Through my hazy eyes, I see a firefighter. He's over me. Busy. Much later, I see him again. I'm in an emergency room. On a hard bed. He asks, "Boyfriend troubles?" I shake my head no as tears roll down the sides of my face. "Girlfriend?" I nod. My heart sinks a little lower as I realize that I've failed. I'm still here.
A nurse stomps in rushing around and hands me a bottle of something. Says that I must drink it. It will taste awful. But it must be done. It's charcoal to absorb what's in my stomach. What I PUT in there to get rid of me. It's like drinking mud. Undoing mud of what I've done. But I do it because she told me to. I've always tried to be good.
This is not what I wanted. The nurse thinks that I wanted attention. That I was crying out for help. I wasn't. I didn't want any more help. I didn't want attention from anyone. I just wanted a way to go. To be gone. To finally wither inward into nothingness.
She treats me as if I've personally offended her. Nothing nice comes from her in word or deed. She's made her point. I'm an inconvenience. She forces the tube down my throat to suck out the contents of my stomach. I feel the suction on the inside of me. It feels like a forced vomit. But the tube prevents the awful taste of it.
I'm so sorry. So very, very sorry. Not for what I did. But that it didn't work. I'm sorry that I'm still here and that I'm her problem.
Then I'm gone again.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Emergency: Chapter 3
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13 comments:
Very dark and very interesting
For something so awful, you write beautifully.
Very sad to think that someones life brought them to that point.
Wow. Very interesting read.
**grabbing yet another tissue**
I agree w/ Jen..you write beautifully about ugliness. It seems you've become very insightful. I so hope this story takes a lighter turn...b/c I think you're a very worthy person to know. I'm glad I've found you.
** and that nurse...needs some more training!!** Banishment for that Bitch!
oh sweetie...i don't know what to say...my mind races to you and then back to me.
I wanted to jump and stop all of it in my head...i really wanted to. I just had to take another step.
A thought of mother came to me. Mother would cry...if I died. I remember her sorrow when my sister passed away in NYC. I couldn't put her through that again.
Was there any one for you?
How do you feel writing his?
You've got my attention. What a blog! Nine posts, seventy zillion comments, with not a single 'busy-mom-nutty-husband-wacky-coworkers' post. Do you have any idea how refreshing that is? And you're literate! Bonus.
I usually don't give a shit about peoples' religious or sexual preferences unless those choices play some part in my relationship with them. So if you promise not to come on to me, or try to convert me to christianity, I can happily continue to read your very interesting posts. Thanks in advance.
One final request: chapter 4 will likely reveal that you survived this suicide episode, but would you mind not trying that again ever? I have no objection to people setting the stage for their own deaths, but dying that unhappily is like being fired from life. A sane, sober, self-determined expiration for people who want to leave is fine. But don't ever do it the way you tried to do it. That's just stupid. Glad you failed. Love your blog.
Must have been a tough time...
I am crying so deep inside...
Thanks for all of your kind thoughts. Diane, it's hard. This is the first time that I've ever told the story in this much detail. And it took a lot of energy out of me yesterday. You think it's sad for you to read....man, it's really sad for me to write. But it's been long enough that I can do it.
If you noticed, for some reason, I wanted to go white with my background yesterday. I think it's because I feel lighter getting all of this out of my head.
Thanks again....really. Your comments are greatly appreciated.
I'm sitting here almost numb. With these posts, you somehow are making me remember and feel things I'd pushed so far down so long ago.
Speechless. In awe.
I used to work in an ER as a technician and have assisted on my share of lavages (stomach pumping). You're right-- RN's and paramedics aren't v. nice to the suicidals. sure, some are just trying to get attention but quite a few really just wanted to get off th' train and it didn't work. Havin' bean suicidal meself, I sympathized with 'em and tried to treat 'em nice. I figgered @ th' very least they'd suffered enuff just getting to the ER bed.
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