Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Asparagus, You Little Stinker!



Saturday night, we were invited to a birthday dinner. We arrived to Red Pepper Hummus with Pita Chips, Shrimp with Chimichurri, and a hot Spinach Dip. Dinner promised to be an incredible spread.

The hostess poured us Grey Goose L'Orange Vodka with Fresca. I became tipsier and tipsier as we inched closer to dinner. I knew that the evening would lead to a tangled, mess of sheets.

With a linen napkin in my lap, I was passed the Pork Tenderloin, Herb Roasted Potatoes and oh no...not that.

Asparagus.

I was sitting right next to the hostess. I couldn't get out of eating it. I knew as I took the first bite, the evening's ending of hot, girl sex had just bitten the dust.

When we arrived home, she reached around me, kissing my neck from behind.

"Nope."

"Nope?"

"Babe, we both had asparagus. You know it's coming. That smell!"

"So?"

"So nothing's happening."

"I don't mind."

"I don't care."

And right then and there, two perfectly willing lesbians went to sleep.

Thank goodness the Right Wing, Anti-Gay movement doesn't know about the crippling effects of asparagus!

46 comments:

Ve said...

You should taste what it does to semen.

Oh and FIRST!!

Dr Zibbs said...

Good one.

Ashleigh said...

*blink* *blink*

;)

Akelamalu said...

Asparagus does that? :0

dguzman said...

I never noticed! Wow. What the hell have I been doing all these years?!

Mind of MadMan said...

OK RLL I would sacrifice my services just to see if it is really THAT distasteful...
no I would not enjoy it, but it is for the greater good.

g-man said...

Lesbian Kriptonite? Say it aint so! Some people cant smell it at all. I have since lost the ability. My wife on the other hand can whiff it a mile away.

Grant said...

Couldn't you politely refuse stating you won't be able to have hot monkey sex if you're forced to eat their Satanic weed?

Brad said...

I guess it would have been a bit cool for sex under the stars -

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

the things you learn....I thought you would say it makes you pee green, but anyway....

Bond said...

I did not know that...learn something new every day

BOO for no tangled mess of sheets

Rage Angel said...

OMG, I don't know if I would have had the courage to tell that story. Your telling all of the lesbian hush-hush stuff! LOL

Jormengrund said...

Now I know you're asking for trouble!

Heh. Next time you get snarky on me, I'll threaten you with a bushel of asparagus!

*insert evil chuckle here*

Nolens Volens said...

Damn! Now I gotta tell the R-WAG leaders that RLL has stumbled onto their ultra-secret plan to introduce aerosolized asparagus over the crowds of "known" drag locales! Oh shit! I spilled it here! Er...uhm...disregard what I said! Yay for uhm...(whispers "what do you call them?" to someone in R-WAG)...oh yeah gay and lesbians! ;)

Laura said...

I dont like asparagus!

*phew*

However, working in the medical field.....I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.....

Vodka Mom said...

Asparagus- the lesbian kryptonite. who'd a thought???

Vodka Mom said...

OH CRAP! G man beat me to it!! That bastard.....

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Next time smile and say I am sorry I'm allergic.

Jay said...

Asparagus? Really?

Well. I'll. Be. Damned.

Ok, Asparagus is bad. Gotta remember that.

Biscuit said...

What does it do?! What does it do?! I know about the guy thing, but what the heck with girls?

Does Bearnaise sauce counteract it? I really like to drown mine in Bearnaise.

nitebyrd said...

I had no clue. I will definitely keep that in mind for the future.

meno said...

Would celery have balanced it out?

King of New York Hacks said...

Must remember to serve that to all the women in the room I dont want to sleep with therefore the women who don't eat it will have to settle with me !! Asparagus , good stocking stuffer to mess with peoples minds this year thanks !!

Ann said...

This is SO true, isn't it? Someone needs to invent a new asparagus...

~wicked~ said...

omg....i LMFAO! whenever my mom serves asparagus, my gf and i give each other the 'not tonight' look and laugh! no one, of course, gets it.

Beth said...

is it really THAT bad that you have to pass on sex???

Lu' said...

Huh!

Bizarro Aunt Jackie said...

Wow... truer words were never spoken about Asparagus. I don't eat the stuff myself. I try to keep it sweet down there--hehe

Lauren said...

And I thought it was just pee that it tainted. Hmm...guess not. *wink*

Sabrae said...

hmmm i just learned something very new! lol but hey at least you get to have sex... we are in a bit of a drought... and it's driving me frigging bonkers!

we're doomed said...

Let's hope Rush doesn't find out and let everyone know about the asparagus curse.

Dana said...

Asparagus? Really? Now I know why my heterosexual parents were so adamant about me eating my veggies!

Scarlet said...

The things you learn on this blog. :)

Monogram Queen said...

LMAO you both should have passed on the asparagus.... just sayin'!!

Fortune Cookies said...

OMG! That's friggin' hilarious! Asparagus kills many a lesbians' romps, I'd imagine.

Jess said...

LMAO! That is so fucking funny! And so true...there are some other foods that do the same...isn't it terrible?!?!

Dianne said...

I feel better informed now! I'm ashamed to say I did not know of the dangers of asparagus

Mo said...

Speak it sister. Makes everything smell and taste funny but it's soooo good to eat from time to time.

Ginni said...

I didn't know that about asparagus! I knew it about shrimp...but not asparagus!

You should have had it AFTER you had sex! It could have been dessert!

P.S. Just so you know, I spewed diet pepsi all over my monitor!! This is just too freakin' funny!

Jen said...

What thu. . . ? Am I sheltered? I have no friggin' clue as to what is going on here? I feel like a dolt. . .

CheekyMonkey said...

;) i think only 46% of the population experience that. That's hilarious. I guess I never really thought about it.. or never had to!!!

phd in yogurtry said...

ooooh, "Grey Goose L'Orange Vodka"

I just lubs me some orange flavored vodka. Haven't tried it with Fresca, tho I just got back from store with a 12-pk of it this very afternoon. I do recommend a dash of cranberry anytime orange vodka is involved.

prissynotgirly said...

really? asparagus causes bad ... odor?? i did not know that??!!

~Jobthingy~ said...

LOL! you should have told the hostess you were allergic or something.

or fed it to a roaming dog

Tiggerlane said...

I thought it just made the PEE smell. OMG...I eat asparagus twice a month at least, and never noticed anything foul. And I'm damn hygenic.

Huh. Okay. Now I need a list of foods to abstain from. Pronto.

Vixen said...

Um....

REALLY?! I've heard other things about Asparagus but..... Really?!?!

Ok then. (damnit)