Thursday, October 23, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 1

I thought you all might enjoy a little strange. I've persuaded one of my friends to guest post about a time in her life that was very interesting to me. I'm always intrigued by straight women and how they wander to the other side. How they do it. Why they do it. The intricacies of maneuvering around a husband, children, family and friends to find the life that they want for themselves. It's sometimes a life that they've only dreamed about.

When my friend told me this story, I asked her to write it out so that I could tell you. I know that we now have two stories going on here, but you're a smart crowd. Come on, it's gonna be fun!



I'd been thinking about it a lot the past 2 years – how much I missed the intimacy of a woman. I really thought I had put it all behind me. I firmly believed that my experiences throughout my 20's were nothing more than sexual exploration.

Then I met her on a "mommy" email list. She was intelligent, witty and in much the same circumstances as me. She was married, with three children, her husband knew of her attraction to women, but was clear that he would not allow her to pursue a relationship with a woman while they were married. She opted, instead, to have a lesbian affair - one that had ended quite some time ago. I wanted to be her next.

We would see each other every other month or so. I would travel to her home, visit with her kids and her husband, all the while my heart aflutter. I'd look at her, then have to avert my gaze downward just knowing that my desires would be evident if I looked at her any longer. There were times, when we'd sit on the sofa next to each other, our bodies "accidentally" touching, where I had to focus on something other than the touch so that I wouldn't take her right there in front of the kids. I wanted her – emotionally, intellectually, and physically.

This cat and mouse game continued for close to a year, never even resulting in a kiss. Maybe she tired of my inability to initiate the physical contact. Maybe I tired of not having the guts to do what my heart so badly wanted. We never discussed why it ended – the visits just stopped. She stopped reading my blog. She stopped writing her blog. She was no longer available on IM. I missed her. I wondered if she missed me.

24 comments:

RiverPoet said...

Oh yes, I've been there. I've broken a couple of hearts along the way as I explored feelings I hadn't explored in my youth. In the end, for me, sticking it out in my marriage was worth it. He's my best friend, and I like keeping my commitments.

If anything ever happened though...I don't know which way this girl would swing.

Peace - D

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Its kind of sad to be frightened and hold back from what you feel and really want.

Dana said...

Hmmmm ... this will be an interesting perspective! Looking forward to more.

Lu' said...

Looking forward to chapter II. Thank you for sharing your story with us :)

Nolens Volens said...

You know what REALLY kills me? When someone just doesn't respond to you, no matter how caring/concerned you were and you have to wonder why. C'est la vie.

~Jobthingy~ said...

Oooo i am gonna love this one also

Dianne said...

tiring of not having the guts to persue what your heart wants ...

that touched me

captain corky said...

It's really sad when people that you care about leave your life no matter what the circumstance are really.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

TWO cliffhangers at once?

Monogram Queen said...

I'm sad for her because how can she be truly happy? I used to read a blog called Recovering Straight Girl and she was very interesting. You can find her via the Purple Twinkie link on my blogroll if you like. She was in the same situation but is now happily partnered with her three girls from her marriage and they are young but they are a wonderful family and I don't "think" her ex husband gives her much shit anymore.

tt said...

you know the old saying..' nothing ventured nothing gained'...
Venturing is just plain hard sometimes. The 'what if's' get in the way and we get scared. WHAT IF......is scarey.
It does keep it in the mind though...forever.
Good or bad...I don't know.

Jormengrund said...

So can we make a deal here?

One post about your memories one day..

Then a post about her memories the next?

That way I can possibly be able to keep track!

I'm old, and I tend to get confuzzled when two stories start going at the same time..

Pretty soon I'll be like "Wha? Last time I recall, she was waiting for a phone call! Now it's all called off because she couldn't get up the nerve to make a move? Where and when did the phone call happen? WHEN DID SHE HAVE KIDS? Where's my eyeglasses?" etc.

Please have some kind of mercy on us old fogies!

Great story, btw!

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, my...I am totally intrigued...

Can't wait to read more...and have a great weekend...

XO

Anna

Slyde said...

this was a really great read...

Diane J Standiford said...

I roll with fate. Not meaning I diss personal respnsibility, but sometimes leaving life to fate is nice break. (And can lead to wonderful things!)

Grant said...

I care less about why they cross over and more about if they posted videos and are hopefully Japanese.

Southern Sage said...

hmmmm
this should be interesting.

Leesa said...

I am with riverpoet. I love my husband with all my heart - and I plan on this marriage to last forever. But when I was young, I experimented a little, and if I were not married, I don't know who I would be with. But it would be someone, male or female.

we_be_toys said...

I love women, I love painting women in the nude, I lean on my personal sisterhood for support, but I've never been attracted to women sexually. I'm not really sure how someone can play both sides without being untrue to someone, be it themselves, their spouse, or their lover. That had to be an incredibly uncomfortable situation to find yourself in.

Tiggerlane said...

Wonderfully intriguing story...and yeah...definitely will stay tuned for MORE!

Knight said...

Always make the move or you will always regret it. Unless, of course, your worry is the family. That is different.

Vixen said...

*sigh*

I've been in this situation. I've met most of my past 'girlfriends' online through mommy boards, blogs.... It's amazing the connection that can develop in such a way and carry into RL.

And I have felt the heart ache of losing those people as well.

I have similar regrets about a women I had crushed for hard as well.... I still carry them with me along with the wonderings of 'what if'.

Ann said...

Oooooo, onto Chapter II.....

Diva said...

Wow. Been there.