Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 6

I told Emma that I would call her that afternoon between 1:30 and 2:00. At 1:35, I headed to the lobby of our building at work and at 1:37 I dialed her number. It rang three times …

Emma: Hello?

Me: Is this Emma?

Emma: This must be LouAnne!

Whew! She knew it was me and I actually managed to sound (I think) somewhat casual in the conversation, but this is also where my greatest concern was. Would there be dead space now that introductions had been made?

Fortunately, Emma – once again – took the lead. There was, however, one awkward moment – a moment where it became clear that I was not the first woman with whom she had had phone contact. About a minute into the call, Emma asked, "So it was you who responded to my ad, wasn't it?"

Well shit! Either she's playing this game so hard she's got several pots in the fire, or I've not made very much of an impression on her. This was not where I wanted this conversation to go.

I gently reminded her that no, she answered my ad – the needle in the haystack, remember? She was extremely apologetic, but honest as well (a quality I appreciate). She let me know that yes, she had talked to a few women recently – there had been somewhat of a resurgent interest in an ad she place on Craig's List sometime back, and then she repeated several facts about me – specifically – that put me somewhat at ease. We agreed that yes, a meeting at Franklin Mills was the next logical step.

All-in-all, the call went fairly well, and with the exception of that one, uncomfortable moment, seemed promising. Feeling like I had just interviewed for a job, I thought it was appropriate to send a "Thank you for your time" email. I wrote:

Hi Emma!

Just a quick note to let you know how much I enjoyed our phone conversation this afternoon. It's always interesting and fun to put a voice with the written word.

As I recall, you and your husband are headed to Vegas tomorrow - here's wishing you a safe, but frolic filled long weekend!

I wasn't sure if there would be a response or not. A common theme continues to run through my head – even more so with the "slip" during the phone call. Is this a woman who has been at this for quite some time or is she really the woman she portrayed herself as via email? Am I in over my head? Moments later I received her reply:

Funny you should write me. I was just going to send you a note apologizing for the mental lapse re: who was responding to whose ad.

It's not that I'm pursuing loads of possibilities simultaneously. It's just that, for whatever fluky reason, a couple ads that I placed weeks ago have suddenly attracted interest. I'm not accustomed to corresponding with more than one person at a time. Hence the confusion.

In any event...I was very interested in the reference in your previous e-mail to your desire to be who you are meant to be vs. Meeting others' expectations. Care to elaborate on that before we get together? I promise to write back with something that I hope will be equally interesting (not sure what yet) on myself.

Have a good evening,

Emma

At this point, I'm not sure what to make of all of this. Being over 40, and having been around the block a few times, I've grown a bit cynical. Her explanation makes logical sense, but my own insecurities are playing devil's advocate. Emma is headed out of town though, which gives me a few days to see how I feel about things – and to answer a few more of those difficult questions I've been asking myself.

For instance, if I am serious about pursuing a lesbian relationship, why am I not first ending the relationship with my husband?

Some would say that it's because I'm not really serious about it – and they'd be right to a certain extent. At this point, I am not willing to pay the price (socially) to publicly declare my sexual orientation. I'm not willing to risk my family until I am certain that these feelings I have are real. I've also not ruled out the fact that my husband might actually be fine with us adding this type of relationship to ours. At some point, assuming things go as I expect they will, I'll have to broach the subject with him.

Will I lie? Plain and simple, yes! I will lie to my husband to meet up with Emma, although it will be more of a series of half-truths. I will likely tell him nothing more than I am meeting a girlfriend at the mall for lunch. True, but not the entire truth.

Will I lie to Emma? I honestly don't know. I don't want to – and right now I cannot imagine there being a need to – but if I am lying to my husband it would be somewhat presumptuous of me to claim I wouldn't lie to Emma.

What if she's an ax murderer (or stalker, or a man, or any other number of "What-If's" that must be considered when meeting someone online)?

I think, meeting in a public place somewhat removed from my home alleviates some of that concern. The only personal information Emma has is my cell phone number. I can say, with the utmost certainty, that this first meeting will stay "public." Precautions will be taken for safety.

I've got four days to think about all of this while she is in Vegas with her husband. I continue to remind myself that as excited as I am, I do have the option of backing out at any time. Oh hell! Who am I trying to fool? This meeting will happen – it has to happen – I need for it to happen.