ASS U ME

When people assume...well, you know what happens. That's why I let the dust settle after the episodes back in October where the bullies tried to shut me up.

I thought I'd tell ya'll why I call my ex, My Ex The Redneck.

Number one? It rhymes. I'm simple like that.
Number two? I didn't want to use her real name.
Number three? She actually calls herself that. But that's hard to explain to a couple of high-falutin' Yankees that consider it insulting and are trying to defend her.

Early in our relationship, My Ex The Redneck and I realized that we were both descendants of rednecks, country folk, or whatever you want to call them.

During a trip for Thanksgiving Dinner at my cousin Sara's house, she walks us outside to show us her birthday present. Glass packs for her classic Boss muscle car (it makes it real loud). That's the first time I remember My Ex The Redneck calling my family redneck. I called her family redneck right back and the games began.

Every year we would make mental notes of the redneck things that our family did and compare at the end of the year. Who ever had the most redneck family events won.

The first year, my cousin Sara won with the glass packs. Mostly because we didn't spend much time with My Ex The Redneck's family.

The next year, My Ex The Redneck won at Easter. Very early in the year to be winning, but you'll see why.

We dressed in pastel and brought a side dish for Pudd and Bubba's (YES, those are their real names.) Easter Covered Dish Dinner. They COULD have won on names alone, but they didn't have to. After dinner, I walked onto the front porch.

Me: Pushes open the aluminum screen door and let's it slam. (Somewhere from inside: Don't slam the door!")

Bubba: "Hey Julie, grab that cooler or flip that bucket upside down and siddown with us." Do not believe everything you've heard about Southern gentlemen.

Me: Flips five gallon bucket over and perches on it. "What's that smell?"

Bubba: Aw, that damn cat of Pudd's crawled up under the porch and died last week. We cain't reach 'im to get 'im out.

They all sat on the front porch talking, laughing and smelling the dead cat. I went back inside. Somebody else got the bucket.