Thursday, January 29, 2009

Will It Be A Collision Or A Gentle Merger?


My worlds are colliding. At first it was just a few friends that found me on Facebook. Then I painted with a few cousins and they asked if I had an account. I told them I did. They found me. Then their brother. Another cousin. A cousin's wife. And just this morning, three more cousins. Yes, I have a very large, very close knit family that I am very happy to be a part of.

Now, my family knows that I'm a lesbian. But I don't fly my gay flag and kiss my girlfriend at the family reunion. I am who I am. I try to be true to my self. And yet, this facebook collision between my family and my gay friends has me moderately flipped out.

I know too many people that have lost their families because they are homosexual. While my family is extremely accepting of me, it only takes one wacko to upset the apple cart and cause a big to-do. That's what I'm afraid of.

I don't want my sexuality to be a big deal. I want to be known for who I am, not who I sleep with.

52 comments:

Anna Lefler said...

Facebook worries me, too.

What if everyone finds out how boring I am?

You, on the other hand, are cool. Here's hoping it's a smooth merger for you...

XO

Anna

Lori D said...

I have other friends who wrestle with the idea of mixing family and friends in facebook. Heck, I'm already losing family on my spouse's side JUST because they now know I'm a transsexual. What's a girl to do? I've come to the decision that I will allow my personal faith AND my authenticity be my compass. All else has to follow behind.

And if I turn around and find no one behind me, I'll find support and love from those who love me...Just as I am, just like Christ does.

kimber p said...

that was one of the main reasons I decided to delete my Facebook acct. Not because of my sexuality, I've always been out and proud to anyone and everyone. But because you seriously can't have any private moments in Facebook. ever. I also don't dig all the extra crap..the winks, the pokes the applications, all that crap. too clausterphobic.

Blogget Jones said...

I'm fascinated with Facebook. I'm a little nervous sometimes about my friends (who are from all walks), colleagues, and family mixing. My sister tried to start trouble with it, by twisting some things said on Ranger's page. But I sorted that out fine.

Mostly, it's turned into one big high school reunion. They've been coming out of the woodwork there. Isn't that odd?

Hey, drop me a line at blogget_jones@yahoo.com if you want to add each other's Facebooks :o)

Laura said...

I know this feeling well.

While my family "knows"...they dont really talk about it much...its kind of just accepted and thats it.

I think Facebook would shock the shit out of them! LOL

I limit who has access

Fortune Cookies said...

I spaz a a bit over facebook and family too. I still live by To Thine Own Self Be True...but that doesn't mean that I don't get the heebiejeebies thinking about facebook.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

My dad asked to be my facebook friend, and he would be mad at the jokes I tell there, so I ignored it. You have to be a little careful!

random moments said...

Yeah Facebook can get a little sticky. I hesitated on a comment I was making about a friend's photo because I realized it would be broadcasted.

I think you can manage your settings to a pretty private level. That way all your communication won't be thrown out there for family to see.

Good luck. :)

SkylersDad said...

The biggest thing about having a blogger account and a facebook account is trying to keep names straight! Most facebook accounts are real names and blogger names are anonymous. I am always afraid I will use somebodies other name in the other place, if ya know what I mean...

Dianne said...

You need to do what makes you happy and comfortable.

I can't stand Facebook. I'm there because my niece asked me to be - just as she sucked me into Myspace

once there she pretty much abandoned me in a world of (to me) silliness - writing on walls, throwing snowballs, I don't get it -

Jen said...

Ahhh. . . the good ole Facebook. I have an account and it's quite addicting, but I do have to say I don't like all the additional "applications" if you will. I love getting in touch with old friends, mostly high school, but I don't worry too much about it. It's like the blog, if I put it out there for the world wide blog-o-sphere, then I've put it out there. Same thing goes for Facebook. You, unfortunately, cannot control how other people feel, react or are. You can only just be you. I'm hoping you have a smooth merger. . .

Jormengrund said...

I can understand your concern.

However, I would say that with as accepting as your family is of you now, the one bad apple that might cause problems shouldn't pose too much of a problem.

Why?

Because if it hasn't happened by now, then the acceptance is genuine.

Believe in the love and trust your family has for you and your lifestyle choices, and trust that they'll love you no matter who you love, or what you believe in.

Be yourself, be happy, and be loved.

buffalodick said...

You make your choices, and you live by them. Facebook doesn't interest me, I'll just keep bloggin' along!

Just telling it like it is said...

Well, it is hopeful today that people that love you love you for the content of heart, and not who you sleep with.
Hey at least that is what I am hoping I always like the nerdy guys and well...you get the picture.

Dana said...

YIKES! You know this is one of my big concerns. I like my two separate worlds as - like you - I fear the judgment of family should they discover the blog side of me!

I hope you feel only a merger!

Slyde said...

thats a tough one. im pretty new to facebook (1 month) but i can see how it can spiral out of control with you are connecting with. im talking with people i havent talked to since grade school, for gosh sakes!

Scarlet said...

I'm new to Facebook and so far so good, but I can understand how too much information can get people talking about things that don't really matter...or shouldn't matter.

I don't think someone like you could lose family or friends, especially due to who you love.

Kim said...

I have that very fear...I have some seriously conservative (read as: racist, homophobic, uptight, closed-minded) relatives. I know they have facebook and I live in fear of them finding me on facebook and being forced to figure out how to NOT add them without causing a major rift.

They stopped coming to my home after I stopped putting certain things (our Buddha statue, prayer flags, books, ect.) out of sight. That's just fine with me. In fact, maybe they have found me and have decided NOT to add me. Also fine with me.

We choose our friends, not our families. Those we just learn to make the best with what we're dealt!

I hope it goes smoothly for you...no drama!

Akelamalu said...

Mmmm I have a facebook account but I don't use it much, I prefer blogging. I hope you're worrying unecessarily about Facebook honey.

Diane said...

yea, i worry about what i put out there too. sexuality aside, there's so much TMI material in everyone's life really.
but, ya know what, you just be you. if someone can't deal with it, that's their problem.

Ashleigh said...

I would not give the nay sayers a second thought. Just be who you are and the accepting ones will still be there. After all they are the ones that count. Right?

:)

Holy Crappers said...

Thanks for stopping by our blog !!

#2 has facebook . #1 had a myspace account, deleted it.
Only a selected few know about our blog. Not that we talk about family or such , just want it that way.

#1

Bond said...

I just opened a facebook account a week ago and I am already to delete it...not for the same reasons as you, but because I just have no interest in more memes, more snowballs, more birthday requests, more things to make my brain explode.

I am truly hopeful we can come to a time where our sexuality or our beliefs or our 'sins' (pot, drink, whatever) does not make a difference and that people do just see us for who we are.

Brad said...

I just started on Facebook. At first I thought 'meh - who cares' but after a few days of connecting with people far and wide I think it's pretty cool. I can see how it can easily lead to world colliding and have been trying to proceed with caution. Not so much because I'm gay, I've just known a lot of freaky people in my day.

~*Jobthingy*~ said...

I want to be known for who I am, not who I sleep with.

and THAT is just how it should be. anyone who thinks differently you can tell them to expect a big kick in the head from my size 10

All This Trouble... said...

My facebook is facebook and my blogger is blogger and never the twain shall meet.

KPChicago said...

If they can't love you for who you are and not your sexuality... well that's a damn shame. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Kate said...

I have a pretty PG facebook account, but if my family ever found my blog, I think I might throw up.

Gay Boyfriend is the same as you though. Wants to respect his family and yet wants to be proud of who he is. It's a fine, fine line.

Nolens Volens said...

I am 100% behind the GLBT...why? My mother is gay. For many years, she feared being outed while teaching. I supported her and never revealed where she taught when I told people about my mother. Life is too short. Enjoy it.

Fu Manchu Dad said...

I hope you get the gentle merger, but sadly, I fear that inevitably, you'll encounter a collision sooner or later. There is ALWAYS someone in every extended family that has to crap on your cupcakes at some point. When that day comes, we here in blogland know that you will handle it with the dignity and intelligence that we have come to know you have in plenty. Do your best to ignore the idiots, and rest your heart in the love of the other 99.9% of your family.
But if you're lucky.....
merger.
FMD

Karen said...

Your family may appreciate you more when they see you as "real" person!

C said...

i only have blogger. it's all i have time for. the other places are crap in my opinion. BUT, as someone said, you can adjust your settings for any amount of privacy you need/want. or delete it. whatever your choice, thats just it, YOUR choice. be happy, hon.
and be FREEEEEEEEE.

C

we're doomed said...

"People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?...It's just not right. It's just not right. It's not, it's not going to change anything. we'll, we'll get our justice....Please, can we get along here. We can all get along. I mean, we're all stuck here for a while. Let's try to work it out. Let's try to beat it. Let's try to beat it. Let's try to work it out"
Rodney Glen King May 1st, 1992
Los Angeles Riots

Dear RLL, I agree with Rodney King. We all need to get along. Love is everything, everything. I hope your family and friends love you for the person you are, not the person they want you to be.

Missy said...

I personally keep my blog and face book totally apart. It pisses me off but its just a fact that my mother doesn't need to know that I watch porn and have been smack in the middle of a 5 girl sandwich.
Neither does my cousin or my friend from 6th grade. *wink*

I just stumbled upon your blog and am looking forward to reading more.

You seem like a really cool chick!

Gina said...

I, too, keep my Facebook and blog fairly separate. I hope, anyway.

Cap'n Ergo "XL" Jinglebollocks said...

I'm not sure I gets it-- why is half the blogosphere on FaceBook all o' a sudden? IS it like something out of Star Trek?? Will we all suddenly be wearing red shirts next??

Micky-T said...

I'm trying my hardest to keep the two seperate. I recently opened up a facebook and I'm enjoying all my long lost cousins [I too am from a large family]. What I'm going to attempt to do is to not invite any bloggers to my facepage. Sorry!

Blogging I pretty much stay anonymous to the world, facebook is short and personel with family. I might if in time I feel OK with it I might let some of the family know of the blog.

This is a bit of a juggling act.

Biscuit said...

I totally understand your fear. Mine is of my FB "real life" colliding with my blog life, which means I trust very few bloggy people to be able to keep this secret under their hat if I friend them on FB.

Tall Man Molly said...

Facebook helped me reunite with my first love.

You happen to be a woman, that also happens to be a lesbian. The distinction is that you are a person first and what happens in your lovelife is YOUR business. It's sad that some cannot be accepting, I feel sorry for them, they don't have the courage to buck the misconceptions labels have caused.

Beth said...

facebook is the devil!!!

Girl, you are FABULOUS and your family knows this, and they love you....ALL of you. But who you sleep with is YOUR business....

Sabrae Carter said...

I almost have this same issue! Could be why my adoptive mom and dad don't talk to me anymore! lol Totally forgot when I annouced that I was gay that my moms pastors kids are on my facebook and myspace pages! oops!

Bent and Vice said...

We have managed to keep our sexuality off of Facebook -- sort of. Being married makes it easier to hide bisexuality behind the hetero-version.

On-line integrity seems to dictate a loss of privacy to an extent. The anonymity of the Internet seems to be collapsing into a black hole of technology leaving us all without clothes.

BostonPobble said...

My professional stuff has started to go live. My personal stuff is beginning to overlap. To a certain extent, I understand your concerns (although I think you have more at stake than I). Here's wishing you the smoothest of smooth transitions!

C said...

hey chickie poo, got some lovin for you... come and get your love......


C

Akelamalu said...

Hi there, it's Monday and there's an award for you at my place. :)

g-man said...

I was recently thinking that I was going to remove my facebook profile, mainly since 1. I only started it to keep tabs on my niece, now she is 18. 2. I rarely go there. 3. I really have two separate classes of friends (those who i will drop the "F" bomb in front of, and those who I wont) and both are represented on my FB.

Oh and 4. I have never actually found anyone I purposely looked for.

kristi said...

Well, I can understand that! My sis in law did not come out to us but I KNEW. When she finally tried to bring it up to HUBS, her brother, he made it easy and said, "I already know. It doesn't matter."

Ann said...

It should be just a "non-issue", in the same way heterosexuality is, you know? But, it often is not. I hope it "feels" right for you as time goes along. :)

pe1biv said...

Well, my partner/gf, already for over 10 years, is definitely part of me and who I am, unless the 'who' is only qualified as my character.
We are just a couple, just like any other couple.

I wouldn't want it another way, but I guess with us living in the Netherlands (we also lived in the UK), we are in a place where we can.
Where in general we can just behave like any other (hetrosexual) couple and kan just exchange a kiss.

My Facebook has actually one colleague of mine and two colleagues of Jacqueline that we see outside of her work.
My youngest sister is not on any networking site and my other sister on LinkedIn and Hyves, where the latter has more family members.
Well Hyves has a Dutch origin, so I guess that's where the family will be.
So, my Facebook has friends from the LGBT community as friends that most likely have little or no relation to the LGBT community.

On Facebook I normally only accept people as friend when I know, like them and as such want them as a friend.
With family it is probably not a good idea to not be friends if they find you.... But then, they know who I am and who I sleep with.

My professional contacts, though there are a few overlaps, are on LinkedIn.

As for the applications on Facebook, until now I don't think I have accepted any.

K said...

I have similar thoughts about facebook (although I'm boringly married and procreating). I still have parts of my life I don't want to mix - it might get messy.

Jannie Funster said...

Facebook is amazing for cousin finding for sure.

I'm almost 45 (fuck-a-duck, am I really?) and my little bitty 18-year old thrice removed relatives are finding me. God, I must seem ANCIENT to them, but it's all relative, eh.

Yeah, I am an 'Old' relative to them!

Lu' said...

I feel for your exposure, truely. You may want to now change your face book to be about family, and wear your lipstick proudly here in blogland. Just a thought. I'm not family, never met you and am not gay, but I know I dig you :)