Friday, April 25, 2008

Middle Of The Road

Recently, some friends and I were discussing my trip to Maine in August. We're flying into Providence, RI and will be driving up the coastline. The new lesbian at the table said, "You must go to Provincetown, MA if you've never been. It's the one place in the world where you feel totally open and accepted for who you are."

I've heard of P-town over and over from lesbian friends through the years, but frankly, it's never appealed to me. She went on to say that you can walk around holding hands, kiss in public, etc. It's perfectly fine to be as gay as you want to be.

Here's the problem, I already feel accepted. I've never NOT felt accepted.

I'm a lesbian. I'm WAY overweight.

Do I define myself by these things? No.

I don't try to pass as straight, nor do I fly a big rainbow flag everywhere I go. I just try to be who I am. If it comes up in conversation that I'm a lesbian, fine. If not, fine. If you have a question about my lifestyle, you're always welcome to ask. Many have. I answered.

I bring my girlfriend to family gatherings, but I don't address her as my lesbian lover. I talk about her openly and the things we do, but I don't rub your face in the fact that we sleep together.

I don't notice straight people gushing about their last romantic episode or calling each other "lover" constantly.

So why do we think we have to?

I think I will affect many more people by just being me and talking to them one on one about who I am than the flag wavers ever will. I think it turns people off to be forced to take us.

That's why I'm a Real Live Lesbian, in case you ever wondered. It's not all about the sex. I have friends and family, just like straight people. I I love to travel to faraway places. I lift heavy weights with a bunch of guys. I like to bike. I'm girly. I love concerts. Food. My rotties. I have a mortgage. A car that occasionally gets smashed in the parking lot while I'm getting my nails done and nobody tells me. I have a life, just like you.

If you're wondering if we all look like the girls in the porn flicks, we don't. Fact is, I'm probably just like someone you know. You just don't know that she sleeps with another woman.


Dana said...

I've often wondered what the societal fascination is (said generally) with who sleeps with whom. Really, it is such a minor part of our lives - fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things - yet it seems to hold such "awe".

Blissfully Wed said...

Well said.

Tai said...

VERY well said.

Anonymous said...

wow this post is a homerun.
excellent thoughts
I have always wondered why people felt compelled to flaunt their gayness,religion,race or whatever

and I also dont know why anyone cares.
u handle it perfectly if it comes up then discuss it if not then dont.

I think some folks maybe feel as though they are hiding it if they dont proclaim it

excellent post

lol@ way overweight!
I' feelin u right there for sure!!
have a good weekend

KellyKline said...

Hey lady! I feel what you're sayin'. When people find out that I'm a lesbian, they can't believe it. So many people have preconceived notions as to what a lesbian looks like, acts like, etc.

I just want to be able to be ME ... with HER. I hold her hand in Target if I want to. I call her "Baby" at Kroger. I hug her in the driveway when I get home. It's no different than the way any other couple would act.

Diva said...

We are who we are. Sexuality is only a fraction of the whole.

Jay said...

You mean your NOT trying to force your "lifestyle" on everybody else? And your NOT trying to recruit other women to your "lifestyle" like the nice man on the TV keeps saying??

Hmmmm ... ;-)

"Fact is, I'm probably just like someone you know. You just don't know that she sleeps with another woman."

You mean like my ridiculously hot 22 year old neighbor? Never even thought of such a thing. LOL ;-)

Em said...

Sounds like a really healthy attitude, and it is good to hear that you've never not felt accepted. Sex, and who we choose to sleep with is only one part of who we are.

Amber said...

This is so great. You know, I never point out to people that I am "straight", with a little bi-fun thrown in sometimes. I am me, and want to be just that. I am bitchy too, but I don't wave a flag about that (probably should give some kind of warning though lol). I am so glad that you are in your niche, and comfortable. Maybe these people who are praising the openness of this town (Key West is like that and a lot more fun) are not yet comfortable in their own choices. I don't really want to watch anyone (gay, stright, whatever) swapping spit at dinner, but I might be a little voyeuristic in the movies. There is a time and place for everything, regardless of the sexual orientation. I wish everyone could learn to like someone for just being "good people".

Leighann said...

I think this is my favorite post of the day :D

Although.... how can I convince you to reconsider what you'll shove my face in??

Seamus said...

We've long held the idea that it is far more important to embrace others as fellow travelers instead of embracing the differences. Even though we live near Austin our little burg has a very straight and conservative air about it (it's what we could afford to get the space we needed/wanted). At Christmas the girls from across the road came to visit and about 2 hours into it they asked if we knew they were a couple. Of course we knew, but they were used to folks here treating them as a curiosity rather that just being another couple in the community. Seems easier to me than to always be trying to stuff folks into some preconceived box.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Dana: Well, I am able to strike awe in others, sometimes. ;)

Bliss: Thank you!

Tai: Thanks so much!

Sage: I too think they may feel as if they're hiding...but in fact, it's hard to hide.

Kelly: I'm sure OUR neighbors get an eyeful sometimes. I'll run out and kiss her goodbye through the car window. But no one has ever said one word in 10 years.

Diva: True, true.

Jay: I never said I wasn't a recuiter.

Em: Thank you and so very true.

Amber: Please send any extra "Bitchy" flags my way! Excellent point on the good people. I'm good, bitchy but good.

Leighann: For YOU, I will reconsider. C'mere!

Seamus: You sound like a wonderful neighbor! I hate being put in a box. Cramped.

Mike said...

Fuckin right woman.

Like I say to anyone that gay bashes, bi sexual bashes, fecal japan bashes, whatever.

Here it is in a nutshell.

What happens behind closed doors between two consenting adults IS THEIR BUSINESS ONLY!

Otherwise, they are people. Like them because they are people. Hate them because they are people. In the end, it is the person who defines themselves, and nothing else.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Mike: Well said. I think that's what's so great about our blogs. We like each other for our words...and nothing more.

tt said...

Well said kiddo! You sound like my sweet babygirl. She's a take-me-as-I-am-or-leave-me-the-fuck-alone kind of girl. Horray for you.
but you know, I still don't know what all the big hub-bub is about. Seriously. it's only people and love and lust and jobs and play and...people are people..who cares who they love?

RockDog said...

"I don't rub your face in the fact that we sleep together."

Now, is this one of those things that if I asked you that you might consider doing??? LOL!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi babes...hum, I have been with my girl 15 years. I never treated her different than I would my guy boyfriends in my past.

Some people want to make a big deal of it...why? So what. I walk where I want and if we hold hands, we do. We don;t even think about it. It's not for show it's because we want the touch of each other hand. That's what people do when they love each other.

I understand that los Angeles is a tad different than the average small town...maybe that's why we don't see a difference.

I know there are some people that are homophobic and can't get past it...and I think that's so gay.
hehehe, Sorry, I just thought that saying funny.

I tagged you babes...if you want to play.

Ciao babes.

Lu' said...

Oy, I could've written such a lengthy comment. I did and erased it. Suffice to say, I saw someone who I call a very dear friend, and I don't use that term lightly, get outted at work and I'm so glad I could be there for him. He did not know that I knew or was told he was gay before I even met him. I'm like yah Bob but I don't care. It hurt to see him take that hit.

Eric said...

That is why I love your blog!!! And now I realize that you and I have a lot in common!!! Just because we are gay doesn't mean we have to wave flags and throw Skittles out the car windows when we drive by. Being in the military, I thought it would be a difficult challenge to be gay, but honestly, I just live my life like everyone else and no one ever cares. I have friends at work who know about me, I have friends out side of work who don't know about me, but none of them care!!! It seems like the dark veil of queerism is finally being lifted and we can get on with our lives. Now if we could just get rid of the skittle throwers LOL.

Kate said...


I don't think I need to say anymore.

Real Live Lesbian said...

tt: Amen!

Rockdog: I...might. ;0

Spiky: 15 years! Wow!

Lu: What a sweetheart you are!

Eric: Have you tried the pastel skittles? LOL Seriously, I hope we're finally getting there. Lots of people think no, but I definitely see a shift. But hey...I'm old.

Kate: Thankyaverahmuch!

Hammer said...

I like your approach.

coffeypot said...

Well said!

Jen said...

I think the most important thing in life is how we treat others in our lifetime. Kindness doesn't cost a thing. Neither does being good to one another. Acceptance is priceless.

I never really did understand why anyone cared who dates who or who marries who? All I care about is that they love, respect, admire, hold sincerity and cherish one another.

Isn't that what matters in the end?

Gene Bach said...

Good post! Sure be nice if we all treated each other the way we'd like to be treated and acted the way we'd like others to act around us. Never understood why folks can't accept others for who they are.

Anonymous said...

One of the best, most straight-to-the-point, and cogent posts I've read anywhere in a long time. You are not only a rockin' blogger, but one hell of a lady in my book. If I wore a hat it would be off to you. Those who wish to label you, seek to take away the power of your individual excellence by lumping you into a defining "category". Your true spirit lies in your ability to rise above the lowered expectations of "the herd" and be a true individual.

Well done Lady, well done.


buffalodickdy said...

If I minded, I wouldn't visit here or comment! You talk about other things all the time- interesting stuff! You are a person, not a label...

Micky-T said...

The only label I have on you [well there's two] is that you travel alot and want to continue to travel alot. [I'm so jealous of your trip to South America]
The other one is, your the closest blogger, [I think] two hours down the road!

P-Town is a nut house simular to Key West.

Jo said...

Wow, I really loved this post. Your perspective is so just feels good.

Fortune Cookies said...

Well said! I always get these buffoons who say things like "You don't look like a lesbian" Just what is a lesbian supposed to look like? Like you, and me, and anyone else. THAT's WHAT. Like you said, "...just like someone you know. You just don't know that she sleeps with another woman."
Great Post!

Tall Man Molly said...

I hate the people that try to 'OUT' celebrities and politicians. If those folks are not comfortable with being outed, for whatever reason, then it's their business, and THEIR decision to make...not YOURS.

On the same note I also cannot stand the politicians and preachers that speak out against Gays, but secretly are gay themselves.

To be honest with you, I don't care if you find love with a person of the same-sex or not. Does not change how I would feel about a person in a friendship. Hell, I may even ask for pointers if I become a really close friend.

Great Post R.L.L.!

Vixen said...

I love how I can resinate with you. :)

My girlfriends and I have just done our own thing. I might have introduced them as my girlfriend, but I would do the same with my boyfriend. I don't hide who I am, nor do I hide behind what I am.

But most importantly, good for you. :)

Pink Icing said...

How refreshing and welcoming

southernfemme said...

long time lurker... first time commenting.

Very well spoken. My dearest friend on earth is a lesbian. Though I'm married and have children, I hug her, kiss her on the cheek, and show her the same affection I would show anyone who is close to me. Because of my open affection for her, people sometimes think we're a couple. I admit that this makes me chuckle.. especially when they say we're the hottest lesbian couple they've ever seen! :)

Thank you for sharing your perspective and thoughts on life.

Jeff B said...

As soon as a society starts to put a label on another it's a recipe for disaster. Loving each other regardless of our differences has to be a foundation for any peaceful world. I wish more people understood that.

Akelamalu said...

I hate labels - who needs them?

Aunt Jackie said...

And I am not concerned either... I like to live and let live. If someone is a great person, nice to me, I am cool with them. If the opposite is true then I have no use for them, no matter the race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, whatever.

World should be like that, sometimes it's frustrating though because it is not.

Being "ourselves" is always a treasure... and you're a treasure anyways!

Anndi said...

I remember when my cousin finally "came out of the closet" to the family. I could never figure out why it would matter.

People are just people. Some are religious, some are not, some like plaid, most don't, some cringe when they hear nails on a chalkboard, others like to torment those who cringe first chance they get... It doesn't matter. What matters is how we treat people.

Excellent post.. we are so much more complex than a mere label.

Anonymous said...

Corky and his family have vacationed there all our lives and as far as I know, they are all straight and I hear it is an awesome place to visit.

That being said, I like your way of being...just be who you are, there is no reason to make a big deal about it. People are people.

captain corky said...

It's an amazing place. It's beautiful, the fishing is amazing, the resturants are fantastic, and the people are really cool. The one thing that's changed in all the years that we've been going there is that the fucking Yuppie scum are buying up all the property. They destroy everything they touch.

Biscuit said...

Wonderfully put. Not much else to say about that :)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

very well said.

i think it's a bad idea to make any one characteristic or proclivity your entire definition of who you are... whether it's sexual preference, being a mother, an occupation etc.

Tod said...

Hi there, what a great post. I pretty much live my life the way you describe. I hate being defined by labels too and a friend once called me the straightest gay man he had ever met. Lol!

But you should visit Provincetown, it's a great little spot.

And thanks for stopping by my blog! :)

doggybloggy said...

you need to publish this and pass it out to all the "new" gays who come to NYC to be "gay"...this was a really nice thing to vegetarians are the worst...LOL

Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks said...

I love it!! I sometimes feel a lil' guilty myself because I'm pansensual and have been married with kids-- I LOOK so damned strait most of the time.

There was that one time I grew out the fingernails on my left hand and coloured them bright pink, though... Maybe at heart I'm too genderfuck to really follow your path.

BostonPobble said...

Nicely done. And, for what it's worth, P-town *is* great ~ it's just not the be-all-end-all place in New England. And WAY TOO Crowded in summer. Of course, that and a buck fifty... ;)

Odat said...

Well said....too bad it had to be.

BarnGoddess said...

very nicely written.

I have all kinds of friends and truthfully, no one would know the difference.

Turnbaby said...

You are all kinds of cool sugar.

nitebyrd said...

Excellent. My niece and her wife think the same way. It's good.

Raven said...

You sound like my neighbors a couple houses down. A very middle of the road couple. Very sweet and love their dogs to death. We get a good laugh cause one of their dogs has the same name as one of my kids.
How they manage to live with the religious nut jobs across the street...I don't know.
My Hubby has been to P-Town...he said it wasn't anything outrageous or special. Just a very nice New England town.

C said...

I agree with everything you said. Except these days I think sex defines me because that's all I think about ha ha!

Anonymous said...

Bravo. Truthfully said. For me, defining someone by their sexual preference is like defining them by who they like their steak cooked. Makes no sense.

Putting that issue aside, tho, P-Town is an awesome place to spend a day. My wife and I have gone there often and love it. Great places to eat outside if that's your thing. Lots of history there. Lots of kewl little stores if shopping is your thing. Of course I love Cape Cod as a whole anyway so that helps.

Doc said...

From the little bit of the stuff you've written that I've had the chance to read, yeah, you sound just exactly like other women that I know. Hell, I'm just a poor white country boy from the sticks, but I don't get upset at being accused of being a redneck. It's just who I am. I don't need to go to a monster truck rally to prove it either.

I'm looking forword to reading more, and thank you very much for your open and honest insight.


Eric said...

Where are you? I am scared. Come back, I need my lesbian fix. Hope everything is going okay for you.

Jeff B said...

Just checking back in with you. haven't seen you for a while and hope everything is all right for you.

Brad said...

Right on sister of the 70's-80's !

Claudia said...

Besides being 'gay friendly' Provincetown is an absolutely gorgeous, rose-laden, artistic town with SO much more to offer than lesbian's and homosexuals. Yes, it's known for that, but that's a shame, because it's got so much more to offer. Small streets, tiny shops crammed FULL with art (made by locals), lovely bakeries spilling odors in to the quaint streets that make you fall to your knees. The nightlife is eclectic and fun and filled with a vibrant energy not often found in the big cities. People in P-Town know how to live. To feel. To dance, even when everyone is watching. I think you should go. Don't let it's 'reputation' worry you away. P-Town is filled with magic. For the gay and straight, alike.