Thursday, January 29, 2009

Will It Be A Collision Or A Gentle Merger?

My worlds are colliding. At first it was just a few friends that found me on Facebook. Then I painted with a few cousins and they asked if I had an account. I told them I did. They found me. Then their brother. Another cousin. A cousin's wife. And just this morning, three more cousins. Yes, I have a very large, very close knit family that I am very happy to be a part of.

Now, my family knows that I'm a lesbian. But I don't fly my gay flag and kiss my girlfriend at the family reunion. I am who I am. I try to be true to my self. And yet, this facebook collision between my family and my gay friends has me moderately flipped out.

I know too many people that have lost their families because they are homosexual. While my family is extremely accepting of me, it only takes one wacko to upset the apple cart and cause a big to-do. That's what I'm afraid of.

I don't want my sexuality to be a big deal. I want to be known for who I am, not who I sleep with.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

You Gotta Love Nashville

Last Summer, when we saw Pat Benatar in concert, Joey + Rory opened for her. They're about as far from Pat Benatar as you can possibly get, but damn if they don't make me laugh!

I'm Spoiled, But I Came Up With Something

Today, I was wandering around the internets and I landed at Suzanne's Place. (I know Matt-Man, I know...another chick) She's a mom to quadruplets and is cute as a button! She is reviewing chocolate. You know how I love me some chocolate. She's giving some away and asking a question.

It's a really GOOD question:

"If you had ONE day to do ANYthing and EVERYthing in the world you wanted to do, how would you indulge yourself?"

Easy for overworked moms and dads. I'm reading lots of comments about sleep and relaxation. I get plenty of both. We routinely spend our evenings in front of a fire with wine and watching movies or talking. I realize how lucky we are, and how much we miss by not having children.

One day of ANYthing and EVERYthing. What would I do?

I'd fly my favorite friends (of course, I'm taking you!) to Hunting Island, South Carolina along with all of our dogs. We'd swim and romp on the beach in the bright, warm sunshine. Drink icy cold beer. Ride bikes to the Lighthouse. Cook some fresh seafood. And laugh. There would be lots of laughing.

What would you do with one day of ANYthing and EVERYthing?

P.S. Go on over to Suzanne's and win some free chocolate! She's giving away a ton!

Monday, January 26, 2009

I Live Under The Family Rock

The Work Spouse.

I'm just now hearing about this phenomena. Mainly because, I work for my family and have for the last umpteen years. Family businesses have their own issues. Like people not minding that they stink the fuck out of the restroom, leaving their dirty coffee cups lying around and my mom wondering why I don't want to come over after working 8 hours with her.

Explain to me how having a work spouse is different than cheating and/or having an emotional affair.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

My Uncle Went to Nicaragua

and all I got was this lousy Metate. Kidding! I'm in *love* with it. He found it in an antique store near Grenada, Nicaragua last week. Since I've been hinting heavily that I wanted one just like his, he went out of his way to find me one.

I think it looks like a turtle. What do you see?

Monday, January 19, 2009

This Is What We Did....

all day Monday. It snowed. We drank homemade London Fogs. We watched daytime TV. We stoked a roaring fire.

Happy Monday!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Which Would YOU Prefer?

A couple of months ago on a Saturday afternoon, I have the TV on while doing my chores. A relationship expert catches my attention. One of her recommendations is that couples kiss romantically for a minute every day.

I immediately run outside and tell My Love. She pulls off her leather gloves, tips back her hat and plants one on me. She holds her hand up behind my head and proceeds to time it.

Opening my eyes, I mumble, "Has it been a minute, yet?"

The perfect kiss is destroyed by laughter. A minute is a damn long time to give someone tongue!

While that romance expert's idea didn't pan out, it led to something that did.

The next morning, My Love's alarm goes off, but she doesn't climb out of bed. Instead, she rolls over and softly kisses my cheeks, eyes and lips for about a minute while telling me how much she loves me.

She hasn't missed a morning since that first day. Perhaps, My Love should have her own show?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Is That A Goat?

One of my dear readers has some questions. I've been around the block , but to give him a broader spectrum of what women REALLY do, I'm going to ask you. Feel free to answer about yourself or your female lovah!

1. Do you shave all or part "down there?" Do you shave all the way back?

2. Is it possible to get what you do shave very close and without stubble?

3. Is a tooth brushing/face wash necessary after oral sex before she'll kiss you/or before you allow yourself to be kissed?

4. Do you always shower before sex?

Inquiring minds want to know! Help a fella out.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Being Goofy Will Get You Laid

Saturday night, after too many beers at a private party at the Flying Saucer, my love and I ended up having our only sober friend drive us to the local lesbian bar.

The Lipstick Lounge is apparently where everyone went last Saturday night, because when we walked in, the traffic stopped. The place was packed with women! There was no where to go... except the entrance hall to the restrooms. Every time someone had to "go," we would have to squish ourselves against the walls to let them barely slide through.

It's funny how people behave when they have to touch your body to get where they want to go. Some draw up. Some barrel on through. Some joke and enjoy the touch.

And that my friends, is how the Boobie Tube in the hallway began. The ones that enjoyed the encounter encouraged us. We stopped squishing back. Then someone we knew came through and Blaire and I shimmied them through with our boobies jiggling against them.

As the night wore on, our inhibitions loosened and soon we were shimmying everyone through except the folks that were obvious sticks in the mud. I should mention that we were both stone cold sober by this point, but we didn't let that stop us.

When the guy walked through, we assumed he was gay and pummeled him with our pleasure bags. Both ways.

He came back through about an hour later. Then again, saying his wife was afraid to use the restroom after hearing his tales. Uh oh. Perhaps he's been enjoying this a tad more than we thought! We promised not to attack her and left it at that.

Shortly after, a middle-aged woman in a white poofy sweater walks up looking incredibly timid. We gave her a free pass since she was so frightened.

You see, The Lipstick Lounge advertises itself as a bar for humans. Although it's an obviously lesbian bar, anybody is welcome. So, I wasn't surprised to see a couple of straight folks.

After enduring a couple of hours of karaoke, the dance floor opened up and we moved out of the Boobie Tube that we had created. We danced and danced and danced. As I was stepping down from the stage, Mr. Straight Guy was right there with his hand out to help me down. How sweet of him (or how naive of me)!

As he held my hand he said, "My wife is very interested!"

Me: Dumb look, then enlightenment set in. "Oh, sorry, my girlfriend doesn't let me play."

At that point, my girlfriend promptly yanked me forward, "No, I do not." She wasn't amused, but at least I know how to pick up the straight couples looking for a ménage a trois!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Who Are You? Who Who Who Who

Time to delurk, folks. If you're not a lurker....just say hi! Wanna be on that list of blogs that I love over there? Now's the time to ask for that as well.

Why am I asking you to delurk?

1. Because Dana over at Amid Life's Crises did. I don't want to be left behind when all of the other bloggers are doing it. Dana has the background on Delurking Day if you want to read the history.

2. I'd like to read YOUR blog. It's the only way I have of reciprocating.

3. It's not nice to lurk about without saying hello! ;)

Delurk, decloak, expose yourself....whatever you want to call it!

*The Eliza Dushku pic relates only to my desire to delurk HER!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Do Not Collect $200

After a week's worth of discussions with my best buddy, it's been decided. She can't get past it.

The lack of landscaping "down there" has brain warped her to the point that she can't even think about asking Ms. Perfect (with the full bush) out on a date.

Shallow? Perhaps.

All of this bush hog talk made me wonder about you. What one thing would turn you off so badly that you'd let Ms. or Mr. Perfect walk away?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Sleep Tight

On our way back from a white Christmas in Michigan, we stop in Lansing to have lunch with my girlfriend's ex who works for a Orkin. She asks if we were driving all the way back or stopping somewhere to spend the night.

Me: We're going to drive all the way.
Her: Good! Because there's been an outbreak of bed bugs all over the U.S.
Me: Bed bugs?
Her: They're infesting even 5 star hotels. It doesn't matter where you stay, you might be exposed to them. They're very hard to get rid of and you could take them home with you and infest your own home.

That's when i started itching. Immediately. Just speaking of these things is enough to make me feel like I already have them.

I thought they were just a bedtime rhyme.

They hide in the mattress until it's dark and you're asleep. Then they creep onto your body and inject you with a numbing solution, so you don't feel them drinking your blood.

All was well until about 7pm that very same day, when it suddenly got sleepy in the car during my driving stint. I knew I couldn't make it. We had another 4 hours to go. We had to find a room. BUT THEY'RE ALL INFESTED! And we have two 60 pound rotties with us that seriously limit our options.

I begged a 300 pound MMA promoting, Red Roof Inn manager into LETTING us stay despite their strict, one dog per room policy. I promptly checked the mattress edging for any flat, round browns. The place was clean, but I'm still itching.

I bet you're itching now, too! You're welcome.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Don't Beat Around The Bush

My best friend just called. She has a dilemma with her new girlfriend. One that has left me speechless. Since I have no idea what to tell her, I'm going to ask YOU. I need your opinion.

This is serious. She hasn't had a girlfriend that I've liked in oh....almost three years. She's finally met a good girl. Educated. Funny. Great Job. Normal.

Last night, they were fooling around and well, her hand wandered down there. It was furry. Very furry. As in never seen a razor.

My best friend is kinda funny about this. She likes 'em shaved or at the very least neatly groomed to a landing strip.

She can't un-know about the bush. She can't casually bring up about how she likes 'em shaved. Because the hand knows. There is no backtracking about the bush.

How does she get this woman, who is otherwise perfect to shave that thing?