's wishing everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with women cooking in bras and aprons!!!!

P.S. I'd bet my mashed potatoes that Jay just drooled.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I Love It When That Works

I'm sitting here at the computer as she's getting undressed behind me. I turn around,

"Flash me your boobs!"

::pulls shirt up and smiles::

And that's just one of the reasons that I'm thankful this holiday season!

Something To Think About

"To love or not, in this we stand or fall."

John Milton

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Legislating Wealth

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation.. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

~~~~ Dr. Adrian Rogers from Ten Secrets for a Successful Family, 1996

Friday, November 20, 2009

I Wish

My Starbucks cup got me to thinking. It says:

When you wish
The world becomes brighter
So wish, it's what makes
The holidays, the Holidays

What would I wish for?

I wish that the people and animals that I love would never die.

What would you wish for?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I Am Desperate...

to put up my Christmas decorations. And apparently, I'm not alone. I'm seeing people's houses lit up like never before!

I want to light up mine. Red it up. Deck my halls, get festive and totally in the spirit.
But my love says it's too early. Scrooge.

Tell it too early? Yes or no.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

You Know What I Love....

about being over 40?

I don't take any crap off of anyone. Ever.

And, I love knowing that I'm not ever going to take any crap ever from anyone ever again. I'm smart enough now to know that I don't have to. I wasn't always that savvy. I used to take crap. Be nice. Suck it up.

I don't anymore. And I love that.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I Think I Can Handle The Truth

Waaaay back in the day, my best friend dated an older guy. Nowadays, we call them pedofiles. We were 15, he was 26. He was incredibly cool, or so we thought.

My love and I just had a conversation about codes in songs. On the radio played, "The Other Woman" by Ray Parker Jr. He sings...

I'm in love with the other woman
My life was fine (Yes it was)
Till she blew my mind

That's when I brought up how my best friend's boyfriend had told us what "blew my mind" was "code" for. My Love says ain't no such thing.

Now, I'm feeling like I've been duped by Mr. Pedofile. Was he just wanting a BJ or is it code for a BJ?

Someone tell me the truth!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Rules for Being Human

I received this eons ago, probably when I was in my 20s. Every time I read it, I am blown away. I just found it again tucked away in a little drawer. I think I may need to leave it out.

The Rules for Being Human

You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for as long as you live. How you take care of it or fail to take care of it can make an enormous difference in the quality of your life.

You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called Life. Each day, you will be presented with opportunities to learn what you need to know. The lessons presented are often completely different from those you think you need.

There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error and experimentation. You can learn as much from failure as you can from success. Maybe more.

A lesson is repeated until it is learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it (as evidenced by a change in your attitude and ultimately your behavior) then you can go on to the next lesson.

Learning lessons does not end. There is no stage of life that does not contain some lessons. As long as you live there will be something more to learn.

“There” is no better than “here”. When your “there” has become a “here” you will simply discover another “there” that will again look better than your “here.” Don’t be fooled by believing that the unattainable is better than what you have.

Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself. When tempted to criticize others, ask yourself why you feel so strongly.

What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you create with those tools and resources is up to you. Remember that through desire, goal setting and unflagging effort you can have anything you want. Persistence is the key to success.

The answers lie inside of you. The solutions to all of life’s problems lie within your grasp. All you need to do is ask, look, listen and trust yourself.

(From the book "If Life is a Game, These are the Rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Swag Thanks

I just have to say....if you ain't Swagbuckin', you are totally missin' out!

I've amassed over $100. Seriously. Just by using them as my search engine. I use it whenever I think about it. It's most certainly not every day. But on days I don't, I kick myself.

I want to thank Allison, Angela, Laura, Julie, Janelle, CG, Dominic's in for a hundred Swag Bucks, and so are Karen, Kelli and Linda! When you refer someone, Swag Bucks will match their bucks up to 100! Thanks guys, you rock!

For every 45 bucks I earn by searching, I earn a $5 gift card. There are lots of options for using your Swagbucks, but that's what I use mine for. You can get darn near anything at Amazon.

I just wanted to say thanks to the folks that help fund my shoe addiction.

Search & Win

P.S. I finally got the Kitchen Aid mixer for my birthday!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Welcome to the Gayborhood!

Last week, as you may remember, I dropped off a little something for my new neighbor. I'd seen his truck come and go and I just kept missing him. I wanted to deliver it in person, so that I could say hello and welcome him. But it wasn't in the cards.

A few days after the droppage, I hear a knock at the door. AND IT'S HIM!

Perhaps I'm a little over excited to have a neighbor. You see, my old neighborhood was like Mayberry. Everyone knew everyone. We'd gather outside for movies in the cul-de-sac, hang out and chat and well, be neighborly.

Here....I've had no one close by to say, borrow an egg from. But now....NOW I do! And he's so wonderful! And friendly! And sweet as pie! And honestly ya'll....I just love him.

Oh, where was I?

I let him in and we immediately hit it off. He loved everything in the "goodie bag" and was so grateful. His daughter stole the pretzels and took them off to college with her.

He toured the house and the "gardens." (I crack myself up. You'd have to see the yard to understand.) We sat on the big brown couch and chatted the afternoon away drinking wine and beer and loving every minute of it!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Veteran's Day

Thanks to Dana, a vet herself, over at Amid Life's Crises. Today she posted the story below and I want to share it with you just in case you don't go by her place. Thanks for serving us, Dana!

My uncle John served in WWII and died in service. I missed meeting my uncle because he gave his life so that I can have such a fantastic one. Live in a free country. Say what I want. Be what I want. Who I am. I am free because of so many people.


Bob Greene, CNN Contributor
Editor's Note
: CNN Contributor Bob Greene is a bestselling author whose new book is "Late Edition: A Love Story."

(CNN) -- The woman's Halloween costume featured a Third Reich motif.

This was last weekend in a sprawling bar-and-restaurant complex near U.S. 41 on the west coast of Florida. I had made the miscalculation of stopping by in pursuit of a quiet cheeseburger, not realizing that adults in trick-or-treat costumes were making the rounds on this sultry evening.

The woman (or the costume shop from where she had purchased her uniform) at least had the good sense to omit the actual swastikas, but that was the only bit of subtlety. The Heinrich Himmler high-fronted military cap, the boots, the swagger stick she kept slapping against her palm. . .some of the customers, playing along, did little comic goose steps as they passed her.

I looked up from my newspaper and tried to surmise if anyone was going to be offended enough by this odious display to leave. She beat them to it; she and her friends made a few quick passes through the aisles of the place, then returned to the night, ready to continue their revelry elsewhere.

Halloween in the United States is an increasingly odd holiday, no longer child's play, but on this evening I was thinking about another holiday, this one official, that is coming up this week: Veterans Day.

And, having unexpectedly encountered the woman in her getup, I found myself wondering what, six and seven decades ago, they would have made of it: what the 16 million Americans who served in the armed forces during World War II, who were sent across the ocean to defeat a brutal enemy, would have thought about this scene.

They're old men now, the soldiers who remain; many are frail and in ill health. It can be easy for us to forget that, when they were uprooted from their daily lives in the 1940s, no one knew what the history books would eventually say. No one knew the outcome. They were little more than kids, many of them; they were in effect told by our country:

Are you in school? You'll have to leave it. Have a new wife? You'll have to say goodbye to her. Working at a job you like? Tell your boss that you have to quit.

We need you to go halfway across the world, because we need you to save the world.

And they did it. Some 292,000 U.S. soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines were killed in battle during World War II; another 114,000 died from noncombat causes. Some 671,000 U.S. troops were injured, many of them grievously.

The uniforms they put on were not Halloween getups; neither were the uniforms of the enemies they confronted across the oceans. On their way to fight the war, it's a pretty fair guess that they were scared and lonely. They understood that there was no guarantee they would ever be coming home.

Each November we are asked to pause and honor them, which is, or should be, an honor in itself. After the events of the last week at Fort Hood in Texas, with their reminder of the sacrifices that the men and women of the military make for us, Veterans Day will hold special meaning this year.

This November also marks the second anniversary of the death, at age 92, of my friend Paul Tibbets, who I got to know extraordinarily well during the last years of his life. I'd like to say a few words about him here.

At the age of 29, out of all the men and women in the U.S. military, he was selected for a task of almost unfathomable importance. He was told to recruit, organize, supervise and command a group of soldiers and airmen who were to train in absolute secrecy. If he succeeded, he was told, then the war could be won.

Someone had started a terrible fight; he was asked to finish it.

He did. He got his unit ready. And on an August day in 1945, he flew a B-29 he had named for his mother, Enola Gay, to Japan, where he and his crew dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. It was the single most violent act in the history of mankind, and he carried it out without flinching because he believed, in the deepest part of his heart, one thing above all others:

He could end the long war. He could stop the killing. All of the American soldiers who were on their way to the shores of Japan for a land invasion could turn around and go home, could raise families, could live again in a world at peace.

He understood the controversy, and the anger, with which his mission would be received by some. He understood that there were people who would forever hate him. He and I talked about it many times before he died. After the war, he told me, President Harry Truman asked him if people were saying unpleasant things to him because of the bomb. Paul Tibbets told the president that, yes, some people indeed were.

And Truman said:

"You tell them that if they have anything to say, they should call me. I'm the one who sent you."

So it's November again. Veterans Day is upon us.

There is a quotation variously attributed to Winston Churchill or George Orwell. Regardless of our individual politics, regardless of our beliefs about the rightness or wrongness of a particular war, the words are worth reflecting upon anew this week:

"We sleep soundly in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm."

And so, to all who have served us, then, now, and in the future, a word of somber thanks, from those of us here at home.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Go Ahead, Hate Me

This morning, my Love says, "Hey, let's go to the condo for the weekend."

I feel like a cad complaining, but I'm a control freak. I like to plan. I only like to be spontaneous if *I* am the one doing the spontaneous stuff because I've planned like hell in my head!

I have so much to do. I'm not a "throw a few things" in a bag and take off kind of girl. I *think* I am, but today I'm realizing that I'm not.

I'm a control freak and a planner.

But I'm a control freak and a planner that's spending a three day weekend on the Redneck Riviera.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Define Frump

Because, frankly, I feel like my picture should be there. Right there in the dictionary under frump.

I need new clothes. I would love some new jewelry. A trip to Sephora? Yes, please. Wants and needs.

And then I end up being defined by what I own, instead of who you are. How well I can entertain someone. If I can make them laugh. Feel good about themselves. If I'm loving and willing to spend time bringing someone else up that might be down.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I Have A New....


He moved in a few days ago. I assume he's a boy because he drives a truck. Quite sterotypically minded of me, isn't it?

Anyway, I'd like to go over. Say hi. Take him a little something to welcome him to our new neighborhood.

But what?

I've struggled with it. Homemade brownies? Cookies? What if he's diabetic? Doesn't like chocolate? What if he's got high blood pressure? No pretzels.

I have a few things put together for him.

Here's hoping he's always wanted a lesbian neighbor.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Happy Hollow Weenie!

Our friends had their huge Halloween bash last Saturday night. Can you guess what I was? Huh? Can ya? Meo-rawr!

It was a blast!

Hugh Hefner with the "Girls Next Door" showed up, three girls in tiny Pirate outfits, a stripper, a schoolgirl, Clark Kent and Superman, The Devil (mine), the entire cast of Batman, and Fay Wray along with King Kong.

This weekend is reserved for kickin' back with some chili and handing out candy to the little ones. I want to do as little as possible.

What are you going to be for Halloween? Have any big plans?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Our Company Doesn't Have A Volley Ball Team

Aqua Net Solutions

While I was looking for a picture of Aqua Net....the pic above caught my attention. Apparently, there's also an Aqua Net Solutions in Belgium.

And they have a Women's Beach Volleyball team.

I wonder if they're taking applications?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Filed In My Brain Under, "I Shit You Not"

Last week, my work phone rang and a girl proceeded to ask to speak to the manager, owner, or someone that could give her their money. Since I'm the gatekeeper around here, I finally got her to the point where I ask if she'd like to leave her name and number.

She said...

Wait. I really should point out that I am not a fun maker of. I was made fun of a blue-billion times growing up. Nothing about it was my fault. I was chubby (genetically) and red-headed. With dimples in all of the wrong places. And some in the right places. So, I'm really not one to laugh at someone else's misfortune or whatever. I'm not. I don't do it. Well, I didn't...until now.

And so, she said, "This is Aquanet Jones (not her real last name) and...."

Right there is where I lost my shit. I know they are used to people hanging up on them. And I did. Right there, I hung up on her.

So, I could laugh my stinkin' ass off.

What's the best name you've ever heard?

P.S. It could have been Aqua Net....because I did not have the wherewithall to ask her how to spell it. I lost it way before then.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Lookie Here!

Over 100,000 page views. Unbelievable. Seriously, it is!

I just wanted to say thanks for stopping by. Because, I never keep up with my blogaversary or when I've hit certain numbers. But I happened to check my stats today and saw that we've blown past 100,000 page views!


So, thanks for getting to know me and letting me get to know you. I meet the nicest people here.

You rock!

P.S. I know you didn't read this.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Six Lesbians On A Couch

We could have fitted more.

I had nine women over for brunch and football. That's what some of us lesbians do on Sunday. Sometimes.

One made omelettes to order. You would LOVE her!
One brought a fruit compote with cake. She's the healthy one.
One brought homemade French Toast Casserole. OH. YES!
One made hash browns.

I prepped for the omelettes and made this:

Williams Sonoma Pecan Pumpkin Butter Spread

1/2 jar of
Williams Sonoma Pecan Pumpkin Butter
1 block of cream cheese
3 strips of bacon, chopped into small pieces and browned
3 T. toasted pecans
3 spring onions, chopped

Mix the pumpkin butter, bacon pieces and toasted pecans together. Pour, or rather dump, over a block of cream cheese on a pretty plate. Top with spring onions. Throw some crackers on there, too.

I called it "Turd on Cream Cheese." And they ate every damn drop! Scraped it off of the plate. It really was wonderful and tasted MUCH better than it looked.

I'd have taken a picture, but then you'd have never even tried it. It looked THAT bad. A spring of parsley would have only made matters worse.

I don't even want to talk about Titans Football. At all.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I'm Sad

One of our employees who's from Mexico is going home. For good. I'm going to miss him.

In the beginning he spoke very little English. That was eons ago. Now, he's fluent. And for all of this time, he's been trying to teach me Spanish. I've failed miserably.

That's how we became friends. I 'hola' him, because we're a family business and he's like family.

I'm gonna miss him. Say a prayer or think a happy thought as he takes a 36 hour bus ride home to San Luis Potosi. It'll be tough, but I bet it's been tougher being away from his grandchildren.

Buen Viaje, Roga!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Straight Girl Sex

Johanna Dray

I've never done it with a straight girl. Mostly because, well....I've never had the opportunity.

I wonder if it's really that fabulous?

Tell me.
Is it?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Starbucks FREE Birthday Drink

No, I didn't get mine, either. And it kinda pissed me off. I mean they SAY they're sending me one if I put my date of birth on their form.

I did what they asked.

My birthday came.

My birthday went.

I googled it. Nobody knows anything. Nothing on their website about how it works.

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE!!! MY birthday. And Starbucks didn't get me a present. Trust me, if you was as addicted as I am, and visited these people several times a'd expect something. Even if it was just a little cup of Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte.

So I wrote them. And I said:

How do you expect me to believe your tales of Global Responsibility, Environmental Stewardship, Community Involvement and Ethical Sourcing when you don't even send me my birthday gift like you promised? (or something like that)

They sent back a form letter. I hate form letters. But that's what I got for my birthday.

In regards to your inquiry, you should receive your Starbucks Card Rewards birthday beverage postcard within 30 days before or after your birthday depending on when you registered. We recently mailed the first round of birthday postcards, which covers all customers who signed up prior to September 20, 2009, who had a birthday in August or September. As a special surprise and delight, customers with a birthday in August will still receive the postcard even though it was prior to the launch of this new benefit.

Warm Regards,


Well Jonathan,

Perhaps you should explain that you're just giving away a free coffee for adding your birthday and registering your card. Because sending me a gift 30 days after my birthday is's late is what it is.

A Very Late Latte.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Not Fit For Humans

First off, don't google "rip your head off." Trust me on that.

Today, I don't feel "right."




So, since I have nothing nice to say....

Head on over to Vodka Mom's and enter her giveaways HERE and HERE.

P.S. Two teenagers just walked by and obviously decided NOT to come into my offices. Smart boys.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Who Do You Love?

Name one person, place, thing, animal, vegetable, mineral, cat, dog, hamster. Something. Anything!

I love my parents, my family in general but most of all and at the tip top of my list are the people and fur children that I live with. The love of my life, Trace and Isaac.

I know you love something. Name it!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

What Am I Doing?

Going to tractor pull? What was I thinking? Really? A tractor pull. If I could, I would roll my eyes at myself. Not that there's anything wrong with it. I'm just not a big fan of loud or tractors.

My mother's side of the family is from a VERY small town in a very rural part of TN. They think I'm a City Mouse because I live in the big city of Nashville.

I grew up with these cousins. We went down there every weekend growing up. We'd stay at my grandparent's house. Wake up to a big country breakfast where we had things like fresh sausage and biscuits with my grandmother's fingerprints on them. Then, a late Sunday lunch with my cousin falling asleep on the floor after eating too much chocolate cake.

Football on the TV in the living room, with the men snoring. The women still sitting around the kitchen table talking and picking at the cake. Sipping on a cup of coffee.

So, I'm going down there to visit this weekend. I haven't been since my cousin, Sheila died five years ago. I don't do death very well.

They're having a big tractor pull on my cousin's farm and I promised that I would come. I promised last year, but I had mono. This year, I'll definitely go.

But I kinda don't want to. What I really want is one of the old weekends with everyone eating and laughing. Women crowded in the kitchen with everyone making something different.

And I want my grandparents back.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Seventy Four

That's how old my mother is. Doesn't she look AMAZING!!!!???

This is one of my favorites of them holding hands and taking their vows.

Me and the love of my life. She looks pretty happy, too!

And after things settled down a bit, we broke out the rum. I'm going to give you the punch recipe soon, because it was amazing!

Monday, October 5, 2009

What You've Been Waitin' For.....

Pictures from the photographer. Of course, being an anonymous blogger (well, kinda), I had to find pictures that didn't really show anyone up close. Ones that gave you the FEEL of the day without killing anyone's privacy.

The tables and the huge tissue paper balls that I made a few nights before. It rained TWO INCHES that Saturday and had just stopped and cleared up an hour before. The sun came out on a day that no one believed that it would. I think God knew he had to quit it out or my mother would be *pissed.*

One hundred chairs turned out to be just about perfect!

The landing of the stairs that I ran up. And down. And up. And down. 183,793 times before anyone even arrived. I managed to have a smile on my face. Even though I wasn't drinking. Yet.

Here's THE DRESS! Just waiting, like it had all the time in the world to make her even more beautiful than she already was.

The 74-year-old bride all dressed up and peeking with the flower girl. They were trying to kill time, while everyone was arriving and being seated. It took us maybe 5 minutes to get dressed. What are you women doing that go upstairs for an hour and are late for the wedding. I guess she already knew what she was getting in to.

The crowd. The rest of them are menfolk hanging back. You know how they do that and hell, I don't know what they do back there. But they're in the back around the pool deck. Being guys. Doing guy stuff. Waiting the "guy way."

That's it for now. I have a few more, but you know how I love to tease you!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Not One More Minute...

could I wait.

We'd been goofing off all day. First to watch my coach squat 970 pounds. Amazing. Then to the mall to goof off at Aveda, Williams Sonoma and Teavana. And finally to the video kiosk to pick up Twilight.

Sitting there on the couch, I was cold and the rain outside made it feel like winter. We could have turned on the heat, but it's just too damn early. It's barely October.

We finally caved and built our first fire of the season. Trace is relaxing in front, soaking up a little warmth in her old doggie bones.

Friday, October 2, 2009


From Long Story Longer. I just love her. She's all sorts of cool. She runs 5ks, dreams about girl sex, takes surfing lessons (and tangles with surf boards) and she has some gorgeous photography on her site. See. She's cool. Just the kind of chick that you wish lived next door.

I had to steal this when I saw it. Here's hoping that if you're married straightly, that you were virginal.

Otherwise, off with yer head! ;) Sorry ladies. It's the law.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The BEST Birthday Present

Last year, my Love and I filled out the paperwork to be qualified as Domestic Partners at her work. We finalized our wills, sent in copies of our mortgage and deed, and jumped through numerous hoops to PROVE that we are indeed committed to each other financially.

Yesterday, it went through. I'm officially domestically partnered. And I have an insurance card with both of our names on it to prove it.

Not quite as good as getting married, but close.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


My birthday is on Thursday. :) I thought you should know that my birthday week has already started.

With fabulous presents like this:

That was me mid-rowr being goofy! It really looks like this when it's being serious:

I received a huge box in the mail on Saturday during the party prep, but I didn't have time to open it. So I had to wait until Sunday when I could REALLY enjoy whatever goofy present was inside. I honestly expected something silly from a new friend, but what I got was exactly what my heart desired, but my head would never buy.

A white white faux sheepskin throw! Gorgeous! I couldn't believe it. It was way too much, but how can you be mad when someone gets you exactly what you had been dreaming of. Well, if you dream of a house with no dog fur.

A Beautiful Soul

One of my favorite friends and I were just talking about how you forget how beautiful people are when you don't see them everyday. When you talk to them often, you focus in on their soul. On what's inside.

She said:

"I love that I forget how beautiful my friends are and that they all have that same level of beauty when I don’t see them every day. Sometimes it’s a shocker when I DO get to see them, OH shit, I forgot how stunning your eyes are. And my friend John in AZ, has the greatest smile on the planet. And Julie in Naples, she’s just plain fucking cute. I forget how cute she is. I love that looks fade away when you find someone who’s soul shines like they do. I’m a soul hugger."

And now you see why I love her so.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I Realized That I Needed To Take A Shower

around 1pm, when the cake lady arrived to put the cake together. Oh how I wish you could taste it. FABULOUS! Moist. Soft. Just sweet enough. Not too much icing. It was perfection!

My Love and I did all of the decorating alone after the people who were supposed to help us backed out. So much for friends. But we got it finished. Barely.

Luckily, I had made the paper balls a few nights before. My wedding coordinator, Trudi made me. I'm so glad she stayed on me and made me prepare early. Without her, I'd have never made it. Actually, without her, my Love, and my flower friend....there's no way this would have happened.

People would be here in two hours, I thought. I was completely wrong. I hopped into the shower as the first person arrived!

By the time I was half-way dressed, ten people were here. And they kept on coming until we had 92 people to help us celebrate!

P.S. You'll have to wait for the rest. The photographer has them on her camera and I'm at her disposal.