Thursday, July 30, 2009

Are You Interested?

This morning, my uncle came up to my desk, "Are you interested in going to Southeastern China?"

He's been several times and always comes back with silk rugs and exotic treats...including the crystal ball that I have on my desk.

He wants to go hiking in the Yellow Mountains. Not your average hike. The scenery is amazing and it makes me gasp just looking at it in pictures. I'm a tad scared of falling to my death.

My answer is yes. YES!!!! I'd love to go. But we'll have to see how the economy is faring over the next few months. We have no projects to work on at my job, so I may be on unemployment and job searching if things don't turn around soon.

Send up a little prayer that we have a construction boom in Nashville very soon! And I promise I'll bring you back something very cool like I did last time!

Monday, July 27, 2009

I Wish She Would Let Me Help Her

My Love is pressure washing, bleaching and staining the deck and fence. It's a LOT of work. We have a little more than 1/2 acre fenced with beautiful wood scalloped fencing. (You can see it on the right hand side of the pic.) You're supposed to wait about a year before you treat new wood. She knew that. I didn't.

She wants to do it all by herself. My Love's so fast and efficient that sometimes I feel like I'm just in the way when I try to help. I'm such a goober when it comes to mechanical stuff.

I made her a margarita and got out of the way.

Interesting Post

Over at Dana's house today. Go say what you think.

Friday, July 24, 2009

My First Girlfriend's Father

He looked just like that. Just uglier. Meaner. And bigger.

He hated me.

I was 16. I had met his daughter, Lisa at our place of work. She befriended me and showed me the ropes.

Lisa pursued me.
She knew that I was straight, but I was what she wanted. She drove me around in her jeep. Made me laugh. She swept me off of my 16 year old feet. Easy to do. I'd only been out with boys up until then.

I kissed her one night when we had a sleep over at my house. I felt like I discovered the wheel. I wrote her a letter, but I never mailed it. I hid it under my bed in a box of stationery. Sifted it into the blank pages.

My mother, the snoop, found it. After which, she immediately blew a gasket and called the other set of parents.

That's why he hated me. Because I made his daughter gay. He wanted to kill me. He told me. He was violent towards his daughter. He hit her. Bruised her. Hurt her the night he found out. Threw her around the house like a ragdoll.

I hated him right back.

Until today. I walked into the post office and waited in line. When I reached the counter, he stepped out from the back where he was working to talk to the lady helping me. He waited for a chance to ask her a question.

He is probably around 65 years old. And you know what? He's only about 5'10". The booming voice that scared the living hell out of me still resides in him. But today, he looked like just an old man.

I'm no longer afraid of him. I choose to forgive him.


I just got back from talking to a friend and she was telling me about her new MBT walking shoes.

"They are like putting your foot into an orgasm!"

I'm buying a pair. Right now.

Here's hoping that she doesn't have crappy lovers.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Lesbian Drama With Straight Woman

Drama. I hate it.

We have a friend who is extremely overly flirty with everyone. We love love love her girlfriend. Mostly we just say, "That's just Kimmie." Until last weekend. A good friend saw her kissing the back of a straight girl's neck while they were dirty dancing.

Holding her hair up. And kissing.

The next day, Lori called me upset worried that those two were having an affair. I told her no way, that's just the way Kimmie is.

Until my friend told me about the neck kissing. I think that's different. Totally different than sitting on laps and putting your boobs in my face...which is annoying, but that's just her way.

Yesterday, I talked to Lori and everything's okay between them again. But she doesn't know about the neck thing. I wish I didn't.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

If You Ever Go To Zion, Stay Here

We stayed at Zion Canyon Bed and Breakfast for two heavenly nights. Honestly, ya'll. It really looked like this when we drove up. Amazing views. Gorgeous home. Breakfast was beyond divine and the hosts gave us such great advice on things to do and places to have dinner. That's what I love about B&Bs. The people that run them are always so warm and welcoming!

Here's the view from our bed in "The Master" suite. Since it was my Love's birthday, we splurged and stayed in the nicest room. Worth every penny. Check out this view....

My heavens, the bathroom. Divine. WITH a steam shower. If you've never done it, you've gotta try it. Granite everywhere. Beautiful. The guy walking outside had quite the show, before I realized that our bathroom was full of windows.

We fell in LOVE with this bed. And if you find one like it, I'll give you a Yankee Dime. My aunt used to always say that. I'd love to give one to My Love for Christmas. It's her dream bed.

And, our room came with it's very own pussy cat!


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I Was Going To Post Something Else...

but I just received the nicest compliment from my new friend, Trudi. She said,

"I could tell you love hard. In a soft way..which is how I love. I like that about you."

I like her, too.

Friday, July 17, 2009

The Most Funnest Thing We Did: VIDEO FIXED!

Call me a country girl, but I prefer the outdoors to the casino any day. On Saturday, I booked us a Sunset Rhino Tour with Mild To Wild Rhino Tours. With Buddy as our guide and my Love as my driver, we rode off onto Gooseberry Mesa.

The views were phenomenal. The little video from my Mino hardly does it justice, but I'm gonna share it anyway. We followed Buddy for about 3 1/2 hours over boulders, down into valleys and to the edges of the mesa. Beautiful. Then he asked if we'd like to go on a little hike up to some petroglyphs. Of course, we would!

Honestly, this was super fun. It was worth every penny and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Here's us being goobers:

Honey, I'm Home!

I'm back. And I'm soooooooo tired.

I'm with Dana on the "recovery day." I desperately needed one or let's be honest, two days to do laundry, catch up on my blog reading and sleep!

First, I want to thank Jay, Chris and Dana for filling in for me! Great posts! Lotsa fun! They're always a great read.

What did I do besides have sex with a three-eyed girl on a pirate ship? Lots.

I lost every dime that I took with me to Vegas to gamble with. We had $1.75 left on the last night and saved it to tip the shuttle guy. Sorry dude, that's all we've got!

It was my first and probably last trip to Vegas. I realized that I'm more of a National Park kind of girl. I like the outdoors. I love to hike. Hate to be cooped up in a hotel room. Hate being cooped up in a casino even more.

I've got pictures, but they're not downloaded. I've got stories, but I'm too tired to tell 'em.

Tell me, what did you do while I was gone?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Sex With The Three Eyed Girl On A Pirate Ship

It's our last night in Vegas and we had a little while to drink and piss away our last few dollars. We did. I had three screwdrivers and my Love had a few beers, while we played penny slots...which by the way, are not.

Tired from driving for hours and hours from Zion through The Valley of Fire and along Lake Mead, we decided to head up to the room around 10pm.

"Do you want an Ambien?"

"Yes, please! I need a good night's sleep."

I don't like to take anything, but I was overly tired and we had a very early plane flight.

She pinched my titty! One thing led to another....

My vision started blurring and she developed a third eye. But it didn't really bother me that much, her third eye. She's still cute. Especially with her new hairdo!

In my mind, we were on a pirate ship amid hundreds of other people.

Picture this in your mind. Two lesbians in a pirate orgy. Try to find me. It's easy. I'm the one screwing the three-eyed girl.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

“She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party” ~Groucho Marx


Oh heavens! Is their room for me in here? I'm not sure what to do with Jay and Skylers Dad though ... what kind of lesbian invites her bi friend over to a house full of men while she's out of town?? Pfftt!

Even worse? I lost my party invitation and can't remember if I'm here on the right day. Maybe that explains all of these men?

I'm Dana from Amid Life's Crises. Those of you who have been hanging out with RLL for some time might remember my
Needle in the Haystack guest post series from last year - I was "LouAnne."

RLL and I go way back ... well at least way back in bloggy years. No not doggy years, bloggy years. One calendar year equals 2.784 bloggy years. Well ... yeah ... I'm blowing smoke up your butt, but that's what we do at parties, right?? RLL was one of my first "real" commenters - someone who didn't know me, yet for some silly reason read my nonsense contemplative thoughts and kept coming back. I still love her for that although it does bring in to question her mental stability!

So ... what should we talk about today? You know, this is a party and we need a little bit of that social bull shit chit-chat.

There is much ado about the American Civil Liberties Union, Lambda Legal and the National Center for Lesbian Rights requesting they be part of a federal lawsuit challenging California's same-sex marriage ban. What? You don't come to RLL's parties to talk politics?

Well, there is the gossip surrounding Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb. You might remember that right before the release of McCormick's "tell all" autobiography, Here's the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice, McCormick "claimed" that she and Plumb had a lesbian affair on the set of the Brady Bunch.

Damn it all anyway! It was nothing but a promotional stunt (tell me y'all wouldn't have enjoyed reading that bit of gossip) but it seems Plumb is still upset with the joke and is now refusing to be a part of Oprah's Brady Bunch reunion show. You don't care? You don't follow celebrity gossip either?

Fine then! How 'bout I just show you a picture - they say a picture is worth a thousand words. Oh crap! That's why
Jay and Skylers Dad are still here, isn't it? It's the nekkid women!

Ummm ... yeah ...

RLL, I have one request the next time you leave town and let us have the run of the house - invite more women! Yes ... I realize my ability to play well with others isn't gender specific, but still ...


Friday, July 10, 2009

Who is this guy and what is he doing here?

Hi everyone, Skylers Dad here from "Some Days It's Not Worth Chewing Through The leather Straps". I am one of the "caretakers" of this wonderful little electronic diary known as Real Live Lesbian, while our girl is off doing who knows what in Las Vegas.

Oh wait, the hidden webcam I stashed in her bag is reporting in on one of the activities she is doing...

Oh my.

Lets let her have her privacy while we do what anyone else does while they look after somebody else's place - snoop around! Let's see, gotta find the key, she said it was in the hide-a-key rock in the yard.

Note to RLL: If it's the only rock in the yard, it's fooling nobody. Doesn't matter anyway since it looks like Jay left the door wide open on his way out. Better be a little more careful there buddy, and don't leave your empties laying around. That's my job.

(switches on the old blog-o-matic computer) Ahhh, Windows 95, very nice RLL. Gives me some more time to drink your booze while this dinosaur boots up...

Wow! You have a serious amount of porn on here girl! I didn't know about some of these sites, let me just jot a few down...

Ok we are up and running and ready for bloggy fun.

You are probably wondering why another guy is guest blogging anyway. I mean what can SkyDad possibly know? That is why RLL left me some study material right here next to this big box labeled DO NOT OPEN.

Really? You would think she knew me better by now, hmm? While I was rifling through our girls DO NOT OPEN files, er, I mean doing research for this posting, I stumbled across some very interesting stuff. For instance, did you know one of her earliest books was going to be a big influence on her life? Sure enough, check it out:

An older school friend tried to tell her that she might be a lesbian, but she was doubtful as a young girl:

Intrigued, RLL immediately went to the library for some more material:

Eventually, our girl discovered that she had some musical talent. I never knew she played violin!

Wait a minute! Here is an old picture of me along with RLL and some other friends. It's labeled "One of these does not belong". Hmmm, yeah, I agree. The girl on the left was always a bit bitchy if you ask me.

Moving on deeper into the pile I found an envelope marked "For SkyDad's tat collection". How thoughtful of her! She remembered I do a bad tat Tuesday series whenever I get enough pictures my way (end of shameless blog plug). Except there is a sticky note on here that says "These are what good tats can look like".

Oh well, you be the judge, I actually didn't even notice the tats at first...

Oh now this looks like an interesting item. Written in her day-timer is an appointment for "2 hour smurf trim", what could that be? Oh wait there is another photo.

Holy tap-dancin jesus!

Later that same week there is another entry for ballet lessons. Well look at our girl getting all cultured and ..................Whoa!!!

(heads to bathroom for cold shower)

Okies, I am back now.

Last thing in here is some sort of instructional video on mouse hand exercises. Lets pop that into the old VCR...

(OK, this is an animated gif file that blogger doesn't like for some reason. Save it and open it in a browser, you won't be disappointed!)

Well, I think I have worn out my welcome here (the booze is all gone) so I will close up shop now with a story I want to share that is from the bottom of my heart. No really, I CAN be serious on occasion...

When Skyler entered grade school, we really fought hard for him to be included into the regular classroom. The school system didn't like that, and wanted him down the hall in the special class with all the other kids with disabilities. A lot of other parents didn't like the idea that our son was going to be in the classroom with their kids. They thought that even though he had an aide, he would be taking valuble time away from their precious little darlings. At back to school night, one girl, Jillian, came over with her mom and introduced Skyler to her. She said this is the boy I was telling you about, he talks with a computer! Jillians mom introduced herself to us and then introduced her partner to us.

We thanked them both for Jillian being so nice to Skyler and then we all moved around getting to know other parents.

More than a couple of people remarked about "the young girl with the lesbian parents" and it kind of got too me. Then madam PTA president (who I knew had led the battle against Skyler being included) came up with her phony smile and asked if I wanted Skyler to be around "those types" of people. I was pissed as hell, and told her "You mean the parents of the only kid in this class that took the time to see past Skyler's disability and try and be his friend? Yes, I really do want him around more people like them!"

My wife kind of drug me away before I made a bigger scene. God bless Jillian and her parents. They moved away in 5th grade, and I still think about them to this day.

Thanks for listening to me ramble here, and take care everyone,
Skydad (Chris)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Party Time Baby!

Hola bitches! Jay the Cynical_Bastard here. When my good friend the Real Live Lesbian asked me to guest post here I immediately said yes. Cause that’s just the kind of giving, helpful kind of guy I am. Then she told me that I was going to be the first guest poster while she’s in Vegas. Well, needless to say I quickly started feeling the pressure. The pucker factor is pretty high for the lead off guy, yanno.

Of course, honesty compels me to admit that one of the reasons I agreed so quickly is because RLL gets LOTS more traffic than my rapidly decaying blog. But, I also agreed, and was probably asked, because of my legendary support for lesbians. I think anyone who knows me knows that I support lesbians more than just about anyone. Hell, I even support fake lesbians like Lindsay Lohan. Anyone notice I stopped make fun of her when she switched teams? Hell, if Sarah Palin wants me to stop mocking her, all she has to do is announce that she is in a relationship with another woman. Like maybe her fellow Alaskan, Jewel …

I’m just making suggestions here. It’s totally up to Sarah, but Jewel would obviously be a great choice.

I also totally support bad TV shows and movies that are desperate for ratings and “buzz” by going with some girl-on-girl action. Shows like, oh IDK, Heroes maybe? Yeah, Claire Bennett (Hayden Panettiere) getting busy with another chick? Like maybe with new cast member and soon to be Claire’s roommate Rachel Melvin?...

Okay, I think I’ve pretty much established my ridiculous amount of support for lesbians. So, I’ll move on to something more interesting. Wait? Did I just write that? There’s NOTHING more interesting than lesbians! What am I saying?

Anyway, as I said RLL is in Vegas this week. And did she invite us? Oh hell no! While we’re all living in our crappy little towns in dry counties, RLL is whooping it up in Sin city.

What’s that? Yes, I really do live in a dry county. In fact, just last weekend my brother in law and I went to a BMW motorcycle rally held here in town. No, I don’t ride a motorcycle, why do you ask? Anyway, hanging right there on the wall was a map of where to find the beer…

Yeah, that’s how we do things around here. Redneckville, Arkansas: You can’t buy beer here, but we will show you where you can!

Anyway, I thought I would tell you a little story about what I’m doing while I’m NOT in Vegas with RLL:

So I’m sitting in line at the drive through at the bank today and I look over and there is a very nice lady driving an older Toyota 4x4 waiting in the other line smoking a cigarette. Now, I’m not one of these people who thinks that all smoking in public should be banned. Far from it. In fact, I’m pretty much opposed to most anti-smoking ordinances as unnecessary and outrageous infringements on a person’s right to run his/her own business as he/she sees fit by the government. But, that’s a rant for another day.

This doesn’t mean that I would let you smoke in my car. Hell I wouldn’t even let President Obama smoke in my car.

Anyway I looked over at this woman and she did something that does piss me off about smokers. Instead of putting her cigarette out in the ashtray in her truck she just tossed it on the ground. But wait, there’s more! (Honoring the memory of Billy Mays there). She didn’t take the cig and just toss it or flick it away like most people do. Oh hell no. This lady, without touching the cancer stick at all, took one last drag on it, blew a puff of smoke out her nose and then just opened her mouth and nudged the cigarette out with her tongue. That was almost as impressive as it was really, really gross.

Now tell me that wasn’t hundreds of times more awesome than hanging out in Las Vegas!

Well, that’s all I’ve got. Thanks to RLL for inviting me to guest post here for here. I hope I didn’t make a mess of her awesome blog. In fact, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to catch a plane this morning for Vegas and go find her. Then, we’re both going to go to a sleepover at The Pussycat Doll’s house.

Yeah, now THAT’S Vegas Baby!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Just One Thing Before I Go

Do you have a nickname?

How'd you get it?

Did someone give it to you or did you just start saying, "All my friends call me Cowboy."

I wonder, because I've never had one.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Goodbye For A While

I'm leaving on a jet plane Thursday morning for Vegas, but I'm leaving ya'll in VERY good hands. Pop in while I'm gone and see who I have set up to entertain you!

Trust me, you will not be disappointed! (how's THAT for pressure?)

I'm so excited about my trip! I'll be having drinks with Rick Rockhill while I'm in Vegas. Check out his blog. He has THE most fabulous life!

Have fun while I'm gone. And don't let anyone burn down my blog!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Spending A Weekend With My Family....

has made me realize that I'm going to wind up just like my batshit crazy, old aunts. I'll be wearing comfortable shoes and wild colorful clothes. You'll find me laughing my ass off with people of all ages, while I cook for them. We're going to have the best time!

Who wants to join me....

and as anybody seen my purple hat?

P.S. If you have any Vegas tips...leave them down below. I'm leaving on Thursday!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Las Vegas, Watch Out

On Thursday morning at 8:45am, we'll be landing in Vegas. It's my first trip. I'm kinda skeptical. I'm traveling with my Love, my best butch and "her gay," her sister and her girlfriend, and another good friend.

Will it be information overload for me?
Will I be tired of gambling in 6.2 seconds as soon as I lose my alloted cash?
Will I melt as soon as I hit the outside of the airplane?
Do I even have to GO outside?

On Sunday, we're leaving Vegas for Utah to see Zion and Bryce National Parks.

Have you been to Vegas? Tell me what's not to miss! What's fun? What's overpriced and not worth my time?

Spill it.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Who Do You Know?

Here's wishing you all a wonderful Independence Day weekend! Not Fourth of July. Dana's rule and since she served our country, I'm gonna call it that.

My dad fought in the Korean War, my uncle died in WWII, my great grandfather was in the calvary in the Civil War. And I am so grateful to all of them.

Who do you know that has served or is serving our country? Let's thank them!