Monday, January 14, 2008

You Asked For It

From my vast pool of readers:

Jen said..."When did you know that you were a lesbian? Was it easy for you to come to terms with it? I only ask, b/c, well, society can be a bit of a bee-yatchay. I have very close friends who are gay, most of whom were lucky enough to have their families embrace them. I find that wonderful. Some were not. I find that tragic and heartbreaking."



Well, Jen...I always knew that I was different. But I didn't know how. As a child of the 70's and 80's, the terms lesbian and gay crossed my path but once. Tracy McC called me a lezzie in 4th grade on the bus, but I doubt she knew what it was either. I certainly didn't and promptly figured it wasn't good, since she didn't like me none.

I met a girl named Michele when I was 16 at my first job. We hit it off, right off the bat. After work, she'd take me ridin' around in her Jeep Wrangler in her cut off shorts, wife beater and red bandana tied around her head. Gotta love 1981! We'd sneak into bars and drink. Then one weekend, she came to my house for a sleep over. THAT's when things changed.

While lying on my bed that night, I said, "I'm going to do something to you that you've NEVER had done before." Yes, I realize how cocky that was NOW. Thinking that I was the only lesbian that this big ol' butch girl had ever encountered. I leaned over and kissed her.

Insert fireworks here. The big ones. Like downtown on the 4th of July.

But that's not when I knew. I remember later that night asking her if she was gay. She said "No." And then she asked me if *I* was gay! Um, no. WHY would she think THAT?

My boyfriend didn't like her AT ALL. Weird, huh? He even told me so, "I don't like that butch girl, Michele that you're hanging around with." So I got rid of him...pronto. Dumbass. Plus, he dangled his participles. Funny that I remember his exact words.

That's all. We just kissed. And kissed. And kissed. For a long time. Weeks. I don't remember when the sex part came into play. But, being the hornster that I am, I doubt it was too long. We didn't have the opportunity to be together alone that often, but when we could, Motel 6...here we come. Sex for $15.95!

At first, I thought that I had just fallen in love with a woman. Really until we broke up and I didn't want to date a boy. I wanted to date another girl. That's when I knew that Michele wasn't the only girl that I wanted. I wanted LOTS of girls!

So, to answer the second part of your question, no, I didn't find it hard to come to terms with. It was just love to me. No big angst about loving a girl. It just felt right to me.

Michele and I had been "hanging out" for about 3 months when my nosey mother went through my things and found the letter that I wrote to Michele about kissing her that first time. I hadn't sent it, yet. Just put feelings to paper.

She was mortified. And I was, too.






40 comments:

Jen said...

Kids are mean. I hate mean kids.

But I like your story & am waiting for the continuation. . .

Thank you for answering my very personal question so honestly. That's a hard thing to do when you don't know the other person. And, hey(!), thanks for the shout-out to my blog. ***wink***

RockDog said...

"That's when I knew that Michele wasn't the only girl that I wanted. I wanted LOTS of girls!"

Me Too!!! Perhaps we are long lost twins...?

motherx said...

That sounds very romantic! You must have been dead emb when your mother did that! Had to laugh though as I seem to remember my mother doing EXACTLY the same thing!!

Matt-Man said...

That was kinda sweet. I mean other than the dangling participle thing...I hate when that happens. Cheers!!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Sweetie, I loved your post. it was wonderful. Tell me aboutr mother and what that was like...my mother blinked and was all right with me and girls.

I was 13...when I first made love to another girl. She was my age but was more experienced and taught me how a girl can feel. I had kissed already by 12, but I was just a tad confused because I liked girls...but I also liked boys, I thought everyone was like me before I was a teen.

Dana said...

You and I are almost the same age and I find it interesting that gay and lesbian were NEVER words I heard either. Too bad, it might have saved me many wrong turns.

R.E.H. said...

This was interesting. I can just imagine how you felt when your mother found that letter. And how she felt too.

I guess I got part of an answer to one of my questions too - you did try dating boys at one time ;)

Real Live Lesbian said...

Jen: Thanks...it'll all come out!

Rockdog: Well, we DO have a lot in common. ;)

Matt: Damn rednecks.

SZJ: Thanks. I'll get into that later...just for you. You were VERY lucky to have a mom like that! Very.

Dana: It's never too late. As a matter of fact, it's just the right time. Go find yourself a good woman...just stay away from mine! LOL

Real Live Lesbian said...

REH: Jen asked first. So I answered her first. Your answer is coming. But yeah, I did TRY that.

Anndi said...

So did Mom ever get over her initial shock?

buffalodickdy said...

Everybody gets a different deal...Glad you found some happiness!

Divalicious said...

Yah, girl. The 80s were a bad-ass time to be growing up.
I dumped a boy growing up because he didn't like my friend.
And I bet you seriously almost shit when your mom found the letter. What did she say to you?

coffeypot said...

You know, I would dangle my participle, but I could be arrested for doing it.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

the first time i knew i liked girls, i was 6 and watching Saved By The Bell, and noticed that tiffany amber theissen made me feel funny.

first time i ever messed around with a girl i was 15. ive been with way more women than men, partially because i didnt start having sex with them until i was almost 18, but i tend to have the majority of my relationships with men. cant really explain why.

great post!

Jay said...

That was very interesting. I'm most amazed at how matter of fact it seemed to you to be. No big sit down and think it though and have a big revelation. No angst, no tears. That's very cool.

Biscuit said...

LOVED your answer. Lots of girls can't be quite so honest with themselves. I'm not sure what bites more...the fact that I squashed a part of me for half of my life, or the fact that I now fully accept my shade of gray, but have no room to act on it.

Here's a discussion that will never happen on MY blog! That would so not go over very well.

Can't wait for your response to the "what do lesbians think of bi girls" question. ;)

Hot Lemon said...

gee, that was easy!! See, sometimes being really forward pays off!!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I like how straight forward you are! (No pun intended)

It's great to see a person who is not ashamed of who they are.You go girl!

Too bad more people in this world aren't open minded!

Southern Sage said...

great answer!

Christie said...

I remember hearing my mom talk shit about gays when I was little and asking her what that was? When she told me, I didn't see the problem. My grandparents had always said that God loved everyone and we were all the same inside. When I repeated this to my mom, she was totally pissed. I asked her if she would stop loving me if I was gay, and she said yes. I hoped I would "turn" gay so I could prove her wrong. Unfortunately, I liked schlong and only made out with other girls at parties. But I told her to see what she would do, and guess what? She still loves me.

(Sorry for the long story, drugs are taking over my body right now.)

Jeff B said...

BAM!

Open and honest answers to some perhaps not so easy questions. My hat's off to you for your willingness to open up like this to us.

Marilyn said...

When I was in middle school my best friend stopped being my friend because her mom told her I was gay. I knew I was strange and thought that must be it... it wasn't. I was just not a girly straight girl. My mom was always worried that I wasn't more girly, but I lived with my dad and he didn't care.

It was kinda funny. She started coming to school with lots of makeup and dresses and stuff. I hope things turned out okay for her.

Cooper said...

What are Moms for if not to go through your shit and find the one thing you don't want them to find?

Thanx for posting that...great slice of RealLive life...

Roger said...

Thank you! That was a beautiful story!!

ciara said...

being honest w yourself is the only way to go..gay or not...so kudos. and love? well that's not gender, race, religion, etc., biased...you love who you love. that's that.

elizabeth said...

Sheeesh. And I thought MY teenagers years were a struggle. Wow. I can just imagine my mom's face. AWKWARD.

Love is love though. I guess that's the easy part to figure out. Anyone who has really loved someone with all of their heart would never doubt that love is way bigger than a man or a woman. Where and who you find it with doesn't matter nearly as much as finding it.

;-)

katy said...

don't remember hearing the words lesbian or gay when I was growing up either, strange huh.
great post, what happened after you mom found the letter?

g-man said...

Excellent post. Mothers are nosy. (Mine too). I'm glad you found who you were, and are good with it.

Alli said...

Great story! Thanks for sharing.

I am guessing it has gotten a little easier these days as our world becomes more accepting??? Unfortunately there is still a lot of ignorant people out there, but compared to when I was growing up, it does seem to be getting better. I was a late 80's - 90's child and did hear the words "gay" & "lesbian," but unfortunately, there was still a lot of hate & biggotry in response.

I have a family member that is gay & it is so refreshing to see how accepting her family is with her & her partner.

Aunt Jackie said...

Me me me don't forget me!! :)

Great explanation here, hot story... Thanks for sharing your experiences with us.

Vixen said...

I am stoked to have discovered your blog! Love the honesty of this, we have a lot in common. :)

Mojo said...

Growing up in the '60s and '70s wasn't any different. You'd think it would be considering all that was happening at the time. We heard the word "gay" plenty of times -- always used as a pejorative (though the word "lesbian" didn't really become widely known until later).

What I'd love to see in my lifetime... is a day when posts like this one are no longer necessary. You shouldn't need to -- or feel like you need to -- explain "how you came to be 'this way'". Not gonna happen in my lifetime, but it's my little delusion and it gets me through the night. Maybe in my kids' lifetimes. Or their kids'.

PATRICK said...

Greetings Real Live Lesbian.

ROM 1:26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones.

27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

Repent or perish in HELL!!!

I, PATRICK, AM THE HOLY ONE OF GOD.

Sabrae said...

Well I was 14 when I "knew" but didn't act on it til I was far away from the parental figures! And still to this day WILL NOT tell them... but I think they know... lol kinda hard explaining away the fact that I have lived with the same woman for almost a year in a one bedroom apt.... hmmmm dont think my mom is stupid enough to think that I of all people would be sleeping on the couch.... aren't parents grand when they rummage thru your personal belongings? I learned early on to keep everything that I didn't want the mother to see at school in my locker or locked away in the trunk of my car :) I got smarter as the years went on.... Good for you tho... Have to say that Patrick guy above me is a bit of a nut... lol

Scarlet said...

I had to know...after reading today's post. I wasn't bi-curious...just curious. ;)

Awake In Rochester said...

Ah, good question and answer. I think the progression makes sense.

As for me, it wasn't until later that I was confirmed. Jesus freak + poor self-esteem = late bloomer.

You wanted "LOTS of girls!" Hm, guess I'd better keep on reading to see if you found them. ;)

sydney said...

GREAT STORY. Thanks for sharing it - it brings back memories of my own first girlfriend ... ahh Maggie ;)

The women SheGroup are collecting coming out stories as part of a contest they are running for National Coming Out Day and I really think you should consider entering your story - there are so many ways we come out and celebrate our "gayness" - and I think your story is a good example of that diversity of experience!

-Syd

www.shedate.com www.lezzbuzz.com

Indigo said...

When I was about 14 I found a dirty magazine with naked leg spread eagled women in. I was curious as to how I looked and was checkin to see if I was classed as normal. I hid it under a chest of drawers in my bedroom thinkin my mother wouldn't find it, she must have because the next day I went to get it but it had gone. Bet my mother thought I was perverted in some way but she never said anything. I am out as gay but not quite comfortable with it, I could never tell my parents although my nrother knows ans is fine with it.

Lori said...

Wow that totally brought back a few added memories for me. I've been running through all of this myself for a while now, because I had decided to blog about my own coming out.

It's funny how there are always some similarities, regardless of who's telling the story, and yet each of our stories are so different. :) I had the added joy of being born into a pretty hardcore Southern Baptist family, so I had that to deal with as well (blah). Although, even that is fairly common.

Looks like I have a lot of reading to catch up on, because I just "found" you not long ago and I need to "snoop around" here! ;) Thanks for letting us all into your virtual home.

Aging Tomboy said...

I am still traumatized about my mother finding diaries and letters I had written when I was a confused blossoming lesbian. Yeah. I'm shuddering now.