Friday, January 18, 2008

Time: Chapter 1

After I had cooked dinner, made a blackberry cobbler and sent my girlfriend off with her best friend for the evening, it was time.

All of my life, my mother had kept the pistol in the cupboard by the back door. Behind the plastic cereal container. To the right. On the top shelf.

My hand searched. Reached back. Nope, it's gone. She must have moved it. That's what I get for going off to college. She moves the one thing I need right now.

I'm going for the quickest way possible. Finish this off. Right now. But the damn gun is gone.

Plan B.

I wonder how many sleeping pills I can find. Perfect. Daddy just had his prescription refilled and there are 30 in the bottle. Diazepam. Not as fast, but I can Marilyn it up and get the job done.

I'm 25 years old and it's the Fourth of July. To say that things aren't going my way is a phenomenal understatement. My girlfriend and I are on the verge of calling it quits. I have no clue what to do with my life after another semester in the Clinical Psychology Master's Program. And I work for some very bad people. Very bad.

I got a phone call yesterday telling me that if I talked, there wouldn't be enough room in this town for me. He knows that I know. Sean would kill him for scaring me that way, but Harry is scared. Scared that I'll talk and everyone will go away to prison. I'm scared, too. But Sean always told me, "Knowledge is power, as long as you keep your mouth shut." I plan on keeping my power.

So I won't talk. Anymore. Ever.

I'm tired of all of it. Life. Love. School. Everything. I'm just going through the motions of living. I'm existing. Doing the bare minimum to get through this time in my life. But I can't try anymore. I just don't want to.


I thought we'd take a break from all the lesbian questions. ;)

25 comments:

Cooper said...

awesome start...would like to read more....

Jay Cam said...

whoa is this for real?
don't!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Cooper: Thanks!

Jaycam: Yep, it was for real...but it was when I was 25. I'm 42 now. So long, long time ago.

Leighann said...

ah.... another little snippit of life....

keep feeding my need baby :)

Real Live Lesbian said...

Leighann: You addicted to the reality tit? I'm happy to hand you the nipple. It's all true.

Biscuit said...

Cliffhanger, huh? Naughty girl.

Doc said...

Wheew.. glad to read that was from years ago...

Leighann said...

I'll never get tired of hearing "tit" or "nipple"

Just so you know!

motherx said...

WoW! cant believe that happened! didnt want to say too much until I found out if you were joking or not incase I looked dumb. Thats a novel in the making!!
Im 42 aswell...thats so dire. Wish I could be perm 31.

Alli said...

WOW. Tough times. I am glad you pulled through it.

Hopefully things are mucho better now.

i am the diva said...

more more more!

Jay said...

Part 2 better be coming SOON! That post today would be a good opening of a TV show or made for TV movie.

Dana said...

Hey! I'm sending an email with my full comments, but just wanted to say that I'm glad this turned out the way it (obviously) did!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Biscuit: I can be ;)

Doc: Yep, ages.

Leighann: Me neither...just so YOU know!

Motherx: No, no joke. All true.

Alli: Yes, amazingly so.

Diva: You're sooo demanding!

Jay: Yes sir. And thanks!

Dana: Me, too. Looking for your email!

coffeypot said...

So! Did you die? Don't leave me hanging like that.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Coffeypot: Good question. And yes, I did.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Oh sweetie. I'm glad you are here. I am such a wimp today...That made my eyes water...sweetie.

NOi I didn't have tears stream down my face....yes, they did.

YOu make this planet a better place babes. Don't ever go away.

What lesbian questions? (cringes), that was one , huh?

later babes...have a fab weekend.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Spiky: Don't cry, girlie. All's okay now! You have a fab weekend too!

Jeff B said...

Talk about how to hold an audience.

To quote a movie line, "I'd have missed you even if I had never met you."

So glad you're here with us today.

Hot Lemon said...

holy shit-- from fashionably bi to suicide!!

coffeypot said...

Damn! Sorry to hear it. You were so pretty and such a joyous person. I miss you very much.

g-man said...

I was going to ask that too coffeepot. :) Lynn I am glad that what happened next happened next. I think you are terrific.

tt said...

Holy elfin' shit!!
that scared the shit outta me!
**gotta blow my nose..hang on a sec**
hugs to the little girl in you.....

R.E.H. said...

Part 2 is already up there (haven't read it yet) and thank Goodness for that, 'cause I'm itchin' to read on.

Gotta tell you though, you scared the crap outta me before you mentioned that this was when you were 25.

Blogville cannot not lose their one and only Real Live Lesbian!

Diva said...

Desperation. Can be the fuel do cause one to ignite.

Bless your heart, girl. Its a tough row to hoe.

I read these posts backward since I was out of pocket for a few days.