Friday, January 18, 2008

Killing Me: Chapter 2




It has been a couple of years coming. Things have gotten worse and worse. It seems as though there is no way out of any of it. No light at the end of my tunnel. I have taken it and taken it and taken it until I am full of hopelessness and agony and I can't stand one more day on this planet. I don't care where I go, I just don't want to be HERE anymore. Don't want to live MY life anymore. Don't want to be ME anymore.

I have great friends in the Clinical Psy program with me and they know I'm down. We talk about it. And I let them think they help. My girlfriend, Diane doesn't know what to do besides love me. And frankly, it's not enough. I need something more. But I don't know what IT is.

I set the pills down on the kitchen table that I've eaten at since I was 7 and head to the bottom kitchen cabinet by the phone. That's where Mother hides the liquor. There is plenty there since neither of them drink much. It's mostly for friends and holidays. I find a quart mason jar of shimmery clear liquid. Welcome to the South. A quart of moonshine makes a great gift.

I remember that it's the Fourth of July. Just 15 years prior, when I was ten, I was baptized into the local Baptist church. I was saved and I'll die on the same day.

Damn, it's like jet fuel. I take the pills in three swallows and force the rest of the moonshine down. I'm drunk before I even finish the moonshine. I throw my head back to get the last drop and set the jar down, "Ok God. Let's see you get me out of this." I know it can't be done. I've taken enough moonshine to prevent me from asking for help and the pills will finish me off. Silly to even say that. But I want the last word. God surely isn't going to have it.

I sit down in the easy chair that my Mother watches TV in to let things take their course. I know she'll be sad. I'm her only child. But at the same time, other memories rush forth. Asking her to play and being refused because her "show" is on. Being whipped too hard. Desperately wanting to be understood. Always feeling like the black sheep. I close my eyes and know it will only be a moment.

The phone rings. In my drunken stupor, I answer it as it's sitting right beside me. It's Suz, an ex girlfriend. Her girlfriend is a nurse and they are my best buddies. I'd told her that I was going to be out of town this weekend, why is she calling me. And here? Why's she calling me here?

I don't even know what I'm saying. Just answering and being polite. She knows something's wrong. Shit. She gives the phone to her girlfriend, Kim. I ask if she knows what diazepam is and she does.

That's the last thing I remember.

19 comments:

Leighann said...

That's intense my friend.

Jen said...

. . . I am glad to know that you made it & are here today.

Hot Lemon said...

yes, it is. And I've drunk 'shine-- it's a wonner ya' didn't puke yer guts out-- I sho' as hell did.

when *I* kill myself I'm going to go out somewhere in th' woods so I don't leave a nasty corpse behind.

coffeypot said...

If the 'shine is made right, it is sooo smooth. It goes down like water and comes back up like fire. Good Stuff!

Can't wait to see if you really did die, or you were just spoofing me.

Trée said...

{deep listening}

Thanks for the very kind words on my blog. Very much appreciated.

g-man said...

My buddy from Virginia offered me some next time I come to visit. Jet fuel huh? SO is that what they tell you when you are baptized by Baptists? Mark the day toots cause this is the one?

Jay said...

I'm glad I know that you made it through this. Otherwise I would be pretty concerned here. Like Leighann said, this is pretty intense.

Biscuit said...

Geez, I'm hanging on the edge of my seat here!! And I'll never look at my friend valium the same ever again.

I am SO dragging you out the next time I'm in Nashville. You've got STORIES! But first, g-man wants me to use your potty :)

Real Live Lesbian said...

Everyone: Don't worry ya'll...I won't make you wait too long. It's all coming back rather quickly. Someone brought it to the front of my mind with a post on her blog, so I thought I'd share.

And Biscuit....I'd LOVE to!

Southern Sage said...

Thee are some boys down here that will whoop you up some serious shine, I landed square dab in an ambulance @ 15 with a .39 blood alchol level once. Can anyone say 2 day hang over??
I'll be through there tommorrow nght I'll blow the hore be listening fo me!

tt said...

I to think..I actually blog about my wee little bitches...
I need to shut up already! Life is good these days...and my little girl days were better than I thought..
You're a tough one...
** gotta get another tissue***

Jeff B said...

I know you're living and breathing today, but reading this still raised the hairs on the back of my neck! Look. . . see . . . straight up!

Southern Sage said...

Horn* not hore!
haaaaaaaaaaaa

katy said...

shit, so glad you are a survivor, (((hugs))) to you x
have a look at mine at the survivor meme and do it if it helps you x

buffalodickdy said...

Well, glad you're still here...

cats in the window said...

you are going in a interesting direction with this story....I will be back...

Matt-Man said...

It's nice that you made it through the abyss. Cheers!!

mackeydoodle said...

I am glad you chose life instead.
((hug))

R.E.H. said...

Jeez! That's some pretty heavy stuff you're unloading upon us. Takes guts to write these things down.

We're all lucky you're attempt wasn't successful. Send my regards to Lynn and Kim.

I'm hoping there's a continuation to this story.