Saturday, June 28, 2008

I Wish You Could Have Gone With Us....

but I'm glad you didn't.

Because I was tired from all of that swimming. So tired that I wanted to go down below to take a nap. My girl wanted me to come up to the deck to bask in the sun a little longer. But no, I was just wiped out.

I head down the steps to the little cabin and strip off my wet suit. I recline on the bed to relax for a few minutes. Here comes my girl. She raises her eyebrows, smiles and strips off her bikini. She joins me on the bed of soft grey comforters and pillows.

I'm just too tired. Oh wait, maybe I'm not.

I wasn't. But then I was.

I made dinner anyway. Organic Beef Spaghetti Sauce with Caramelized Baby Bellas and Buttons over Whole Wheat Rotini. Because, you know, a girlfriend needs a hearty meal after a hard day on the lake. You never know, she might need her strength for later.


Friday, June 27, 2008

A Day In The Life Of A Real Live Lesbian...

whose girlfriend has a big boat. It's one of the things that got her noticed by me. Cute girls and big boats really turn on my flirtatious nature!

Yesterday, after work, I met her at the dock for an afternoon on the lake.

We head out to our favorite spot, that we call Turt Cove. We always see turtles over there. Small turtles. The cute size. Sometimes a duck or two.

As it got warmer up on the sun pads, we headed to the back platform to jump in. We settle in on our rafts. Then my girl shrieks. (FYI: not her style) She's just seen a huge turtle. Of prehistoric size swimming with us.

I'm not losing a toe to some gigantic snapping turtle. Out of the lake we scramble to lie in the sun some more.

I had promised a friend that I'd swim for 15 minutes yesterday at the lake. Just to get my cardio in. Fifteen minutes should be a BREEZE! But we've just encountered Gigantaturt and I'm feeling lazy. I look over at her and say, "Instead of swimming, let's just go for a walk when we get home, ok?"

Out of nowhere, a duck and her eight ducklings swim up. Cool! We get them some chips (not my soy chips) and start tossing. All nine ducks are quacking softly and grabbing the chips. Then a turtle comes up to eat. Then two more turtles. Then a school of bream. Geez Louise, everybody's hungry here in Turt Cove! I start tossing in my healthy snack of cut up watermelon. Turtles LOVE watermelon!

Responding to my earlier bout of laziness, my girl says, "I think you should, your raft is floating away to the middle of the lake. Looks like a good time to get that cardio in!"

Dammitalltohell! Off I swim to retrieve my fancy dancy float, while the turtles were otherwise engaged with watermelon.

I'm happy to report back today with all phalanges in place. It was so much fun! I wish you all could have gone with us!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

How Gay Are YOU?

Yesterday, I received a comment about one of my old posts. It got me to thinking. How gay are ya'll?

I know how gay I am. Pretty damn gay. About an 8.5, I think.

If I met the right man. With the right mindset. With the right body. On the right day. And I had no female options. I would. And I wouldn't have any problems spending my life with this Right Man. But boy, would he have to be right and he'd have to keep his manly self in perfect form, like no whiskers and be sweet all the damn time, to keep me.

But on most days, I don't even notice men. Their anatomy doesn't interest me. Well Matthew McConaughey's does, but his brain doesn't. Dumb people just kill my libido.

So my question gay are you? On a scale of 1-10, what's your gayness? Would you have sex with the same sex? Have you? Will you again? Feel free to tell stories! I love stories!

P.S. I won't tell a soul what your answers are.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Miracle: Unveiled

Yesterday, I arrived home from a day at the office to see a huge box on my doorstep. It was hidden by the UPS guy in the usual way. My doormat gently placed over top, so that the side writing was still visible.

What is it? Glenny's Soy Something or other?

I burst into the house and tear the box open. Now this is no small box. This is a huge box! Full of every variety of soy crisps that you've ever dreamed of.

There are:

Lightly salted
Apple Cinnamon
Cool Ranch
Onion and Garlic
White Cheddar
Salt and Pepper
Sea Salt
Olive Oil
How to choose? There are sooo many!

This is the miracle that my buddy's been teasing me about. Under 150 calories. 140 for a bag to be exact. Cures the carb craving with very few carbs. I am skeptical.

I rip open the bag. Taste my first soy chip. Oooh, it's good! No, it's great. Crispy with tons of little sprinkly vegetable flakes and salt all over it.

I ate the entire bag. I was satisfied.

I didn't even think about wanting something else until dinner.

Thanks, my friend! You are my weight-loss hero!

Monday, June 23, 2008

Ordering the Protection

During the last week, I've been contacted via phone and my house has been driven by twice by my Ex-The Redneck.

She used to live four houses down because I asked her to go stay with her friend that lived down the road. I never let her come home. She asked. I said no.

Now, when she comes to see him, she is compelled to come down into the cul-de-sac and do a drive by. I suppose she just can't stop herself. Will I be in the yard? Will I finally be friendly?

I should have filed an Order of Protection two years ago. I'm wondering if it's been too long? Will I look silly after two years going into the police station to ask that my ex not stalk me anymore?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Liberty Bell Lamps

Last week, William came by to help me get the junk out of my attic to have a yard sale. He handed down pile after pile of stuff. Then, he handed me the Liberty Bell Lamps. Two. Identical. Antique? No. Horrible? Yes.

They came with my Ex-The Redneck. They were so ugly that they never saw the light of day, but we couldn't sell them since they were "family heirlooms." I've watched enough Antique Roadshows to know an antique when I see it. These were 1972 Colonial crap.

And they were such "family heirlooms" that she'd forgotten about them. For TWO YEARS.

Yesterday, at my huge yard sale, I took great pride in putting the lamps on the table with a price tag of .50 each. The second lady that walked up snagged them.

I put the .50 cents in my pocket.

Please, if you ever see 'em on the Antiques Roadshow, just don't tell me. Okay?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Struggles and a MIRACLE

But I don't know what the miracle is just yet. I've been trying a new diet. More whole foods. More fruits and veggies. And I'm fuckin' miserable. I did okay the first week. Then bam, I hit the wall of cake and ice cream.

Every day, when I got home from my day of perfection at the office, I flew into a junk food craze.

Therefore, I'm rethinking my plan. Yesterday, I told this to one of my support people. She's the only person that I know that has done what I want to do. I asked her to help. She said yes. I'm still amazed that she's my advisor. I am so thrilled to have her wisdom. I told her of my plight with carbs and sweets and frankly, junk in general lately.

Her response:

"Actually, I've got a little something for that carb craving - something I was introduced to by a vegetarian friend of mine. Don't be afraid ... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised! It will curb the carb craving, make you feel like you've just eaten something "naughty" and provide a good dose of protein for under 150 calories!"

What the hell? Fuckin' skinny people keeping secrets from the fatties again!

I thought I knew about everything. I read. I google. I keep informed.

I have heard nothing of this, this, this MIRACLE.

But I'm so excited to get it. It'll be here next week.

More importantly though, is to have someone to turn to. Someone who has been there, done that. Someone who can understand the struggle. Someone, when I'm standing in the forest of junk food trees can say, "Look there's a clearing!"

A big ol' thank you to my buddy, my advisor, my friend. Soon I'll be posting a pic of her painting that is in progress. It's not what she wanted, but it's from my heart and I actually wrote my intentions for her on the canvas before I started.

She'll get what she wants later. She's gotta earn that with a couple of miracles first!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Lesbianism Explained

"Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men."


Usher goes on to say that he's a prime example of what a man should be.

If only Usher weren't married. If only there were more men. If only, if only, if only.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Never Lick the Bowl

The other night, I made my girl a fabulous dinner that I found over at Claudia's cookeatfret, Chicken with Peanut Sesame Noodles.

It fit in perfectly with our new eating plan. Whole wheat noodles. Chicken. Just a touch of honey in the sauce.

I flipped open the dishwasher that I'd ran the night before.

Her: "Are these clean?"

Me: "Yep, ran 'em last night."

We each grabbed a bowl. Filled them with deliciousness and sat down for dinner. We oohed and ahhhed over the peanut sauce. My girl had cooked the chicken to perfection. It was just barely done and melted in my mouth.

It was by far the best dinner that I've cooked in a long time. And with very little effort. The sauce is a snap to whip up in the blender and coats the pasta perfectly.

We sit on the couch for a few minutes talking about how wonderful dinner was. We allow the dogs lick the tiny bits that were left in the bottom. We take our bowls to the kitchen.

She opens up the dishwasher.

Her: "These aren't CLEAN!"

Me: "Did you open the dishwasher again after I set it on delay last night?"

Silence as the reality sets in. Both of our mothers have told us not to let the dogs lick the bowls after dinner.

Now we know why.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I'm IT!

My virtual friend Kelly over at Keeper of the Sanity tagged me. I'm not tagging anyone. But if you wanna do it, I'm going to allow it. And for those of you who don't give a flip about reading below, here's a $30 million dollar bikini to look at today.

1. What was I doing ten years ago?
I was 32 and in the first year of a relationship of my Ex, The Redneck. I was sad, broke and lonely. In October of that year, she would hit me on my birthday. I would believe her when she said she wouldn't do it again. I would forgive her. Try to trust her and fail. And eventually be totally disillusioned with her. If someone tried that with me now, at 42, I would kick their ass and wipe the floor with them. (I talk big.)

2. What are five things on my list to do today?
Reconcile the office's bank statement. Dammittohell, I can't find $580.60!
Eat healthy.
Clean the house.
Spend 90 minutes at the gym with this guy: Trainer Extraordinaire

3. Snacks I enjoy?
Anything chocolate.
Anything sweet.
Anything fattening.
Is it a wonder I'm plus sized?

4. Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire?
Breathe deeply without a care in the world.
Pay off the debt and buy the new house we're looking at.
Help everyone who didn't ask me for money.
Hire my best friend to tend my pool so she wouldn't have to work and we could talk whenever we wanted!

5. Three of my bad habits?
Doing the work first and the fun last. (I'm gettin' better, tho.)
Expecting too much out of others.

6. Five places I have lived?
Nashville, TN
Murfreesboro, TN
Smyrna, TN
Cookeville, TN
Antioch, TN
Now you know why I like to travel!

7. Five jobs I’ve had?
Comdata Customer Service Rep.
Commissioned Shoe Sales at Sears~ talk about the perfect place to meet women!
Management Consultant
Leasing Consultant
Office Manager

8. How did you name your blog?
It just came to me in a moment of brilliance.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Starbucks, You Are The Devil

Welcome to the inaugural week of my new diet. I've thought long and hard about it. It's time. I'm ready. I have all of my supports in place. I planned my day. Including the delicious, skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte from Starbucks.

Except when I went to order it, I was distracted.

I watched helpless from my car as the barista prepped my coffee. Poured in whole milk. Swirled mountains of real whipped cream on top. Heavy on the cinnamon sprinkles. I forgot to say skinny!

I took a sip. Oh sweet elixir of caffeiney goodness, how I love you. Wait. I can't. I love you, but I just can't do this. It's not you, it's me.

I promised myself. I can get a pedicure after a full week of good-girl. I want... I NEED a pedicure.

I took another sip. God, help me resist.

When I got back to my computer, I looked up the nutritionals and put the numbers in my profile. TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY CALORIES?

Ok (taking another sip), let's think. I can make this work. I put in 1/2 of the latte. Baddabing! I'm under my calorie target for the day.

A tiny tear dropped from my fat little cheek as I poured half of the yummy goodness down the sink.

There will be a pedicure.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Seeing Red

The car in front of me was silver. Going the same damn speed as I was. And yet, Officer Gottschall (pronounced gots ya'll) picked my little red car to pull over.

He clocked me at 10 mph over the speed limit. Just FEET before it changed to 40 mph.

Apparently, I'm the talk of the town. Today, I've heard from three locals today that saw me pulled over with a cop's lights on yesterday afternoon as I raced to the dentist.

He walked up tall and tan in his uniform and aviator sunglasses. Smiled. Was polite and even joked with me. He looked like a cop off of a Hollywood movie set.

It was the perfect scenario...for a straight woman.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Yellow Roses with One Red

I live in a tiny neighborhood in a cul-de-sac. I have a really great neighbor. There's no way not to know each least not in my country-girl mind.

Last week, my girl's shoulder was still in a sling. We asked him to stop by when he had a chance. I wanted to bribe him with a full meatloaf dinner that he could take home and cook at his leisure. As he walked in, I had a mass of meat flopping back and forth between my palms. He smiled, "What do you need?"

A yard mowing. Just the front for right now.

He immediately came down and got my yard back in shape. I fill his arms with a home-cooked dinner. But before he left, he asked if I would paint his yellow rose bush. The one heavy with yellow blooms and one red one.

Today, I had the time and the inclination.

I started with a paletteful of yellows, blues, greens, oranges and tans.
Click on the images for larger views.

Then I laid out the colorful background.

And finally placed the flowers on top. I hope he likes it.

I should make a sign:

Will paint for

...well, what've you got that I want?

P.S. Have you seen my cock?