Sunday, October 26, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 3

Questions. They always make me think, especially when they are questions that I've asked myself a million times. Did I really want another woman who was in a heterosexual relationship? That was any easy one – YES! But that next part – the why – that wasn't so easy, or was it?

I knew exactly why, I'd just never said it out loud. A woman in a heterosexual relationship was safe, or at the very least, safer. You see, in my world that would mean she would have every bit as much to lose as I did if boundaries were crossed. She'd be less likely to become obsessive – her status wouldn't really allow for that type of time commitment. She'd need to hold back a bit emotionally to keep the status quo at home. In other words, she'd never be able to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Being with a woman who was already in a heterosexual relationship would allow me to test the waters before having to make a commitment to my own sexuality.

You see, when you've lived over half of your life denying who you are at the core, it's overwhelming to even consider the idea of sharing that with the world. It has the potential to impact everyone and everything you've so carefully crafted to continue the denial – from the relationship with your children and spouse, to how you are perceived by your neighbors and coworkers. Everyone is proud to say they have a lesbian friend – everyone is fascinated with the idea of kissing a girl and liking it – but to make a public statement of loving women? That takes courage that I just don't have right now. Yes, I wanted a woman who was in a heterosexual relationship – it would be easier to keep my emotions in check.

It wasn't long before responses started coming in. It wasn't an overwhelming response – more like a trickle, and what an an interesting mix.

First there was Tiffany, a married 40-something woman looking for "a gal friend, someone to be close to, get to know, hang out and have a relationship with." Her email was friendly, but also had a few spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors. Was I being a snob by being so judgmental of her writing? I wanted to be able to connect with a woman on an intellectual level. I worked hard on my Craig's List ad – I hoped to get responses that were well written and articulate. I realized this was going to be one of my primary requirements for continuing contact. I got similar type emails from several other women. I did not respond to any of them. If I was going to put myself out there, I wasn't going to settle - settling is how I ended up marrying a man.

The second email was from Julie. It was the first "negative" response I received. I was prepared for this – I know there is a bit of a hierarchy in the lesbian world – those who look down on women like me. Julie wrote:

blah blah blah Jesus im surprised your husband has not left you lol you want to play shut up ask for my number be ready to meet and play if not go to a chat room

Needless to say, I didn't respond to Julie, and I held my breath in hopes that I'd not get any additional responses like hers.

There was Stephanie, another married woman who shared my desires and background. She was well "spoken" and we exchanged a few emails. She sent a photo in her second email of her at a company picnic. She had a cigarette in her hand. That was a deal breaker. Superficial? Maybe, but I just couldn't see myself getting past that.

Melissa responded, and there were several proverbial red flags in her email. One of her first questions was "What is your race?" Again, I understand that we all have preferences, but when that is the first question I read I start wondering if this is someone who might be closed-minded about many things. Additionally, she was single, childless and wanted "regularity and accessibility." She was also quite sexually explicit in her initial response to my ad. I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but when you've not taken the time to get to know me and your email states that you like, "getting my pussy ate and breast sucked," I'm a little taken aback. Although the physical aspect of this potential relationship is important to me, it isn't where I want to start. DELETE.

Then there was Sue, who turned out to be a bot, trolling for folks to log on to a singles XXX site to see her photos. I didn't access the link, but I have no doubt I'd have needed to join the site, pay a fee, and would never have found Sue.

Maybe I really was looking for some unrealistic ideal – being too picky. My intro on the ad, "Looking for a needle in a haystack," was meant to be an attention getter. I was starting to believe it was a premonition … that is until I received a response from Emma.

Emma. If I'd have hand picked a respondent for my ad I couldn't have done any better. Her first email was articulate, eloquent and contained just enough information that I wanted more. She was within my age range, a professional, married with grown children and exploring her sexuality – owning up to what she had always felt. Although her experience with women was limited, she was honest and upfront about what she hoped to find. Better still? She considered me educated and refined. She had only one concern – geography.

Emma wrote:

How nice to see an ad from someone in my age range. I'm a happily married, full-time professional with two grown children. Have been drawn to the idea of being intimate with another woman for decades, but acted on this desire for the first time only recently. It was a wonderful experience that I'd love to repeat.

I'm 45, but still youthful in appearance...5'6", size 10, 34C, short blonde hair, pretty face. Spent most of my career working for large corporations, most recently as head of worldwide logistics. Several years ago, I established a consulting practice, focusing mainly on management training.

The drawback is that I live in the Washington, DC area. But in my limited experience with Craigslist, it seems the pickings are so slim when it comes to educated, refined women over 40, that it's worth reaching out even when the geography is challenging. I'm a New York area native and I do get down to your area regularly.

Photo is attached. Sorry it's so small; it's the only way it will fit the CL file size limit. If you'd like to discuss this further, I'd appreciate a photo and additional information on

Hope to hear from you,



bonnie said...

Okay, let's get on with it. You have captivated me now. Emma?
How discouraging these responses were. But I'm with your main character, I get every one of her concerns... literacy, smoking, crudeness and people who do not fit her requested description, all perfectly frustrating.

I love the picture at the top, oh so sexy. It's not the tatoo. not at all. I love the underwear, so barely there, an it's the perfect picture of lesbian sex, beautiful women. The problem is, it's never reflective of reality. If it were, well, you never know.....

Anonymous said...

This is getting so good! You deserve to be picky also...don't settle for anything less okay?
And yeah, the one who told you explicitly what she wants as far as sex, it's kinda like being sent a picture of a guys penis in the first email you receive...LOL why do people DO THAT????

Laurel said...

BRAVO!!!!!! (I am actually standing up and clapping).

I can't wait to read more.

Scarlet said...

A woman who knows what she wants and won't settle for less. I like her already.

Helen said...

I agree with Scarlet. Most things that I've gotten involved with (people, organizations, jobs) that I later regretted...well, the fact was that I KNEW right at the beginning that something was off -- but I talked myself into it anyway.

I have a pet theory that women do that more often than men; we're more concerned with whether we're being polite or caring enough, or that we might miss out and end up with nothing, and so we dismiss our own gut reaction to things only to find out later that we were right all along.

Probably an unprovable theory, but as I've gotten older I've gotten braver about going with my gut, and my life has improved immensely as a result.

Nolens Volens said...

Hmmm. :)

Kindred said...

Yes, the explicit messages, especially when accompanied by explicit photos, will take you aback even if you have a fairly decent freak flag. It's insulting that someone could read such a well written ad from you and respond in such a way.

I had a very similar experience with both Craiglist and Ashley Madison, and ended up running like hell because those folks disgusted and scared me so much. I have resigned myself to the fact that it just won't happen.

phd in yogurtry said...

" but to make a public statement of loving women? That takes courage"

undoubtedly. so many straight people have no idea how life altering such a statement can be. so yes, I can certainly see how a woman in a hetero relationship would be safer and more discreet.

Tiggerlane said...

Fantastic! And I can identify with the author's needs...she is looking for someone JUST LIKE HER.

Can't wait to see if Emma is the beginning of a love affair!

~Jobthingy~ said...

ok i have said it before but i am saying it again.. i am loving this!

itsd like waiting for my next fix now *giggles*

Slyde said...

you've captivated me too! more!

Akelamalu said...

So, you met Emma........ come on do tell!

Sabrae said...

I swear one of these days.... lol you will finish a story that I can read from start to finish... and what ever happened to mandy? Your life partner.. who is she? Man I'm going back to the begining of your blog and reading top to bottom! lol

Matt-Man said...

Instead of echoing the other comments, I will add the following...Man, that is one sexy picture. Cheers!!

Rage Angel said...

On the edge of my seat!

Craze said...

Having had ads on a couple of dating sites I completely understand the various responses you receive and delete. Emma sounds very interesting and sincere.

Bina said...

It's amazing that some people will respond, KNOWING they aren't what you are looking for. It's such a waste of time. Maybe the one girl was just jealous cause she knew that she would never be "the needle in the haystack".

dguzman said...

Totally on the edge of my seat. I just chanced on your story and this blog by accident, looking at Halloween photos. But you've hooked me. (So has Emma!)

I especially loved this: "Everyone is proud to say they have a lesbian friend – everyone is fascinated with the idea of kissing a girl and liking it – but to make a public statement of loving women? That takes courage that I just don't have right now." Wow. As an out lesbian who had a really hard time coming out, those words hit me so hard. Can't wait to read more!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful and impressive way to enjoy the sex. I have never seen such an exclusive image that you have shared with your post.