Sunday, December 28, 2008

The Life of Luxury

My mother thinks that I don't *do* anything around the house. Despite the fact that every time she comes over, my hair's held back with a bandana and I'm sweating with either a vacuum or a mop in my hand. I think it stems from My Love always telling her what SHE'S doing....replacing the faucets in the bathroom, installing a new digital thermometer, repairing the pool pump, etc. I can't do those things, so I do the things that I'm good at. I clean. Bordering on Neat Freak. At any time, you can drop in and the house is in order.

Lately, this has been bothering me. And so, I've turned into a smart ass about it. Typical of me.


The Scene: My Love joins me and my mother for lunch at work. My Love is talking about her current project and...

I interject: Luckily, I have My Love to do everything around the house for me. I just sit around eating bon-bons all day.

My mother: What kind do you buy?

She was probably wanting to serve them at her next party.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Holiday Rerun

Since I'll be out of touch for a few days, here's a little something to make you smile. It's a rerun from last December 18th. And frankly, one of my finest memories.

Last night, I'm in bed first and my girl is wandering around naked doing before bed butch stuff. She wanders in front of me.

Me: Why don't you do a little titty dance for me? You know, shake 'em for me a little bit? Put 'em in my face.

You already know this NEVER works. Doesn't work for most men. Doesn't work for me. I have no clue why I keep asking. Probably because she always just laughs, rolls her eyes and continues on doing what she's doing...naked.

She turns the lights out. I close my eyes and wait for her to snuggle into bed.


I am BOMBARDED by boobs. They're everywhere! In my face, smacking me in the eye, whapping against my ears.

We both started laughing and that's the last thing I remember before drifting off to sleep. Boobs and laughter.

What a great night! I'm still smiling!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas, Ya'll!

Here's wishing you all the merriest of Christmases! May your heart be filled with peace and love today and throughout the new year!

Monday, December 22, 2008

The Plagues

Item #3,399 that realtors do not tell you when you're buying a log cabin is that the local insect population think you live inside a tree and that tree is not really yours.

When the weather started cooling off, insects started coming into our log cabin. Not a problem. I don't like a fly in the house, but happens.

Except when you live in a tree, it's not just one. It's forty-eleven (that's Southern for a damn lot.) At one point, I vacuumed up an entire Dyson full of black flies. The upstairs window sills were stacked with dead fly corpses.

Then came the red wasps. Not as many in number as the black flies, but certainly more wicked. Walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night took on an entirely new thrill level.

Now, it's ladybugs. At first, they were cute with their little, red beetle bodies. Harmless. They look for a warm place to hibernate and well, so do we. I wouldn't mind them so much if they weren't so damn vile. How can something so tiny stink so badly? After 30 seconds of Googling, I found out that they excrete stinky blood from their legs to ward off predators.

If I wake up tomorrow with a floor full of frogs...I'm moving in with YOU!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Oh, God!

It's rare....but occasionally I get questioned by the godly. Last week, I received this email:

Just surfing around and thru a blog i got to your blog. Hoping to read to read some funny stuff. Well the first line i saw was you are a Christian lesbian. Though i’v heard a lot in the news about gay priests, but i think its odd. Well people can choose to be whatever they want to be, thats the freedom of choice God gave, but the scriptures said we shall be accountable for our actions.

Just to cut the story short and i really don’t mean to offend you, but how can one be a lesbian and also a chistian.

Take care ma’am.

N.B: just a little about me too, am 27 male, West African, a civil engineering graduate and a bible student. Am friendly and hate when people base their opinions about others on first impressions and i love making friends.


I was busy, so he didn't get the entire diatribe that I would spew if it were say, April and I had nothing to do but respond. So I quickly jotted:

I don't think being a lesbian prevents me from being a Christian any more than your sins prevent you from being a Christian. In the Bible teachings that I grew up with, a sin was a sin. God didn't discriminate or consider one to be worse than another.

As far as loving another person of the same gender, I believe that any love that I feel has to be better than any hate that anyone condemning me might feel. Did that make sense?

Also, if it was of such major importance, why did God forget to put it in the Ten Commandments?


I really expected him to write back. He seemed nice enough and frankly, I'd kinda like to educate the guy on why I don't think I'll have a front row seat in Hell (is Hell capitalized? it's a place, right?) But he didn't respond.

I'm left with wondering what he thought....

so I'll ask you. What would you have responded back to me if you were in his shoes? Or if you're on my side of the equation, in my shoes?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Bad Angles and Itches

Me: Damn've got some serious stubble going on!

Her swiping the back of my leg again: See, it's not THAT bad.

Me: Hey, run that leg all the way up my back. It's itching!

She swipes her leg up and down my back.

Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhh

It was over just. that. fast.

I'm thinking of installing a camera at the end of the bed, because I totally missed that shot!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Dirty Little Girl

When I saw the images of Bettie Page today in stories of her passing, it brought back a memory. My mother was always a snooper, so I come by it quite honestly. While looking for something else, I found a shoe box in the guest bedroom. I was around 12 years old. The perfect age for curiosity to get the best of me.

Inside were postcards, pictures and tiny little calendars with girls on them. Pictures very similar to the one above. Some naked. Some scantily clad. All of them were gorgeous. Nothing like I'd seen before.

I would sneak down that box and look whenever I was left alone in the house. My mother had kept the calendar because it was full of dates that she had been on when she was single.

What a feast for the eyes. Rest in peace, Bettie.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Are You Feelin' Lucky?

I wrote all of your names down and placed them in a pile for Trace and let her randomly choose the names. Yes, I know...Trace is VERY talented. Someday, she'll have to show you all of her tricks.

But for today, just in case you can't see the video...the winners of my second Pay It Forward are:

Adamity Bomb Bomb from Louie Pit Bull (and Ollie Beagle)
Vodka Mom from I Need A Martini Mom
Brad from Kuboto Farm

Be prepared to receive something fun and exciting! First, I'll need your snail mail addresses.

Congrats to the winners!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Who Wants My Box?

Scarlet, over at As Good As It Gets played the Pay It Forward game and I was one of her lucky winners! I love reading Scarlet's blog. She's always having margaritas with a hottie, chatting with her dad about Cuba, or sketching some nekkid man. If I lived anywhere close, I'd be sketching nekkid with her!

Friday, I walked out the side door and there sat a box. But I hadn't ordered anything. When I looked, it was from way down in Miami! It was SCARLET'S BOX!!!!!

Inside was a card and three little wrapped packages.

#1~ A sweet Christmas card!

#2~ Freakin' Hilarious Cocktail napkins. YAY!

#3~ Wine stoppers. Scarlet, are you peeking into my windows at night? I'm always trying to force the cork back in and then turning it upside down. Pushing harder. Sqeeeeezing.

#4~ Margarita popsicle makers! Now, you're reading my mind. I've looked all over for popsicle molds. We have a little Mexican Paletta shop in town that has the BEST popsicles. I've been dying to try my hand at popsicle making!

I played last year and it was SO much fun! Now, it's my turn to Pay It Forward. This is how it works:

According to the rules, “the exchange focuses on doing an act of kindness without expecting anything in return other than that the recipient will, in his/her turn, pass the kindness along and pay it forward in his/her own way. I agree to send something fun, inspiring or uplifting to three random commenters. In turn, those three will post this information and pick 3 people they want to send something to and so on."

There you go. Easy game. You comment. I pick. You get stuff. You post. You pick. You send stuff. And So on.

Comment dammit! I'll give you all until Friday and then Trace will choose the three winners!

P.S. If you don't wanna play, just say so in your comment.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Rules Were Made To Be Broken

My buddy Jormengrund (dude, where'd you come up with that name?) tagged me. I hate being tagged. It's so much pressure. And frankly, they're hard. Seven weird things about me? SEVEN? Seriously, I'm just not that weird.

But since Jor is amusing the hell out of me lately, I'm going to play along. But I won't tag you. Fair enough?

So, here you go. Every little weird thing you ever wanted to know about me...

1. If you tell me to do something, it goes to the bottom of my list if you want me to do it or the top if you don't. I despise to be told what to do. I'm a libra. You must entice me. Manipulate me. Trick me, even. But don't ever TELL me. This is precisely why I never planted my pansies this Fall. Both my girl and my mother kept telling me that it was time. My girl finally planted them last week. See! I might be a tad stubborn as well.

2. I do everything in the exact same order in the shower. If I wash my hair before I brush my teeth, the entire day is off. I feel like my teeth are dirty and my hair's too clean!

3. I sing (aka howl) "Over There"

O-ver there, o-ver there, send the word, send the word, o-ver there,
That the Yanks are com-ing, the Yanks are com-ing,

The drums rum-tum-ming ev'-ry where

with Isaac, the white dog, first thing in the morning as I'm peeing. He comes in and stares at me until I start howling. Okay, maybe that's a *tad* weird. No words, just howling to the tune. Then, Trace will join in and I'll quit howling to enjoy them howling. That would be a damn funny vlog, wouldn't it?

4. I made out with my best friend at a party right after we met and before I met my girl. It might not seem weird to you, but it does to me. You know how you end up being friends with someone that you were totally hot for and then, it seems strange that you ever felt that way?

5. I think James Spader is a fox and I would totally do him. Until he was in the bedroom all naked with whiskers and a tally-wacker and then I'd probably just wanna talk.

6. I took piano lessons for seven years during my childhood. When I was old enough to say no to the lessons, I never once touched a piano again. I hate performing. Oh, I think this may just be #1 all over again!

7. My thumbs are put on backwards. Maybe some day I'll show you.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Dammit, Claire

Perhaps you remember my story about Claire, the girl with whom I work out. Or used to, before we moved into the new house. I've been a slacker for the last six weeks.

I checked out her latest pics today, and saw that up there. Man, look at that muscle definition. I *know* that's what you're looking at. I'm so amazed at her progress. Now, don't get me wrong, she was in really great shape to begin with. Thin and toned, but not like THAT.

I miss working out for six weeks and she does THAT? Without any help from photoshop, she looks stunning!

Just one more reason why I've decided to fit the powerlifting workout back in to my schedule.

To LOOK like Claire! Or to look AT Claire.

You decide.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Asparagus, You Little Stinker!

Saturday night, we were invited to a birthday dinner. We arrived to Red Pepper Hummus with Pita Chips, Shrimp with Chimichurri, and a hot Spinach Dip. Dinner promised to be an incredible spread.

The hostess poured us Grey Goose L'Orange Vodka with Fresca. I became tipsier and tipsier as we inched closer to dinner. I knew that the evening would lead to a tangled, mess of sheets.

With a linen napkin in my lap, I was passed the Pork Tenderloin, Herb Roasted Potatoes and oh no...not that.


I was sitting right next to the hostess. I couldn't get out of eating it. I knew as I took the first bite, the evening's ending of hot, girl sex had just bitten the dust.

When we arrived home, she reached around me, kissing my neck from behind.



"Babe, we both had asparagus. You know it's coming. That smell!"


"So nothing's happening."

"I don't mind."

"I don't care."

And right then and there, two perfectly willing lesbians went to sleep.

Thank goodness the Right Wing, Anti-Gay movement doesn't know about the crippling effects of asparagus!

Friday, November 28, 2008

If You Have An Extra Prayer

This morning, as I watched the news detailing the events of Mumbai, I saw a photo of the woman that I'd eaten dinner next to during the Cucina Schoolhouse Pasta Class. Then a video of her husband, Santos, the one that had helped me kneading the pasta dough, going to the airport to be with his injured wife.

I can't imagine his grief.

I'm sure the love that they have for each other will get them through this. But until she is in his arms, he will worry. It was obvious that he loved her with all of his being.

If you have an extra prayer, or positive thought, please send one up for them.

2 Nashvillians Hurt In Mumbai Attacks

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

I won!!!! Scarlet over at As Good As It Gets is playing the Pay It Forward Game and I WON!!! Can you tell that I'm excited? You know what that means? I'll be paying it forward very soon! I'll be sure to show you what she packs up. Go say hi to her and see her pretty face because she vlogged! I love it when ya'll vlog. Love it.

Here's hoping everyone has a day filled with family, friends and blessings!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Having A Cooter Is Great....

Last night, I had the *strangest* dream. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror with my right leg up on the counter...and I had BALLS! They just dangled back there. The odd thing is that I wasn't shocked by them. I just thought they were a tad long. Always the critic about my own body.

That dream started me thinking....I'm so glad I finally grew some balls. In the past, I've let people run over me in an effort to be "nice." Now, I quit talking to the assholes that try to run over me. If you screw me over or use me, I refuse hang out with you. If you pull the mean girl crap, I'll cut you loose.

I don't stress about culling the asshats out of my life. I did at first. But now, I'm glad they're gone.

I'm glad I have a cooter, but honestly, I'm so glad I finally have some balls!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I'd Like An Extra Set Myself

What's on YOUR Christmas list?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I Rescued A Human Today

Trace relaxing on the bow of the boat last Summer.

Many of you know that I have two fur-babies, Isaac and Trace. I cannot tell you the immeasurable joy that they bring me. They make me smile and laugh every day. If you need a little love in your life, visit your local shelter. Perhaps, you need rescuing?

by Janine Allen

Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels. I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.

I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid. As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage. I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today. Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.

As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past. I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someones life.

She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me. I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her.
Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate
for companionship. A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well.

Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms. I would promise to keep her safe. I would promise to always be by her side. I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.

I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor.
So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors. So many more to be saved. At least I could save one.

I rescued a human today.

Trace and Isaac kissing. AGAIN.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

You've Been Had

Talking about one of her exes, my girl says, "Why is it that you always think that he wants to sleep with me?"

"Because that's the way men are."

Or at least that's what I've been told by my men friends. After one of my relationships (how's that for vague? I've had 7 long term ones), my ex was loitering about ALL the damn time. I couldn't seem to get rid of her. When I brought it up to the guys at the gym, they said that she's just like a guy.

"What does that mean?" Honestly, it's been a long time since I've had any guy experience. Twenty seven years to be exact.

They explained:
Once a guy has well, "had" you, they think they can always have you. It's like you've been marked by them. They figure since they've done it once, they can find their way back in. By hanging around. By just being at the right place at the right time. By being convenient.

Trust me, I know women can be this way, too.

And so, I'm wondering what you think?

Guys, is it true?

Girls, what's your experience?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I Don't Own A Good Knife, Do You?

When Joy Ramirez of Joy of Cooking and Claudia Young from cook, eat, FRET sent me an email detailing their first Cucina Cooking Schoolhouse, I immediately signed up. Dinner with a fabulous menu and wine for $60? Plus, I'll learn how to make homemade pasta with decadent sauces? It was a no brainer.

The last email detailed the address and said to bring your favorite knife and your apron.

Uh oh.

I don't own an apron. And my knives. I am so ashamed of my knives. I don't even know if I can say it...

They're those (hangs head) orange handled Rachel Ray ones. Those are my "good knives."

I headed out into the rainy dark night to Brentwood, clear on the other side of town, without an apron or a knife. How deep is my knife shame?

Pretending to be knifeless and apronless, I borrowed what I needed and decked myself out in a little, red candy stripe apron. I am ready to get Italian.

We learned about Italian OO flour, how to make a well, how to mix (Claudia's a two finger girl, while Joy uses a fork), and how (LONG) to knead. I triple suck at kneading. It's damn hard. Friends (aka suckers!) will be invited over to help with kneading, when I make my first batch. Ten minutes of hard, arm cardio is what kneading is. And frankly, I can't hang.

After about an hour of pasta making, Claudia returns from outside with freshly grilled bruschetta. We pour olive oil on and devour!

We start rolling the dough through the machines making long, flat pallettes that will either become the tortellini or the fettucine. The tortellini are stuffed with a sweet potato mix that would rock your world. Full of fresh parmesean, prosciutto and grated nutmeg. We stuff and fold our squares, hold between fingers and flip the pointy edge down, making pretty, little tortellini. The huge garlic cloves are sauteed in olive oil until sweet. The kitchen aroma is intoxicating!

At the end of the evening, we have made...

Sweet Potato Stuffed Tortellini with Butter and Sage
Bucatini all'Amatriciana
Fettuccine with Oyster Mushrooms, Sweet Garlic and Arugula

We al sit around a huge table full of pastas and interesting characters. Chris cures his own meats and has a phenomenal knife collection (he let me hold them sensing the fact that I was knife stupid), the Italian Stallion that is a master at kneading, his wife, the beautiful Shaman that is on her way to India. Everyone was so interesting and social. It was like hanging out and cooking with old friends. What a lovely evening!

Next month, they are hosting a Cookie Class complete with biscotti. I don't know if I can convince my girl that I need to learn how to bake cookies, but you can bet I'm going to try!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Brunch, Bloody Marys and Football

Above, you'll see the pile of wood that is severely diminished after yesterday's brunch. Last week, I decided to invite some friends over for Brunch, Bloody Marys and Titans Football. It always starts out as just a few people and ends up a crowd because I forget to count us. I'm simple that way.

Yesterday, I hosted a sit-down brunch for nine of my favorite women.

The menu:
Spinach & Shallot Quiche with Tarragon and Thyme
Smoked Ham and Broccoli Quiche
Eggs Benedict with Homemade Hollandaise Sauce (aka What The Hell Was I Thinking)
Double Blueberry Mini Muffins with Tangerine Glaze
Cinnamon Flop (my love made this with her great grandmother's recipe)
Thick Smoked Bacon
Herb Roasted Red Potatoes
Fruit Salad

I was up at 5:30am cooking and made everything, except for the blueberry muffins. A girl's gotta get some help when she can. I used the box, but I did make the Tangerine Glaze.

Since we were all in such a deep food coma, we totally forgot to take any pictures. Just imagine a bunch of stuffed lesbians sitting around in front of a roaring fire watching the Titans game.

We ended the day with Hot Oatmeal Craisin Cookies for dinner, because my best friend had a craving. I love my friends and I love feeding them. And yesterday, I loved football for a little while, too! How could I not? We're 10-0!!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack,

Just in case you need to catch up:
Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 1
Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 2
Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 3
Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 4
Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 5
Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 6
Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 7

It has now been two days since she sent that email. I am contemplating my response – should it be tender and understanding, or should I share with her how I see the replay of this childhood memory playing out as an adult? We will be meeting, for the first time in three days, and already I know that I want to kiss her.

The day before the "date" I start to doubt myself. Was this a smart thing to do? Was I taking enough safety precautions? Was Emma really who I thought she was or was I jeopardizing my own family's safety out of selfishness? Hell, for all I knew she wouldn't even show! I decide to send one last email.

Good Morning Emma!

I apologize for my "invisibility" this week - it's been another hectic one with work and family obligations - but I thought I should probably fire off a quick email to confirm lunch tomorrow.

I'm been thinking that noon might actually work a bit better for me. If that still works for you, let's plan on meeting at noon tomorrow in the Nordstrom's shoe department at Franklin Mills, near the women's athletic shoe section.

I do appreciate you sharing your "sleepover" story with me. Funny how something so innocent, so early in our lives, can make such a vivid and lasting impact on us, isn't it?

Again, let me say that I am truly looking forward to tomorrow. At the very least, I feel confident that we will share great conversation, and that is always a wonderful place to start in any new friendship!


Her response was immediate and to the point.

That will be perfect, LouAnne. See you then!


I went to bed Friday night, my mind heavy in anticipation. I had far more questions than answers though, which was becoming quite common in the quest. Sleep was fleeting – dreams were vivid – and I finally allowed myself to get out of bed at 7:00.

My Saturday routine was nothing out of the ordinary. Up relatively early. Coffee and computer time. Long, hot bubble bath. I knew I'd need to leave the house around 10:30 to insure a noon arrival time. The story was in place (I was meeting a co-worker for lunch at this great seafood restaurant she told me about), my home responsibilities were taken care of and it was time to leave.

As I headed out, I really started questioning what I was doing and why I was doing it. Questions surrounding the impact on my family, should they find out, were the most troubling. The trip seemed to take no time at all and I found myself sitting in the parking lot a full 30 minutes early.

I didn't want to appear too anxious, so decided to sit in my car for a bit. I checked my email from my cell phone, looked at my teeth 17.2 times to insure there wasn't any food stuck between them, and headed into Nordstrom's at about 11:50.

I found my way to the shoe department and realized I had only seen a partial view of Emma's face. The photo she sent early on had a large, black rectangle covering the majority of her face. I sent a full body/head shot to her, so I was hoping she would recognize me. As I wandered aimlessly through the shoe department, looking for someone that might be her, I realized I might well have been stood up.

I caught a glimpse of a women who I thought might be her, but she was clearly shoe shopping, calling over a sales person to help her with sizing, at precisely our scheduled meeting time. I knew I would never make a relative stranger wait on me, so assumed that wasn't her. I was wrong – it was her – and it wouldn't be the last time she surprised me.

About 10 minutes after I first saw Emma (not knowing it was her) and about the time I was ready to head out the door and back to my car in embarrassment, Emma walked up to me and asked, "LouAnne?" My first impression was a good one. She was tall, fit and wore glasses. She had that geeky sexy look about her. We exchanged some small talk and headed towards the exit to the mall.

We found a nice, quiet Italian restaurant for lunch and were seated quite quickly. There was a bit of uneasiness in the conversation, not due to anything specific, but more likely because we both knew we were contemplating something a bit naughty – a bit taboo.

We ordered. Emma chose the crab cake appetizer and I ordered the lemon herbed salmon. We both ordered a glass of good Merlot. As we waited on our lunch, the real conversation began.

Emma had all sorts of questions for me. At times it felt more like a job interview than lunch with a prospective intimate friend. Why was I looking for female contact? What was lacking in my marriage that I felt the need to explore other opportunities? And my favorite, after she grilled me on my past female relationships, was I sure I wasn't a lesbian? Well, no – I'm not – that would be why I am exploring relationships with women!

Emma also shared with me her history in finding a suitable female play toy (it was becoming clear that Emma and I were looking for very different things). She told me stories of the many exchanges she had since placing her first ad six months prior. Some of her stories were comical – like the man who pretended to be a woman up and until they met in a hotel lobby – but most were clearly shared so that I would know how desirable she was.

As we ate our meals, and finished up our wine, Emma asked if it would bother me if she were to see many women and meet up with me when she was in town. My response was wishy-washy – no, I don't think that would be a problem, but would she be bothered knowing she was the only woman I was seeing? She claimed that wasn't a problem.

The waitress brought our bill and Emma, in quite a business-like manner said, "Shall we get out our credit cards and pay the bill?" Honestly, I was offended. Did she really think I would expect her to pay for my lunch? Did she believe I didn't know any better or that it was time to pay? As the waitress picked up the bill and our credit cards, Emma has one last question for me – did I have any more questions for her? Yes, it felt very much like a job interview.

We headed back to Nordstrom's after lunch. As I neared the door to the parking garage, Emma mentioned she was headed out to do a bit more shopping. I told her I needed to head back home – that my alibi was only for a few hours. We hugged, said goodbye and went our separate ways.
As I got into my car, I knew there was no chance of this being the intimate friendship I had wanted to find. The person I spent my lunch with was nothing more than my husband in a female body. Emma wanted no emotional ties to any woman. That crossed her personal boundaries as to what constituted an affair in her marriage. I wanted an emotional connection with a woman far more than a physical connection. We were looking for very different relationships.

Emma sent an email the following day.

Hi, LouAnne -- Just a quick note to say it was a pleasure meeting you yesterday. I admire the choices you've made in your life -- the decision to have your son, to go back to school, to take a local job so you can be there for the kids ... I think you deserve to find the special friendship you're looking for. It's probably not me, given the distance factor, but I'm certainly game to take the next step during the holiday season if you haven't found someone who feels more right for you by then.

In the meantime, wanted to forward the e-mail address of the woman I mentioned during lunch. You'll find her address, along with our conversations, below. As you'll see, she makes a very nice first impression. I am going to send her a note right now, telling her that it's possible she'll hear from you. Of course, there's no need to follow through on this if you'd rather not.
Again, I enjoyed our visit.

Hope you have a wonderful week, Emma

Did she really think distance was the only deterrent to our developing a "special friendship" or was she just giving me the opportunity to bow out gracefully? Did she find it appropriate to attempt to "pawn" me off on another woman that she didn't want? It really didn't matter. It was clear I was not going to get from her what I really wanted. I sent a response.

Hi Emma!

I too, enjoyed lunch. As predicted, the conversation was great!

I do think we are looking for different types of relationships - specifically I know that the emotional connection is quite important to me, and somewhat secondary to you. I respect that you are clear in what you are looking for and were honest with me regarding your desire meet primarily your physical needs as your emotional needs are being met in your marriage.

I think it's best that we both continue our search to find the specific type of relationship that will fulfill the void we are hoping to fill.

Thanks for giving this a shot and good luck in your search!


That was it. It was done.

Being the person that I am, I had to analyze the entire situation. Did I miss something in an email? Was I not entirely clear in what I was looking for? How did something that sounded so right turn out so wrong? I've re-read everything, including this story, and I can find only two faults. First, I was caught up in the moment. I wanted this to be the relationship I hoped it would be, probably more than I should, and second, I just didn't ask the right questions in the email correspondence. I felt I had expressed my wants, my desires, very well and made the assumption that it was clear what I was looking for. That wasn't the case.

Would I do it again? Probably not. The reality of what a forum such as Craig's List has to offer was disappointing. That type of environment seems far better suited to someone looking for a physical, no strings attached encounter. Additionally, the weight of the potential risk to my family was heavy on my heart.

That being said, the reality that a relationship with a woman is an important part of me – that it is part of my life that I miss and want – gave me the courage to discuss my desire to be with a woman with my husband. Even more surprising? He seemed quite receptive to the idea, even when I explained that this would be a relationship that was exclusively mine, not something I wanted to share physically with him.

Although I didn't find my needle in a haystack, I found my voice. This might be the end of this particular chapter of the story, but clearly the story continues on.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Does This Snow Make My Ass Look Big?

We're headed up to Michigan for Christmas to hang out with the inlaws. My girl just told me that she wants to go skiing. Cool! I've never been skiing!

And then I realize...she was on the Ski Team in High School. I took piano lessons.

I'm sure you can imagine the disparity in our athletic prowess. I was managing to not fall off of my piano stool, while she whizzed down the black runs.

She's tall, thin and athletic. Always has been. I'm short, wide and clumsy.

Perhaps I should just look cute while drinking Hot Cocoas in the Lodge?

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Hot Lesbian Action

What they didn't tell me about the huge stone fireplace in the log cabin was that it would require massive amounts of wood. The first load that we came upon was a returned favor from a guy at the boat dock that we let use our slip. He had some wood that he wasn't using and said that we could have it.

Honestly, I didn't appreciate it. I had no idea. I grew up with gas logs in the fireplace. You turned the knob and it warmed right up.

In a real log fireplace, not so easy.

We've been burning the free wood when I was a tad chilled on Saturday mornings or when it was cool and we had company over. Yeah, I'm a dumbass.

Now, we're almost out of the free wood. I noticed a sign that said FREE FIREWOOD on the way home from work last week. Free REALLY fits into our budget. I told my girl about it and today we headed out for the log gathering. It's cold here, around 50ish today, but not when you're chopping and carrying wood. It'll warm you right up. We were two hot lesbians, today.

Trust me, it sounds a lot more romantic and Little House on the Prairie-ish than it really is.

Step 1: Know your hardwoods. (insert lesbian joke here)
Step 2: Have a girlfriend with a chainsaw. Done.
Step 3: Spend all afternoon physically working your ass off carrying the logs that she saws back to the truck without killing yourself by stumbling over all of the limbs that are on the ground trying to trip you.

I'm so exhausted at 7:23pm that my arms are shaking as I'm typing. I think I'll head to bed and pray that I can move tomorrow.

I'll let you know if these cracklin', real wood fires start any flames on the couch! But first, we'll both have to recover.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I Had A Dream

We were hanging out in someone's living room. Drinking. Having a great time. We were all in our 20s, young and playful.

Somehow, he flipped me, pinning me down with his knees on either side of my shoulders.

Laughing, he says, "You're a lesbian?"

"You know I am."

"That's a shame."

Then I woke up. The one time that I could have had a romp in the hay with Paul Newman and I'm a lesbian. Geez, even *I* would give it up for him!

I tried desperately to get that dream back. Nada.

Who would you switch teams for?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

I Wish You Could Have Been There!

*Click for a larger image.

Because Angie aka No More Empty Fortune Cookies and I had a fabulous Saturday. And I didn't even have to kidnap her!

My love was amazed at my lack of self preservation, as was hers. Without knowing each other, we planned to spend the day together ridding ourselves of negativity and releasing it into the Universe at Cindy Wunsch's Take Flight Workshop. I suppose it's hard for non-bloggers to understand that we know each other. That's okay. Fortunately, neither of us really asked for permission to hang out with a would-be ax murderer.

You can see my release above. Full of swallows taking off and leaving behind red poppies. It wasn't until I put some blood on the main swallow's wings that I felt like it was finished. It has all kinds of paper crumples underneath to give it depth. Drippings of soy wax. Cut outs of birds and circles. Drizzles of paint. Stamps of words that mean so much to me. I have always had trouble flying.

Angie created the most stunning mermatron! You'll have to head on over to her blog to read all about it. She details her creation much better than I ever could. Trust me. It is FANTASTIC! I wish you could see the colors in the sunlight!

What a lovely day we had! I am so grateful.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 7

It was time to check in with Emma. As much apprehension as I have – most of it stemming from my own excitement yet uncertainty – I've decided to move forward with the meeting. It's just lunch, right? I sit down and compose a welcome back email.

Hi Emma!

Hope you had a safe and enjoyable trip to Vegas and aren't too "weather shocked." Seems winter came in with a vengeance today!

I suppose this is as good a time as any to address your question regarding meeting others' expectations ...

Well, it's been kind of a cornerstone of my life. I'm an only child and the expectations (behavior, grades, etc.) were high. I always had a goal to meet, but it was usually set by someone else. That continued on through most of my life. Now mind you, I haven't always done things in the order they were expected (as was the case with finishing my degree late in life), but I've met the expectations of family none-the-less.

Specifically in regards to my attraction to women, the expectation from my family was that I would meet a nice man, get married, and provide a grandchild. Because I do have an attraction to men too, I just kind of shoved that other side of me in to the deep crevices of my being. I could be - should be - just as happy with a man. A traditional, heterosexual relationship.

As life went on, it became more and more clear that I was denying an integral part of my being. I came to a place where I realized that I could love more than one person simultaneously for the different qualities they had. I also admitted to myself that I really don't have a gender filter when it comes to attraction to people. The attraction lies in the qualities of the person, not in the gender of the person. That said, I believe there are some basic personality differences in men and women (generally) and that they offer different satisfactions of my needs/desires.

Now, I've built this little life of expectations - the husband, the career, the home, the kids. I fulfilled the expectations of others, but ignored (for the most part) my desires. Yes, some of the expectations of others were also mine, but there has been this chunk of life that I've set aside and I'm just not willing to do that any longer.

The trick is in being true to myself while protecting the interests of those I love. I don't want anyone hurt in this process - the goal is not to create drama, but rather to explore my needs/desires in a manner that is still respectful to them and to me.

Are you lost yet? It's not an easy thing for me to explain even though it feels quite concrete.

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts ...


Wow! If that wasn't a page full of thoughts, I don't know what is. This was the first time I had really put all of this down in writing. Before, it was nothing more than a swirling of thoughts through my brain – always in motion, but never quite settled. Writing it down, and sharing it with Emma, made it far more real.

Again I had to wonder if maybe I'd said too much – or not enough. But this time, I didn't check my email every 5 minutes. I made the decision that being honest was going to be a critical part of this intimate friendship.

Within a few hours, Emma responded:

Great to hear from you, LouAnne -- I just re-read all our correspondence and, I must say, it's been an interesting exchange to date.

We had a wonderful, relaxing time in Las Vegas. Didn't end up doing all that much gambling, but we had a lot of fun doing endless walking, people-watching, dining and, at times, going our separate ways -- David to the sports book to wager on horse races and football games and me to the shopping mall and the pool, where I did a lot of reading. The weather was perfect -- in the low 80s. All in all, it was a great trip.

I found your latest e-mail very interesting. It sounds as though you are a true bi-sexual...perhaps more so than most of the women who post in the W4W section. The idea of not having a gender filter is fascinating. I wonder if that is true for me as well. I think, for multiple reasons, that I prefer to have a man (the right man) for my life partner. But for a sex partner, as I said before, I lean toward women. Actually, my dream scenario would be to have my primary sex partner be a woman, with an anonymous man showing up at the 11th hour to help finish me off (with the aforementioned marvelous creation) under her direction. And you're the first person I ever admitted THAT to!!!

Not sure how I came by my interest in women. Of course, it may just be genetic. Or it could have something to do with the fact that the most thrilling sexual experience of my formative years was with a neighbor girl during a sleepover. It involved nothing more than giving each other light chest rubs...and we didn't even touch each other's nipples. We took turns lightly tracing spirals that grew tighter and tighter around each breast, drawing ever closer to the nipple. I remember lying there, in exquisite agony, wishing desperately that she'd drag a finger across my nipple. She was probably wishing the same. It didn't happen, but the sexual tension left an indelible impression on my adolescent psyche. Perhaps as a result, I have always had a particular attraction to breasts.

Well, now you know things that none of my family or friends know. Isn't cyberspace correspondence amazing in that regard?

I'm looking forward to what I expect will be a wonderful visit on Saturday. I'll be looking for you at 1 pm. Saturday in the Nordstrom's shoe department at Franklin Mills, near the women's athletic shoe section. Actually, I did a ton of shopping in Vegas, so I don't feel as though I need as much time for it at Franklin Mills as I'd originally thought I would. So if you'd prefer to meet at noon or 12:30 instead, just let me know. Or later than 1 for that matter. Whatever is convenient for you is fine with me.

See you soon,


I think I read her email seventeen times before I could stop for a moment and breathe. I could so easily put myself in the position of laying naked next to her, giving her light a light chest rub, tracing those very spirals that grew tighter and tighter around each breast, drawing ever closer to her nipple. However, in my fantasy, her nipple would not be forgotten. Not only would I touch it, but I would lick all around it, and embrace it with my warm, tender lips. And that would just be the beginning.

It has now been two days since she sent that email. I am contemplating my response – should it be tender and understanding, or should I share with her how I see the replay of this childhood memory playing out as an adult? We will be meeting, for the first time in three days, and already I know that I want to kiss her.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Hey Ya'll...It's ME!

I'm recovering from a little cloud in my chest. That's what they saw on the X-Ray yesterday. A little upper respiratory infection that makes me sound all sexy, like Brenda Vacarro!

Fortunately, I'm on some good meds and am on the mend for my date with Fortune Cookies this Saturday! I'm so excited to meet my local blogging buddy!

I'm picking her up at 10am and she's going to have some fantastic coffee ready for me. Then we'll head to a "Take Flight" art workshop where we'll be using mixed media to either get rid of something that we want to send out into the Universe or bring something closer. Should be lots of fun!


Now, about my guest blogger....

How're you liking the blossoming lesbian story? It's fixin' to get really good! I've already read the next installment, but you know how I like to keep you all on the edges of your seats. You'll just have to wait a little bit to find out what happens next.

I'm wondering what you think about it though.

Is it cheating if your husband said...20 years ago...that he wouldn't mind if you did something like this? Should she tell him what she's doing? Why do you think she's keeping it a secret?

Would you be okay with it if your wife decided to have a girlfriend?

What do you think the pitfalls of this could be?

Could you/would you entertain the thoughts of a little girl on girl action on the side? Would your husband mind? Would you tell him?

Remember, this is really happening. LuAnne is meeting Emma THIS Saturday!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 6

I told Emma that I would call her that afternoon between 1:30 and 2:00. At 1:35, I headed to the lobby of our building at work and at 1:37 I dialed her number. It rang three times …

Emma: Hello?

Me: Is this Emma?

Emma: This must be LouAnne!

Whew! She knew it was me and I actually managed to sound (I think) somewhat casual in the conversation, but this is also where my greatest concern was. Would there be dead space now that introductions had been made?

Fortunately, Emma – once again – took the lead. There was, however, one awkward moment – a moment where it became clear that I was not the first woman with whom she had had phone contact. About a minute into the call, Emma asked, "So it was you who responded to my ad, wasn't it?"

Well shit! Either she's playing this game so hard she's got several pots in the fire, or I've not made very much of an impression on her. This was not where I wanted this conversation to go.

I gently reminded her that no, she answered my ad – the needle in the haystack, remember? She was extremely apologetic, but honest as well (a quality I appreciate). She let me know that yes, she had talked to a few women recently – there had been somewhat of a resurgent interest in an ad she place on Craig's List sometime back, and then she repeated several facts about me – specifically – that put me somewhat at ease. We agreed that yes, a meeting at Franklin Mills was the next logical step.

All-in-all, the call went fairly well, and with the exception of that one, uncomfortable moment, seemed promising. Feeling like I had just interviewed for a job, I thought it was appropriate to send a "Thank you for your time" email. I wrote:

Hi Emma!

Just a quick note to let you know how much I enjoyed our phone conversation this afternoon. It's always interesting and fun to put a voice with the written word.

As I recall, you and your husband are headed to Vegas tomorrow - here's wishing you a safe, but frolic filled long weekend!

I wasn't sure if there would be a response or not. A common theme continues to run through my head – even more so with the "slip" during the phone call. Is this a woman who has been at this for quite some time or is she really the woman she portrayed herself as via email? Am I in over my head? Moments later I received her reply:

Funny you should write me. I was just going to send you a note apologizing for the mental lapse re: who was responding to whose ad.

It's not that I'm pursuing loads of possibilities simultaneously. It's just that, for whatever fluky reason, a couple ads that I placed weeks ago have suddenly attracted interest. I'm not accustomed to corresponding with more than one person at a time. Hence the confusion.

In any event...I was very interested in the reference in your previous e-mail to your desire to be who you are meant to be vs. Meeting others' expectations. Care to elaborate on that before we get together? I promise to write back with something that I hope will be equally interesting (not sure what yet) on myself.

Have a good evening,


At this point, I'm not sure what to make of all of this. Being over 40, and having been around the block a few times, I've grown a bit cynical. Her explanation makes logical sense, but my own insecurities are playing devil's advocate. Emma is headed out of town though, which gives me a few days to see how I feel about things – and to answer a few more of those difficult questions I've been asking myself.

For instance, if I am serious about pursuing a lesbian relationship, why am I not first ending the relationship with my husband?

Some would say that it's because I'm not really serious about it – and they'd be right to a certain extent. At this point, I am not willing to pay the price (socially) to publicly declare my sexual orientation. I'm not willing to risk my family until I am certain that these feelings I have are real. I've also not ruled out the fact that my husband might actually be fine with us adding this type of relationship to ours. At some point, assuming things go as I expect they will, I'll have to broach the subject with him.

Will I lie? Plain and simple, yes! I will lie to my husband to meet up with Emma, although it will be more of a series of half-truths. I will likely tell him nothing more than I am meeting a girlfriend at the mall for lunch. True, but not the entire truth.

Will I lie to Emma? I honestly don't know. I don't want to – and right now I cannot imagine there being a need to – but if I am lying to my husband it would be somewhat presumptuous of me to claim I wouldn't lie to Emma.

What if she's an ax murderer (or stalker, or a man, or any other number of "What-If's" that must be considered when meeting someone online)?

I think, meeting in a public place somewhat removed from my home alleviates some of that concern. The only personal information Emma has is my cell phone number. I can say, with the utmost certainty, that this first meeting will stay "public." Precautions will be taken for safety.

I've got four days to think about all of this while she is in Vegas with her husband. I continue to remind myself that as excited as I am, I do have the option of backing out at any time. Oh hell! Who am I trying to fool? This meeting will happen – it has to happen – I need for it to happen.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 5

It became clear, early on, that Emma and I were both capable writers. As is often the case, I just assumed that most people write well but quickly discovered that "most people" don't read Craig's List. This was confirmed be Emma's next response:

You certainly know how to write, LouAnne...which separates you from the CL pack right out of the box.

Your background is very interesting. Definitely more bi than mine, as I never so much as kissed another woman on the lips until a few months ago. But my sexual fantasies have always centered on women. I've had a very solid sex life with my husband for 20+ years and cannot imagine a more wonderful mate. But in general, I'd have to say I'm slightly more attracted to women than men (though I do think the penis is a marvelous creation).

As I analyze why I've finally decided to act on this desire to be intimate with a woman, I think I've reached a sort of "carpe diem / now or never" point that's my version of a mid-life crisis. The trigger may have been the death of my dearest friend about a year ago. She died of a very aggressive cancer that spread from organ to bone to organ within a period of months. I had known her for over 35 years. She was my maid of honor, the godmother of our oldest child and closer to me than many sisters are. While I have many other casual friends, she was my only truly close friend. Our relationship was strictly platonic, but it was also very intimate. So I'm thinking her death left a void that this adventure of mine is seeking to fill, in part, in a different way. That's just speculation, but it seems almost too much of a coincidence to think there is no link between the two developments.

In any event, I'd be delighted to chat further with you. I believe I already gave you my cell phone number -- XXX-XXX-XXXX. If, after we talk on the phone, we feel it makes sense to get together, one possibility would be to meet on Saturday, Nov. 1, when I'm thinking of heading to Franklin Mills Mall to do some power shopping. This Thursday, my husband and I are flying to Las Vegas for a long weekend so that would be the first open weekend for me. Of course, I'd also be happy for you to come down to DC if you so desire.

Look forward to speaking with you,


Clearly, my attempt at dragging this out via email wasn't working very well. Emma had given me her phone number - again - and was expecting a call. Not only that, she was proposing a date for a meeting. I should be excited, right? Thrilled that she seems as interested in me as I am in her? Yet there is one thing causing me a great deal of anxiety – I hate talking on the phone.
This isn't a debilitating anxiety, but it's pretty darn close. It's a challenge for me to call to order Chinese take-out. What's worse is that this is an irrational fear and I know it. I decide to be upfront and honest with Emma, even if it makes me seem ridiculously insecure.

Thanks for the compliment Emma! I enjoy writing and find it to be somewhat of a lost art these days. Seems that texting has gotten the best of the under 40 crowd and the grace of phrases as simple as "Are you?" have been replaced by just letters - somehow r u just doesn't do it for me!

I had to laugh at your "I do think the penis is a marvelous creation" statement. I find the same to be so true. In fact, the human body - male or female - can be quite erotic in its own, individual way.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, but do appreciate you sharing the story with me. Sometimes it takes a significant event to put things into perspective. I know I've had a bit of my own mid-life crisis - one where I needed to evaluate the life I wanted vs. the life I was living. I've known for years who I am, but have been afraid to be that person. I like to think that as I get older societal pressures and assumptions mean far less.

I have a confession though - I have a bit of a phone phobia. I know ... sounds odd ... but I think it stems from my need to be able to read the body language of people I speak with (something I've found to be far more dependable than just listening to the words). That said, I do think making contact with you on the phone is the next, logical step. Would tomorrow (Wednesday night) work for you?

I am also quite excited about the prospect of a trip to Franklin Mills Mall. It's only about a 90 minute drive from here. I have no plans for that weekend, so it would work well for me. I suppose it is best for us to discuss that further during our phone call.

I am a bit envious of your long weekend trip to Vegas. Do enjoy yourself!


Again, I found myself fretting over her response. Here I was, telling a "stranger" - one that I'm hoping to learn more about - that talking on the phone scares me! Great … I guess I could just wear a sign around my neck proudly proclaiming "I'M A NUT JOB." I was certain this latest exchange would have her running away quickly. Instead, I received this reply:

Thanks for the nice note, LouAnne. You raised more questions than you answered, which will make for a very interesting meeting when we get together. Phone call doesn't need to last long -- we just need to verify our gender. Re; shopping...just as you admitted to a phone phobia, I have to admit to a distaste for shopping. To me, it's a necessary unpleasantness, so what I'd like to do is do our shopping separately and then get to the enjoyable part -- where we meet, have a glass of wine, maybe have some lunch and get to know each other. If it feels right and the wine goes to our heads, maybe we hit a dressing room together for a bit of preliminary exploration. Or maybe we hit it off, decide we'll meet again and leave it at that for the time being. Or...worst case scenario... We decide it wasn't meant to be. In any event, I get the feeling from our few exchanges to date that you and I could, at a minimum have a fascinating conversation. So I'm glad you're up for it.

Why don't we pencil in a date for a long, leisurely lunch at Franklin Mills on Nov.1?

You could call me for a very quick conversation tomorrow during the day, if convenient.

Talk to you soon,


The only thing standing in my way of this fascinating woman was dialing 11 digits on my cell phone. How difficult could that be? It was the longest 2 hours and 37 minutes in my recent memory.

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 4

In true, Oh-my-God, did I really just stumble upon exactly what I was looking for? style, I crafted a response. I was concerned – this was the first real prospect of something more and I didn't want to screw it up. It was like being in middle school again – those same butterflies – those same insecurities rearing their ugly heads. I decided to go for a simple reply, addressing her concerns, yet letting her know I didn't see these as concerns at all.


Thank you so much for taking the time to responding to my CL post. I was quite intrigued by your response. If I'd have been even more specific with my hopes, you'd have fit them all!

I've got quite a diversified professional background. I went back to school a few years back and received my bachelor's degree in accounting. Fortunately, I was able to secure a position with a bit of flexibility and close to home, allowing me to maintain a reasonable balance between professional and family life.

I don't know that you you being in the DC area is a drawback at all. In fact, due to the need for discretion, one might consider this a bit of a bonus. You are right - the pickings are slim on Craig's List for the over 40 crowd - I really did feel I was looking for a needle in a haystack.

I am actually not from New York originally. I'm a Midwest girl - born and raised in Omaha - but life has taken me from coast to coast and now I call New York home.

I've attached a photo and I look forward to hearing from you again!


I pushed send and waited. I was concerned about the picture I sent, taken just moments before. I stood at the bottom of the staircase in our living room, still in my "business casual" attire from work. Would it come across as stuffy? Would I be what she was hoping for? Would seeing the photo keep her from responding? It had been only a one-sided exchange and yet I found myself unreasonably hopeful.

Within a few hours, there was a new message from Emma. The subject line hadn't changed – was that a good sign or a bad sign? My apprehension in opening the email was illogical. I opened it – it read:

So nice to hear from you, LouAnne. I feel as though I've already told you quite a bit about myself but here's a bit more:

I have two sons, 23 and 20. The older graduated from college last year and is working as a sales rep for He's a natural at sales as it turns out, and is loving his job. The younger is a sophomore at Georgetown University.

My husband is 20 years older than I, but is very youthful and fun. He knows nothing about this yen of mine. However, I asked him many years ago if he viewed an extramarital relationship between two women as being equivalent to a woman cheating on her husband. He said he did not so, although he doesn't know it, I'm holding him to that. He is an absolutely wonderful man. But not surprisingly, he's at the stage of life where he's less interested in going out, having new experiences, etc. Luckily, he has always been very supportive of me doing my own thing so I'd say I pretty much have the best of all worlds -- a loving husband and a lot of freedom.

I'd love to hear more about you...the course your life has taken, your current family situation, and why you feel you have this interest. If you'd rather speak by phone, you can call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Or you can send me your number and I'll be happy to call you.


I wasn't expecting a phone number. This was moving far more quickly than I was prepared for. I was thinking there would be a few weeks of email exchanges prior to the need to speak on the phone. Suddenly, I was feeling extremely shy and insecure. I decided to respond via email – to see if there was more that I could tell her in hopes of learning more about her.

Good Morning Emma!

Do you ever have one of those weekends where one activity spirals into another and you are actually grateful for Monday morning because you get to go back to work? Yes, I had one of those! Nothing out of the norm, just constant activity.

Let's start with a bit of family background ...

I have been married to my husband for just over 2 years, this is a second marriage for both of us. We have quite the blended family. I've got a 20 year old step-daughter (currently attending Columbia University - my husband's adopted daughter), and a 14 year old step daughter (my husband's biological daughter - she lives with her mother and we have visitation every other weekend). I have two sons from my previous marriage – one is a freshman in high school and the other is a senior.

I actually had my first sexual experience with a woman when I was 18. In my early 20's I was involved in a somewhat long-term relationship with a woman and her husband (my interest was in her, however he was aware and supportive of the relationship). I had a few more isolated experiences up until the time I got pregnant with my son. It was then that I felt I needed to identify as "heterosexual" rather than what I've always known myself to be - bi-sexual. I really do enjoy relationships with men and with women - intellectually and physically - but wasn't OK with the implications that desire would have on my son.

My husband is aware of my past and was - prior to getting married - supportive of my desires. Honestly, it's not something we've talked about since. My inkling is that he would want to be a part of that relationship and - quite frankly - this is a relationship that I would like to have independent of him.

I wasn't quite sure how to develop this type of relationship - what I'd likely classify as an intimate friendship - with a woman. I live in a very distant and small (4000 people) suburb of New York, where 75% of the families are quite traditional - dad works outside of the home - mom stays at home with the family. I work in the same suburb for the only large employer located here. It makes it difficult to pursue anything other than what is expected – a traditional 2-parent home with 1.7 children, where mom is a PTA member and attends every school function. I am already a bit of an outcast working outside of the home.

I actually wrote the CL post at the encouragement of a "cyber friend" who was aware of my desires and thought it might be an appropriate avenue. It wasn't until I read the other postings - and received some of the other responses - that I realized just how much of a needle in a haystack I was looking for and how unlikely it was that I would find such a person on CL ... and then there was your response! A wonderful, welcome surprise!

That's the Reader's Digest condensed version of where I am and how I got here. If you are still interested in continuing with exploring this friendship (and I do hope you are), please let me know and we'll arrange a time to talk on the phone!


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 3

Questions. They always make me think, especially when they are questions that I've asked myself a million times. Did I really want another woman who was in a heterosexual relationship? That was any easy one – YES! But that next part – the why – that wasn't so easy, or was it?

I knew exactly why, I'd just never said it out loud. A woman in a heterosexual relationship was safe, or at the very least, safer. You see, in my world that would mean she would have every bit as much to lose as I did if boundaries were crossed. She'd be less likely to become obsessive – her status wouldn't really allow for that type of time commitment. She'd need to hold back a bit emotionally to keep the status quo at home. In other words, she'd never be able to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Being with a woman who was already in a heterosexual relationship would allow me to test the waters before having to make a commitment to my own sexuality.

You see, when you've lived over half of your life denying who you are at the core, it's overwhelming to even consider the idea of sharing that with the world. It has the potential to impact everyone and everything you've so carefully crafted to continue the denial – from the relationship with your children and spouse, to how you are perceived by your neighbors and coworkers. Everyone is proud to say they have a lesbian friend – everyone is fascinated with the idea of kissing a girl and liking it – but to make a public statement of loving women? That takes courage that I just don't have right now. Yes, I wanted a woman who was in a heterosexual relationship – it would be easier to keep my emotions in check.

It wasn't long before responses started coming in. It wasn't an overwhelming response – more like a trickle, and what an an interesting mix.

First there was Tiffany, a married 40-something woman looking for "a gal friend, someone to be close to, get to know, hang out and have a relationship with." Her email was friendly, but also had a few spelling, punctuation and grammatical errors. Was I being a snob by being so judgmental of her writing? I wanted to be able to connect with a woman on an intellectual level. I worked hard on my Craig's List ad – I hoped to get responses that were well written and articulate. I realized this was going to be one of my primary requirements for continuing contact. I got similar type emails from several other women. I did not respond to any of them. If I was going to put myself out there, I wasn't going to settle - settling is how I ended up marrying a man.

The second email was from Julie. It was the first "negative" response I received. I was prepared for this – I know there is a bit of a hierarchy in the lesbian world – those who look down on women like me. Julie wrote:

blah blah blah Jesus im surprised your husband has not left you lol you want to play shut up ask for my number be ready to meet and play if not go to a chat room

Needless to say, I didn't respond to Julie, and I held my breath in hopes that I'd not get any additional responses like hers.

There was Stephanie, another married woman who shared my desires and background. She was well "spoken" and we exchanged a few emails. She sent a photo in her second email of her at a company picnic. She had a cigarette in her hand. That was a deal breaker. Superficial? Maybe, but I just couldn't see myself getting past that.

Melissa responded, and there were several proverbial red flags in her email. One of her first questions was "What is your race?" Again, I understand that we all have preferences, but when that is the first question I read I start wondering if this is someone who might be closed-minded about many things. Additionally, she was single, childless and wanted "regularity and accessibility." She was also quite sexually explicit in her initial response to my ad. I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but when you've not taken the time to get to know me and your email states that you like, "getting my pussy ate and breast sucked," I'm a little taken aback. Although the physical aspect of this potential relationship is important to me, it isn't where I want to start. DELETE.

Then there was Sue, who turned out to be a bot, trolling for folks to log on to a singles XXX site to see her photos. I didn't access the link, but I have no doubt I'd have needed to join the site, pay a fee, and would never have found Sue.

Maybe I really was looking for some unrealistic ideal – being too picky. My intro on the ad, "Looking for a needle in a haystack," was meant to be an attention getter. I was starting to believe it was a premonition … that is until I received a response from Emma.

Emma. If I'd have hand picked a respondent for my ad I couldn't have done any better. Her first email was articulate, eloquent and contained just enough information that I wanted more. She was within my age range, a professional, married with grown children and exploring her sexuality – owning up to what she had always felt. Although her experience with women was limited, she was honest and upfront about what she hoped to find. Better still? She considered me educated and refined. She had only one concern – geography.

Emma wrote:

How nice to see an ad from someone in my age range. I'm a happily married, full-time professional with two grown children. Have been drawn to the idea of being intimate with another woman for decades, but acted on this desire for the first time only recently. It was a wonderful experience that I'd love to repeat.

I'm 45, but still youthful in appearance...5'6", size 10, 34C, short blonde hair, pretty face. Spent most of my career working for large corporations, most recently as head of worldwide logistics. Several years ago, I established a consulting practice, focusing mainly on management training.

The drawback is that I live in the Washington, DC area. But in my limited experience with Craigslist, it seems the pickings are so slim when it comes to educated, refined women over 40, that it's worth reaching out even when the geography is challenging. I'm a New York area native and I do get down to your area regularly.

Photo is attached. Sorry it's so small; it's the only way it will fit the CL file size limit. If you'd like to discuss this further, I'd appreciate a photo and additional information on

Hope to hear from you,


Friday, October 24, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 2

Months pass. There was a chance cyber meeting with someone, a man, who read my blog. A wonderful cyber lover friendship quickly ensued. Boundaries were established and agreed to, and just as quickly crossed and forgotten. One night, during a little D/s role play via chat, he instructed me to write a Craig's List Ad to search for the woman I wanted – needed – to satisfy my emotional and sexual needs. He would approve it before I posted it. He would be part of the selection process. His interest in me finding this woman – this needle in a haystack – was selfless. He didn't want a part of the actual intimacies, but rather he wanted the opportunity to help me fulfill my long denied desires. Forty-eight hours later, I posted the following:

Married, bi female looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack. It's been 20 years since I was involved in a physical relationship with another woman and I miss it. I sold my soul to the expectations of society and family – married – had children – live in suburban "bliss". Now, in my mid-forties, I realize that I gave up a piece of myself, a piece that I want back. I won't be leaving my husband and my family, but I will, once again, explore the feminine intimacies I so dearly miss.

I am intelligent, educated, articulate, attractive and femme - height/weight proportionate. My interests are varied. I am just as thrilled to have a discussion surrounding politics or religion as I am talking about the great recipe I just found for a Tomato and Mozzarella Frittata. I am fit and physically active.

You should be emotionally mature and relatively drama free (we all have a bit of drama, don't we?), preferably between 35 and 50. I hope to find a woman in a similar situation, one who understands the importance of discretion in this type of relationship, one who appreciates the attention, the touch, the kiss of a woman. Maybe we start with a few emails, a phone call or coffee, and then see where things go.

Please, no men or couples - I am looking for an exclusive, intimate female friendship. A (tasteful) photo of you will get the same of me in return.

I immediately had posters remorse. What if no one answered the ad? What if someone did? What if somehow my anonymity was compromised? What if one of my children's schoolmates mother answered the ad? Was I crazy?

I was in such a panic that I sent all of the questions, along with a copy of the ad, to the only friend I knew could possibly understand. She assured me that I wasn't crazy (my foremost concern), but had some concerns as well.

She felt I was looking for someone just like me and questioned just how realistic that was. She wondered if I really did want another woman who was in a heterosexual relationship. And if I did, why? What if I fell in love? Was I ready for those consequences? Would I possibly prefer a one-night stand (a much easier and less complicated solution)? Now my head was really spinning.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 1

I thought you all might enjoy a little strange. I've persuaded one of my friends to guest post about a time in her life that was very interesting to me. I'm always intrigued by straight women and how they wander to the other side. How they do it. Why they do it. The intricacies of maneuvering around a husband, children, family and friends to find the life that they want for themselves. It's sometimes a life that they've only dreamed about.

When my friend told me this story, I asked her to write it out so that I could tell you. I know that we now have two stories going on here, but you're a smart crowd. Come on, it's gonna be fun!

I'd been thinking about it a lot the past 2 years – how much I missed the intimacy of a woman. I really thought I had put it all behind me. I firmly believed that my experiences throughout my 20's were nothing more than sexual exploration.

Then I met her on a "mommy" email list. She was intelligent, witty and in much the same circumstances as me. She was married, with three children, her husband knew of her attraction to women, but was clear that he would not allow her to pursue a relationship with a woman while they were married. She opted, instead, to have a lesbian affair - one that had ended quite some time ago. I wanted to be her next.

We would see each other every other month or so. I would travel to her home, visit with her kids and her husband, all the while my heart aflutter. I'd look at her, then have to avert my gaze downward just knowing that my desires would be evident if I looked at her any longer. There were times, when we'd sit on the sofa next to each other, our bodies "accidentally" touching, where I had to focus on something other than the touch so that I wouldn't take her right there in front of the kids. I wanted her – emotionally, intellectually, and physically.

This cat and mouse game continued for close to a year, never even resulting in a kiss. Maybe she tired of my inability to initiate the physical contact. Maybe I tired of not having the guts to do what my heart so badly wanted. We never discussed why it ended – the visits just stopped. She stopped reading my blog. She stopped writing her blog. She was no longer available on IM. I missed her. I wondered if she missed me.