Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 4

In true, Oh-my-God, did I really just stumble upon exactly what I was looking for? style, I crafted a response. I was concerned – this was the first real prospect of something more and I didn't want to screw it up. It was like being in middle school again – those same butterflies – those same insecurities rearing their ugly heads. I decided to go for a simple reply, addressing her concerns, yet letting her know I didn't see these as concerns at all.

Emma,

Thank you so much for taking the time to responding to my CL post. I was quite intrigued by your response. If I'd have been even more specific with my hopes, you'd have fit them all!

I've got quite a diversified professional background. I went back to school a few years back and received my bachelor's degree in accounting. Fortunately, I was able to secure a position with a bit of flexibility and close to home, allowing me to maintain a reasonable balance between professional and family life.

I don't know that you you being in the DC area is a drawback at all. In fact, due to the need for discretion, one might consider this a bit of a bonus. You are right - the pickings are slim on Craig's List for the over 40 crowd - I really did feel I was looking for a needle in a haystack.

I am actually not from New York originally. I'm a Midwest girl - born and raised in Omaha - but life has taken me from coast to coast and now I call New York home.

I've attached a photo and I look forward to hearing from you again!

LouAnne

I pushed send and waited. I was concerned about the picture I sent, taken just moments before. I stood at the bottom of the staircase in our living room, still in my "business casual" attire from work. Would it come across as stuffy? Would I be what she was hoping for? Would seeing the photo keep her from responding? It had been only a one-sided exchange and yet I found myself unreasonably hopeful.

Within a few hours, there was a new message from Emma. The subject line hadn't changed – was that a good sign or a bad sign? My apprehension in opening the email was illogical. I opened it – it read:

So nice to hear from you, LouAnne. I feel as though I've already told you quite a bit about myself but here's a bit more:

I have two sons, 23 and 20. The older graduated from college last year and is working as a sales rep for Google.com. He's a natural at sales as it turns out, and is loving his job. The younger is a sophomore at Georgetown University.

My husband is 20 years older than I, but is very youthful and fun. He knows nothing about this yen of mine. However, I asked him many years ago if he viewed an extramarital relationship between two women as being equivalent to a woman cheating on her husband. He said he did not so, although he doesn't know it, I'm holding him to that. He is an absolutely wonderful man. But not surprisingly, he's at the stage of life where he's less interested in going out, having new experiences, etc. Luckily, he has always been very supportive of me doing my own thing so I'd say I pretty much have the best of all worlds -- a loving husband and a lot of freedom.

I'd love to hear more about you...the course your life has taken, your current family situation, and why you feel you have this interest. If you'd rather speak by phone, you can call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Or you can send me your number and I'll be happy to call you.

Emma

I wasn't expecting a phone number. This was moving far more quickly than I was prepared for. I was thinking there would be a few weeks of email exchanges prior to the need to speak on the phone. Suddenly, I was feeling extremely shy and insecure. I decided to respond via email – to see if there was more that I could tell her in hopes of learning more about her.

Good Morning Emma!

Do you ever have one of those weekends where one activity spirals into another and you are actually grateful for Monday morning because you get to go back to work? Yes, I had one of those! Nothing out of the norm, just constant activity.

Let's start with a bit of family background ...

I have been married to my husband for just over 2 years, this is a second marriage for both of us. We have quite the blended family. I've got a 20 year old step-daughter (currently attending Columbia University - my husband's adopted daughter), and a 14 year old step daughter (my husband's biological daughter - she lives with her mother and we have visitation every other weekend). I have two sons from my previous marriage – one is a freshman in high school and the other is a senior.

I actually had my first sexual experience with a woman when I was 18. In my early 20's I was involved in a somewhat long-term relationship with a woman and her husband (my interest was in her, however he was aware and supportive of the relationship). I had a few more isolated experiences up until the time I got pregnant with my son. It was then that I felt I needed to identify as "heterosexual" rather than what I've always known myself to be - bi-sexual. I really do enjoy relationships with men and with women - intellectually and physically - but wasn't OK with the implications that desire would have on my son.

My husband is aware of my past and was - prior to getting married - supportive of my desires. Honestly, it's not something we've talked about since. My inkling is that he would want to be a part of that relationship and - quite frankly - this is a relationship that I would like to have independent of him.

I wasn't quite sure how to develop this type of relationship - what I'd likely classify as an intimate friendship - with a woman. I live in a very distant and small (4000 people) suburb of New York, where 75% of the families are quite traditional - dad works outside of the home - mom stays at home with the family. I work in the same suburb for the only large employer located here. It makes it difficult to pursue anything other than what is expected – a traditional 2-parent home with 1.7 children, where mom is a PTA member and attends every school function. I am already a bit of an outcast working outside of the home.

I actually wrote the CL post at the encouragement of a "cyber friend" who was aware of my desires and thought it might be an appropriate avenue. It wasn't until I read the other postings - and received some of the other responses - that I realized just how much of a needle in a haystack I was looking for and how unlikely it was that I would find such a person on CL ... and then there was your response! A wonderful, welcome surprise!

That's the Reader's Digest condensed version of where I am and how I got here. If you are still interested in continuing with exploring this friendship (and I do hope you are), please let me know and we'll arrange a time to talk on the phone!

LouAnne