Tuesday, October 7, 2008

But It Wasn't Always This Way

When I was with my ex-the-redneck, I had no friends. None, according to her.

Everyone was her friend.

Looking back, I had a ton of friends when I met her. A group of between 10 and 20 of us would go out every weekend for dinner at our favorite gay restaurant/bar, The World's End. We would always have a table at the front. Full of beauties! Or they would come to Jean's house where I lived with my girlfriend. We'd have a deck full of women eating homemade ice cream after a softball game. Or drinking margaritas after an impromptu football game in the back yard.

As our relationship progressed, slowly she found something wrong with each of them. She didn't like this one. That one was a drunk. Eventually, because she wouldn't go with me to the outings, they stopped calling me. I can't blame them. It all happened so slowly, so insidiously, I barely noticed.

I became a shell of my former self with her. Instead of the party organizer, I became the maid and cook for her parties. I can't tell you how low I was. Many times, I would be in tears moments before we arrived at a restaurant to have dinner with her friends because of her screaming fits or her driving threats to wreck the car and kill us both. When she didn't scream because my family was in the house, she would whisper in such a threatening tone, that it still chills me to think about it.

This morning, I had a dream about her. One of the venting dreams as my therapist calls them. We were in a doorway and she had her arms around my head smothering me. I couldn't move. I couldn't scream although I tried.

It was horrifying and left me with such an ill feeling today.

Never again. Never again.

50 comments:

13messages said...

I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad that you will go through that "never again."

Also, I miss going to The World's End. Awesome music, friendly bartenders, and some very cool people always in attendance.

My best to you.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Wasn't it just the best place, 13? Great food, great atmosphere!

Akelamalu said...

Obviously she was very jealous of you and your friends and a complete control freak. You did right to get away from her. x

Knight said...

That's right, Never Again! If it makes you feel any better I could teach you a really great choke hold.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Ake: I just hate that it took me 10 years!

Knight: Oh, I'd LOVE that! ;)

g-man said...

Sorry I haven't bee commenting lately. Congrats on the ring darlin'. That was such a nice birthday present. I hope that you have a nice ceremony, (you had better take lots of pictures!)

Your nekkid party sounded great despite that no one was nekkid. :)

That is a horrible dream. I know that when I am having dreams where I am under water or cant breathe, it is because I am not breathing. I have sleep apnea. My mask makes that all better though.

Chris Wood said...

That's a sobering tale - glad you're away from that now.

Diva said...

My ex ran off all of my friends and I was isolated to him and him alone for the longest time.

I'm so glad you've found yourself and your way in life!

Monogram Queen said...

Hi I came by via Andie at Sweet Stuff. So glad you got out of such an unhealthy relationship! It's scary how s/o's can suck our true selves until we are shriveled up hulls. I'm thankful i've got a good man now but I had one like your ex in college.

Maxine Dangerous said...

Holy crap! Thank Goddess you are free and in a healthy relationship now. My best to you. :)

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

aw, I bet you're a fantastically fun friend

SkylersDad said...

Kudos to you for realizing you needed to get out. Some choose to live with the pain.

Lu' said...

Unless you are not telling all, I don't think you have to worry about that agian. You are marrying a sweetheart. I could just slap mean people upside the friggin head. I'm not mean just a bitch. There is a difference to me, I don't intentionally hurt people. I'm just tired of dealing with idiots and it shows.

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

Sometimes I think the only purpose of people like that are to teach us who we don't want to be like or what we DON'T ever want to see again!

Ashmystir said...

Well I'm glad that mess is all behind you now. On to bigger, better and happier times.

:)

Brad said...

Interesting. I wonder if she was even aware that she was isolating you? It's amazing how comfortable it can feel to be controled. All part of their 'magic' I guess. I'm glad our well away from that now.

random moments said...

Oh... dreams can be so real and life like, the can sit with you for hours before you brush that awful feeling away.

I'm always amazed at how people that controlling aren't self aware and want to be better, if not for themselves, for their loved ones.

Beth said...

awwww Hon....how horrible for you. Next time you dream about her...kick. her. ass.

The Daily Rant said...

RLL,

As you well know, I KNOW your ex - who you call the Redneck (which, I have to say has got to be the FURTHEST from the truth) and since I am a reader of your blog and a friend of yours, I have to say it disturbs me that you paint her in such a negative light.

Granted, I was not with you 24/7, I did not live with both of you and I was not an intimate observer to ALL parts of your relationship, but I do know her and I still keep in contact with her and I have to say, although your experience was yours, and you are not at all obligated to give her any credit for her positive points, I just can't stand aside and let you smear her like this.

Nikki is a FUN, loving, smart, talented, KIND person who has made me laugh from the MINUTE I met her. She still does. My BEST FRIEND (Vicki, who you also know very well) trusts her and her new partner Kim, IMPLICITY - enough to leave her children in their care overnight. Something I don't believe she's done with you and your new partner, am I right?

I've seen you disparage Nikki several times in your posts, and although this is your space with your thoughts, and you are of course allowed to write what you want, I can't be a friend and a reader who allows MY friend to be talked about in a hateful manner, one that would not ring true to the 90% of people who know her. It's been well over two years now since the two of you split - I remember it, I was there. And I remember how painful it was for you.

But if any of your readers were to meet Nikki? I'm sure they would agree with my assessment of her. But since they only "know" you, they tend to be a little sycophantic.

You may have waited 10 years to find someone who suits you better - but after seeing the love shared between Nikki and Kim earlier this year at their union/marriage ceremony - it seems that she had to wait just as long for someone who brings out the best in HER too.

I'm happy that both of you found what you've been looking for, but I can tell you one thing, and I say this with my hand over my heart (and I'd even put it on a bible if I had one), I have NEVER heard Nikki speak of you in the same manner as you speak of her.

Something has to be said about that. Unless of course, Rednecks forgive and forget more quickly.

Dana said...

Wow ... last time I checked an email was likely a better place for Daily Rant's ... well ... rant.

RLL, I don't make judgments of the people you speak "ill" of - I just know that they (she) was not the right person for you.

I'm just thrilled that you found the right person!

momyblogR said...

WOW! VERY well said Rant, I couldn't have done better myself!!

Biscuit said...

OK, my original comment before getting to the bottom of these others was: A venting dream? THAT makes some of my dreams make perfect sense, now!

Now...Dana, I second you.

Daily Rant, your implication that RLL and her partner have not been "trusted" to care for children is a low blow. And having your self-proclaimed (ok, SHE proclaimed it) BFF come running over to back you up is just laughable. Especially when she hasn't blogged in a year and a half. It's kind of playground-ish, actually.

RLL, your truth is your truth. No one knows what happens in a relationship except the people in it.

~Jobthingy~ said...

wow i think i was with a relative of hers. my ex was the most judgemental ass i have ever seen. of course for the first while it was great then slowly it began. he didnt like this one because she smokes pot, that one because his job was not good enough to him, that one because.. ready for this.. 'she is fat'

so i had to attend all events alone or not go to avoid the fight. if i convinced him to go he would have one drink and then slip into a spare room in whomevers house and sleep until i was ready to leave.. no joke.

here is to you and i for getting rid of these idiots and finding real partners :)

The Daily Rant said...

The comment about the children wasn't meant to imply that RLL is not capable, but I know for a fact that my best friend does not know her partner well enough to feel comfortable with that sort of arrangement.

As for calling this forum a playground, it seems RLL opened the gates to the playground when she called OUR friend a redneck, a stalker, and a psycho to name a few.

Since this is her personal blog, it is her right to say what she wants. A direct email was an option, but as a reader and as Nikki's friend, I felt it necessary to defend her publicly.

RLL has the option to moderate her comments if she wishes for an opposing view to not be published.

Scarlet said...

OMG, I've been there! Not with a woman but with a very controlling Spanish guy. I am more happy about your Friday post now, if that's possible, after hearing this story. You deserve the very best.

Dianne said...

sure fire sign of an abusive partner - separating you from the people you love and those who love you

I'm so happy for you that you gave love another chance, this time with the right person

I have to admit that after 3 bad relationships in a row I have pretty much given up. It just isn't in my DNA

tt said...

Sweet girl would never and will never ever do that to you....ever!!!
Like Dianne said...you got another chance and it's so right this time. it's so obvious too.

I hope the nightmares of that other bitch fade off, never to return.

You rock chica!!!!!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Its good to get it all out of your head in the way of dreams but its too bad sometimes it can feel so real and hurt so terribly. Purging your brain is good.

Tina-cious.com said...

Gawd... i'm sorry -- she sounded awful.

...and oddly similar to my ex.

Huh.

CrystalChick said...

Thanks for stopping by!

Sorry for the bad feeling your dream caused but probably good to get it out.
Seems like now you have a really loving committed partner who just adores you. The birthday gifts and presentation of your Grandmom's ring.... perfect!
Nice to meet ya. :)

Travis said...

I have some experience with nightmares like that. They are no fun. But then you wake up and remember that you got out of that situation and you are in a better place.

Thanks for stopping by my place today!

Diane J Standiford said...

10 friggin years, well in the past now, lesson learned.

Vixen said...

Having come out of an abusive, controlling marriage I can relate on so many levels to this post. And it makes me SO happy to know you are out of it and doing so much better now. Me too. :)

Dana and Biscuit summed up anything I might have had to say. Well said ladies.

xo

Passion said...

You are a beautiful inside and out. I am happy that you found love again. No one should be without love, especially you.

Craze said...

I think we all have a negative ex in our past. And that's where they should stay. I'm so glad you took a chance and found love again. And let me add that I don't know you very well let alone your ex but this is YOUR blog.. you can say whatever you want and if people don't like it then they don't need to read it.

TerriRainer said...

WOW! Lots of opinions here, but the one thing that rang true for me was this, NO ONE can truly know what a relationship was like, unless they've walked in your shoes.

My first husband was abusive, both verbally, and on occasion physically. BUT none of his friends knew, he always put on such a great show for others. Even my own friends, the few that I was ALLOWED to talk to, thought he was a great guy. NOT THE CASE!

Just know that everything that you go through in the past, makes you the person that you are today.

:) Terri

Janet said...

Funny...I was involved with a very controlling Spanish guy, too (and everyone thought I was the bitch because he presented a false front). He didn't like onions, we couldn't have onions in the house. He didn't like the way I laughed (too loudly); he didn't like that I enjoyed smelling food (very rude). I could go on and on, but really, I won't, cause I'm just happy he's no longer part of my life.

Tink said...

I'm with Beth. Next time you dream about her, kick her ass. Although ,if your dreams are anything like mine, your hands and feet will have as much impact on her as it would Jello. Hehe.

fiwa said...

Congratulations on your ring. :)
I have dreams like that about my ex too - I think it's our mind's way of making sure we remember that it was a mistake, so we're never tempted to repeat it.

Jessica said...

I'm sorry you had to go through that. :( I'm so glad you are in a better place now.

Gnightgirl said...

Whoo, hon, been there, in that relationship. Maddening, that everyone in our life thought he was the greatest guy, at the same time he was whispering, under his breath "you are such a cunt," because he thought I'd flirted with the minister after the services at church.

The rest of the world rarely knows what's going on in these relationships. His friends thought he was the bomb.

Fu Manchu Dad said...

Hear, hear, to all those above except the idiots who gave name to a previously anonymous (to us) ex, that we didn't give two shits about, except to feel sympathy for RLL about an all too ubiquitous situation these days. You gave her a name and thoroughly focused our sympathy on RLL. You gave us a bad guy (girl). So thanks for perverting our kind feelings and giving us an adversary for our anger at the generality of bad relationships and making it personal.
Thanks
FMD

phd in yogurtry said...

That isolation is such a common part of partner abuse. I'm sorry you went through it but so glad you got out of it.

Tiggerlane said...

Wow...I know what that is like...the isolation from friend, the constant finding of fault.. Sometimes the negativity is a reflection of insecurity, and sometimes it's the personality. Either way, it's not fun.

I had an ex who basically told me that he didn't understand why on earth I would want to be surrounded by my friends and have them over all the time - that HE should be all I needed. And that they robbed him of his time with me...

I sure hope your nightmares stop...

nitebyrd said...

Although it took 10 years, be happy it wasn't 15 or 20. Let your dreams release the bad feelings into the netherworld. You have so much to look forward to now, the past can stay where it is.

Anndi said...

No one outside a relationship actually knows what's going on in it. No one.

Users seem wonderful to everyone else. And successfully pull the wool over most people.

I'm just glad you've found happiness and someone who appreciates you.

Ann said...

I am so sorry you were in such a relationship, my dear. You are indeed a special person and deserved better.

As to anyone who judges what you've said, just remember that ANYONE with more than a few brain cells is well aware that unless you're IN THE RELATIONSHIP itself, nothing anyone says from the outside makes an iota of difference. That other, vocal person was NOT IN the relationship - therefore, the opinion is null and void - and everyone with a brain knows it.

CheekyMonkey said...

Fuckem all. Wait, can I say that here? Pfft, of course I can! Look at the other shit that's been slinging around!

Anyway, good for you RLL. I don't think I've ever commented on your blog, but just know, I'm a stalker. :)

What I can't seem to figure out though is why Rant would bother saying you haven't been priveledged enough to watch her BFF's kids.... when it doesn't seem to be an issue of trust, but rather an issue of her not knowing your partner...oh, so confusing when you're slingin shit!! Whatevs.

I've decided I'll hop in your dreams and kick some ass for ya. Cuz TT vouches for ya, you MUST be worth it. :)

Sunrunner said...

I came here by way of Jay - Cynical_Bastard. Congratulations! I'm really glad you're out of that relationship. It's so hard to get out of an abusive relationship, and people who haven't been in one don't realize that. Good for you!

Christie said...

Your blog is your own. And until someone walks a day in your shoes, they should keep their damn mouths (fingers) shut. If you don't feel you can be open and honest on your own blog without fear of offending someone, then what is the point. If someone has something to say that is mean or personal, take it to the email.

I've had this happen on my blog, too, and nothing pisses me off more.

I'm glad you got out. The worst type of abuse is the one people can't see.