Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I'm Closer


It’s 1:22AM.

Dark.

My woman is coughing her fool head off. She wakes The Dogs.

Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if SHE took them outside to go poop. But she doesn’t. She sleeps on the OTHER side of the bed. You folks who use that argument amaze me. I mean, how do I let that work? I’m educated. I went to college. Have some Master’s work. But somehow I can’t come up with a rebuttal for, “But, you’re closer.”

Apparently, I’m not lawyer material.

It’s 20 degrees outside and they have to poop. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that big of a deal. I just have to walk to the back door to let them out. But it’s so cold. Oh, and I don’t want to. It’s 1:22AM.

But I do it anyway...because I'm CLOSER.

Trace has something to say. She was raised a Search and Rescue dog, so she has her ways of saying, “Really, you need to see this.”

I assume she wants to show me the back door in hopes that I’ll open it.

As I turn the corner into the kitchen, she looks at me with that, “SEE!” look.

Poop. EVERYWHERE. All over the kitchen floor. Hard. Dry. A major dump.

THIS is not my job. I’m in charge of everything but poop. It makes me squeamish. It’s the reason that I don’t have children and must have a girlfriend or understanding neighbor close by. I just can’t do it.

But tonight I have to. My girl’s been sick in bed since Saturday night. Not like her at all. She’s so sick she’s not even made it to the couch for the TV marathon that lets most of us know that we’re on the mend.

I throw something on just in case Leighann’s peeking again. Isaac Wayne sits in the doorway of the kitchen with the “ Ima so sorry. I wish I could help” look.

He watches over me as I finish and walks me back to bed. Like he always does. He never goes to bed without me. If I’m up, he’s up.

I just hope in my next life that I come back as one of their dogs. Big, fluffy beds. Belly rubs. And somebody to love me even when I poop in the floor.

48 comments:

Jay said...

This is what stops me from getting a dog. They're filthy. I love dogs, but they're filthy. LOL

I just love other people's dogs. Which is different from kids, cause I don't even like other people's kids. ;-)

The Mama Bear said...

I'm Closer use to get me when the kids were younger.
I must say, Papa Bear was sick last night, and it was a mess, and my oh so sweet son Zachary took care of cleaning it up, and even tucked his poor mommy in bed with her migraine.
I am lucky.
Hope your gal feels better soon.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Jay: It's his first accident since he's been coming to my house for almost 2 years. And I'd much rather clean up after him than a kid! He's much neater!

Mama Bear: Hope your den full is feeling better soon too! Yep, you are lucky!

Alli said...

Aww, the closer excuse. I have actually used that. BUT in my defense, it was when hubby asked me to do something & I didn't understand how me doing it was any more efficient them him doing it...especially since he was closer. LOL.

How many dogs do you have? I know dogs are different when there are more than one living together, but I go outside with my dog every time I take her out & I usually don't let her back in until she has done her number twosies at least one or 2 times a day. We hardly every have accidents in the house.

Dogs can be tough, but they are so awesome and so worth the work. :)

Real Live Lesbian said...

Alli: Oh no...not you, too!!!! We have two rotties, one white, one black. They're 7 and 10, so they're old enough to go potty alone in the fenced yard. And they never have accidents. EVER. This is the first one Isaac has had in almost two years and I can't remember the last one Trace had. You're right..they are worth the trouble. And frankly, mine are almost no trouble!

Leighann said...

Reason # 1,422 of why I can't stand dogs.

P.S. I wasn't peeking, we're all sick too!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Leighann: Oh no...everybody's sick! Hope you guys are feeling better soon!

g-man said...

Dawgs and kids. I was up too last night when the littlest one came in at 2 something. My thought was I hope she's not sick because cleaning barf out of MY bed is way harder and more involved than cleaning off her bed.

Glad you were able to muster through it. :) You go girl!

captain corky said...

Baby, could you get me a drink on your way back to bedroom? Thanks. ;)

Dana said...

After Corky's comment, I just can't think of anything as funny ... or even close!

If it makes you feel better, I'm the cleaner-upper in my house - seems I have a stomach of steel and, remember, no gag reflex!

Doc said...

Can you train him to use the potty?

Real Live Lesbian said...

G-man: Seems like everybody's got the funk. Glad you weren't met with hurl in your bed!

Captain: That was funny. Really. And sure. What would you like?

Dana: Come over to my house!!!! I'll buy the bananas!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Doc: I wish! But then I'd have to worry about his aim.

Hot Lemon said...

is th' floor tile? I'm a Master at disposing of poop an' I gots the coffee mug to prove it. Poop on tile ain't no big fo' me. it's wet, messy, liquid die-yuh-ree-yuh in huge puddles and tracks all o'er the carpet that gets me to tear me hair.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Hot Lemon: I said I was a wuss when it comes to poop! Yep, it's tile and it was firm and dry. I would have MOVED!!! I'm going to need your phone number. You know, just in case. ;)

Seraphine said...

Awww don't give up yet. With our increasing life expectancy, you'll have your opportunity to old-age floor shit soon enough. The trick is keep that belly-rubbing girl of yours healthy. Consider changing sides of the bed with her.

Raven said...

Awww, true love...when you clean it up...grumble at them...but you know they're sorry and know you can't help but love them.
I'm trying to decide which is worse, my kids or my dog. Neither cleans up after themselves. I'm thinking maybe the kids...but it's a real close race.

Matt-Man said...

That is exactly why I have a cat. I hope the ailments improve and the floors stay clean. Cheers!!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Seraphine: I'd better invest in Depends?

Raven: Isaac would have cleaned up. But alas, he has no hands.

Matt-man: You and me, both!

Hammer said...

Oh man poop is my job. Luckily I've got tiny dogs with little crunchy poops.

Those big elephant dumps on the floor are pure hell.

No More Empty Fortune Cookies said...

Oh NO! I'm glad you survived. I hope your sweetie is feeling better. I am technically closer to the door, but somehow worked it out so that if the sunny-dog has to go potty my sweetie is the one to get up with her. try batting eyelashes, that works for me!

katy said...

i used to heave changing my son's shitty nappies, he was potty trained so quick!!!!
yet i can pick up the dogs poo no probs!
hope your woman is better real soon

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I love Tennessee. Pretty dog. It's so beautiful there. My girls wants us to move there. We were there on vacation 3 years ago.

Eeeewwwww! Poop is not nice to clean up. I am handed my bubba...he pooped, clean him up, please. He smiles knowing his mother isn't afraid of a little poop and will have him fresh a flower soon. I just wish he smelled fresh as a flower...Ha!

I hope your g/f gets better soon.

Ciao babes.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Hammer: Not quite elephant...but close enough!

No More: Usually, poop is her J.O.B., but I couldn't make her do it as sick as she was. And thanks for the well wishes!

Katy: I need your phone number!

Spiky: Thanks! Come on down! We'll scootch over and make room for ya!

Diva said...

Yep. I understand the poop in the floor. When I married Big T, I got a boy and a dog. One is a dork and the other poops in the floor when the dork doesn't feel like taking it out.

Icky cycle.

R.E.H. said...

I couldn't stand picking up dog poo off of my kitchen floor. That would be too gross for poor old me... which is probably why I don't have a dog.

They may be cute and all - but they're not setting foot in my apartment!

coffeypot said...

Okay! Here’s what ya do. Pick up all the poop, put it in a plastic bag and put the plastic bag on the pillow and tell her to take it out when she feels better. Also, we are a team, here. So I did my team half. You can do yours when you feel better, and, besides, the bag in closer to you.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmmm... at least it's hard poop. hard poop is easier to clean up after than the liquid stuff. youre dog is super cute, i want to hug him.

Jahooni said...

I just got a puppy this year. WHY? I have no F****ING CLUE! The whole pee and poop thing, they didn't tell me that at the breaders.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

This post makes me glad that I have small dogs. Actually when I come back, I want to be a house cat. Eat sleep and poo and ignore the humans unless i want love and only when i want love. Perfect :)

Real Live Lesbian said...

Diva: LOL....I'm guessing your man is the dork...HOPING anyway!

REH: No kids either?

Coffey: I love that you have my back!

Tequila: Ewwww....if it were runny, I'd have had to move. Aw, thanks!

Jahooni: Nope, we keep that a secret until you're attached!

RockDog said...

You should get a pig. They are supposedly cleaner...and very tasty too!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Don't worry,one day you'll be so old someone will be cleaning up your poopy mess.....and still love you!

Cooper said...

Yeah, but even if they poop in the kitchen, who else is going to lick your face EVERY time you walk in the door? Sometimes ya just gotta deal with a little poop to get the good stuff...

Logophile said...

Ya know, those dogs have all the luck, don't they?
As for the "You're closer" argument, I have the sure-fire winner. I can sleep through ANYTHING. By the time I am awake the situation has reached crisis proportion so my honey usually just gets up and deals.
I see I missed my chance on that post down there to bare my heart about my deep, dark fantasies, oh well, next time :p

Jeff B said...

Three words...Dog Colostomy Bag!!!

G.-mo said...

I had a dog for 15 years and I had a "problem" you have last night :-)

BarnGoddess said...

oh no! I hope your girl gets over her cough/sickness. Since Ive been sick Ive been banished to Wee One's bed and hes taken up my spot in the big kingsize since my coughing can literally wake the comatose.....

ew. poop. that is the BIGGEST reason I do not want to get another dog. I will have to be the one to housetrain and I am just not up to it these days.

Your pooch is loved, he knows it!

buffalodickdy said...

I feed my dog alot of cheese. When she craps, it ain't a mess that can't be picked up easily. No lie- she's never done that in the house, but she does "Leak" a bit if she's been in too long...

Diva said...

His kid is the dork... the dog is a good dog... when ya gotta poo, ya gotta poo

Odat said...

Hey I like the new look!!
LOL at the dogs....poor you!
Hope your girl feels better soon!
Peace

(p.s. thanks for your kind words during my difficult time).

Dick Small said...

I'd still rather have dogs than kids. Being a parent is a thankless job. Just ask mine.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Well my other half is sick to- coughing his head off and it makes me jump.

Coincidentally, my dog is pooping and peeing everywhere too. He is old and having some issues. I still love them both tho- the hubby and the dog!

~Deb said...

Well I certainly hope you wait until you get the other life, before you start pooping on the floor. I always get the "in" side of the bed with my partner, because everything else is so accessible to her...

So - I can say - "Oh honey, can you just shut that light off in the hall?"

Or...

"Hun, can you grab me a glass of water...since you're CLOSER?"


Bwahaha.

We have it all planned!

Aunt Jackie said...

We have a great dog, and a cat. And they get along! Wow... Anyways, I see that I have missed out on some terrific reading since I've been away. Sorry and I'm catching up now! :) Great reads so far.

Have a great week!! AJ

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

The true sign of a good person...will pick up poop and STILL love the dog.

You rock!

Hallie

TheBirdman33 said...

That is one cute doggy! My girl can usually be as lazy as me and if I dont get out of bed for 3 hours after waking up, she can usually wait patiently.

Tink said...

Amen to that! I think that should be everyone's reward for dealing with the "crap" that comes with being human. Ah, to sleep all day and get belly rubs. THAT would be the life!