Friday, May 30, 2008

Sometimes, I Forget

Sometimes I forget how deeply I am loved.

By my girlfriend.
By my mother.
By my father.
By my aunts, uncles and cousins.
By this universe that I live in.
By my friends.
By people that I've not even met.

I forgot once before. It ended with me trying to take my life. And began with everyone telling me how much they loved me. I know how important it is to know that you are loved. Not in the everyday way that we say, 'I love you." But in a deeper way. A way that you would know that I love you down deep into your soul. No matter what you do. No matter what you look like right now. No matter how you feel. No matter what.

I love all of you so much, but I never think that you love me the same way. But today, I think you do. I guess I'm in one of those moods that my girlfriend hates. The mood where I end up telling friends that I love them with tears in my eyes at a party after not enough wine.

I know that we won't always be here. Together. So that we can tell each other.

So today, know that I love you. Just the way you are.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


My girl has had her house on the market for a few months. It's in Bumblefuck, Ga, so we had no idea when it would sell. She's had offers. Low-ballers, mostly and folks that were trying to get a great buy during hard times. But fortunately, she wasn't desperate.

Today, she's gotten an offer that's close to full price. Just $5,000 lower than her asking price, they'll pay for all of the closing costs and they aren't asking for anything.

That means that it's my turn to put my home on the market so that we can find one together. As most of you know, Fear has been walking beside me lately. I'm scared of damn near everything. What ifs rule my thoughts.

I'm going through a mid-life crisis at 42. I'm not where I want to be with my career and my body. My family is great. My girlfriend seriously rocks and stands beside me with hugs at the ready when I act like a crazy bitch. I need to get myself in order.

Now that her house is close to selling, I have to get my shit in order. Oh shit! I need to have a yard sale. I need to ebay half of my crap. I am a mess underneath the closet doors.

And that's kind of how I feel about me. I have a good exterior. I look like I have it together. Nice home, nice car, great girlfriend. But underneath, there's a mess of shit that you couldn't imagine.

I guess that makes me human.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What Main Emotion Do You Feel?

I think he's right. No matter what happens to them, some people respond with anger, some with sadness, some with positive emotions. 

I think my frame of reference is shifting. Not that it was ever not in a good place, but often I did or didn't do things because I was afraid. 

I went to South America because I was afraid to miss the opportunity. I work with my family because I'm afraid to venture out on my own and work for someone else. I hold on too tightly to some things because I'm afraid to lose them. Even though I know that holding on too tightly is counterproductive. 

What main emotion controls you?

Monday, May 12, 2008


I'm afraid that you're going to be like my parents and give me away. I'm afraid that you'll decide to go and at the last minute tell me. I'm afraid that I'm not the one that knows your secrets. I'm afraid that if I change, you won't love me. I'm afraid that I won't lose weight. I'm afraid that I will lose weight. I'm afraid that you'll see underneath my tough exterior and know that I'm a fraud. I'm afraid that I'll never get to do what I want to do. I'm afraid that you'll leave. I'm afraid that I'll end up alone and old. I'm afraid that you'll know how afraid I am and find that unattractive.

Today, I just feel afraid.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


Image thieved from Keeper of the Sanity

Butch: Slang. a lesbian, esp. one notably masculine in manner or appearance.

Lesbians are divided into many categories both by straight people and by us. I'm a Lipstick Lesbian. I'm girly, sleep with women and I wear lipstick. That's just about all the definition that you'll need.

We are comprised of the athletic types, the androgynous ones who fall in the middle of the butch-femme continuum, the granola-eating, women-identified ones that wear birkenstocks and let their leg hair grow long, butches with long hair, short hair, stone butches, soft butches and many, many more.

Often, I hear, "If I'm going to be with someone that looks like a man, I might as well BE with a man."

Really, you think so? You think that being with a woman that wears her hair short or who doesn't wear make-up is the same as being with a man? How shallow.

This type of divisiveness bothers me. As if we need to be divided from within. I hear it from a certain group of people that I know. It's down-putting to the women who happen to be my polar opposite. And yeah, I like 'em that way.

I find that their butchness has very little to do with their femininity. How's that for a mind-fuck? They cry, they're soft, they miss their parents, cook fabulous meals, and frankly do everything that I do as a "lipstick lesbian." But because they look different and might not be what you find attractive, you classify them as what you consider to be the worst insult...a man.

It bothers me for two reasons. Men are nice. They just aren't who I want to go for a romp in the hay with. They aren't bad. They're just different.

Secondly, do we really need to hate our own kind? Isn't there enough of that in the world?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

You Know She Has A Crush On You....Don't You?

Two of my friends came to visit. I poured wine. Another friend came over. I poured more wine. Then the conversation turns to those two friends who aren't here, a lesbian couple, Erica and Stephanie. We all go to church together and are friendly, but not exceptionally close. Only Shane and I are buddies from our 20's.

Me: So what's the deal with Erica?
Shane: (Odd look with evil grin)
Me: Tell me!
Shane: You know she has a crush on you, right?
Me: (Clueless wonderment, then the light bulb goes on) No. Why would you think that?

Shane offers the following proof:

• After knowing me for three months, Erica asks me to stand beside her at her wedding.
• Erica invites me over to dinner with the two of them and forgets to invite anyone else. Then wants to go to a strip club. Stephanie proceeds to get mad. Erica says that just the two of us can go. Um, no.
• Erica calls me daily to discuss my girlfriend whom she's not sure about.
• She writes fairy tales about me:

Once upon a time there was a princess named Gwen and she had been tortured for years by an evil troll.

Every night she would spend hours dreaming of what life would be like outside the castle where she was able to ride the pretty white stallions and take in the fresh air of the countryside

One day, the troll was walking through the enchanted forest and fell into the pit of insanity and she was no more.

Now Princess Gwen had been imprisoned for so long inside the castle that she almost feared life on the outside and it took months of coaching from her maids until she had the courage to emerge.

And low and behold...what did she find when the castle door opened....but Princess Charming riding around the moat in her baby yacht with cans of bug spray and tiki torches on board to fix up the castle grounds

Princess Gwen was so enamored by Princess Charming that she laid down right there and gave herself to her. Yes..princess Gwen is fast.

Princess Charming instantly fell in love with the wit and beauty that she had only found in the fair princess.

but there was a problem....

Princess charming lived in country far, far away.

At first princess Gwen was very glad, for this was the first time in a long time that the castle was all her own, but soon she found that she wanted Princess Charming with her more and more and her visits became more and more frequent.

She sent her best page out to send a message to Princess Charming, pouring out the contents of Gwen's heart.

When the messenger arrived, he found that Princess Charming already had her chariot packed and was attaching it to her horse, Uhaul.

It would only be a few days until they would be together again.

When Princess Charming arrived, Princess Gwen had all but forgotten how good independence tasted...she was ready to taste something new.....

She prayed it would not be fish, because seafood was her least favorite.

She prayed for no crabs as well.

But alas...Princess Charming rode up in all her glory...swinging her hat in the air and gleefully exclaimin.."YeeHaw!"

They embraced...kissed and did other unmentionables and that ended the short lived freedom that Gwen once longed for.

But hopefully...they lived happily ever after


Kinda makes you all wish you were lesbians and embroiled in the constant web that is our lives, doesn't it?

Monday, May 5, 2008

Where Have I Been?

I'm busy working on my resume. But mostly working on my mind. Getting it ready for a new opportunity. You see, since my uncle retired I've been bored here at work. Extremely, bone achingly bored. I loved working with my uncles. I helped them manage a Children's Homes in Honduras. I coordinated their travel to China three times buying silk rugs. But now, everything's just tedious. There's nothing but boring stuff and a Brazil trip to plan.

I need a new man...or woman. Either. As long as they can keep me busy with excitement and my mind on the very edge. I realize that I require a lot. I need stimulation. Work my brain. Ask me to do something complicated!!!!

If you know anyone who needs a good me...

Excellent written and verbal communication skills.
Multi-task and excel in fast paced, changing environments.
Professional appearance, highly organized and self-motivated.
Dependable and outgoing with strong work ethic.
Able to take initiative and independently prioritize workload.
Excellent rapport with fellow associates and clients.

Aug 1990 – present Office Manager/ Executive Assistant

  • Maintain all aspects of a Construction Office including Payroll, AP/AR, Billing,
  • Job Costing, Report Preparation, Maintaining Employee Files, Scheduling and Preparing Estimates, Quarterly and Year End Assessments.
  • Established new protocols for Payroll, Simple IRA introduction and crossover into a 401K plan.
  • Familiar with blueprints, specifications, construction terminology, local suppliers, general contractors and materials needed.
  • Handle worldwide travel itineraries for both business and pleasure including South and Central America and China.
  • Assist four owners currently by preparing and coordinating materials for meetings and liaisons with clients.
  • Responsible for organizing parties for 250+ guests.
  • Coordinate all aspects of the commercial rental property and lease preparations.
  • Previously assisted with administration of Children’s Home in Trujillo, Honduras including onsite visits and newsletters.
  • Formulated two Generational Family History Books rich with photography and personal stories.

Jun 1989 – Aug 1990 Management Consultant
  • Coordinated start-up of new company from the ground up including all Accounting needs.
  • Assisted executive partner in Gathering Data, Formulating Opinions, and Coordination of Final Project.
  • Charted futures market for key elements to determine trends in the various markets.

SKILLS Microsoft Office, AccountEdge/MYOB, Typing -65 wpm, 10 key touch

EDUCATION BS in Psychology from Middle Tennessee State University.