Saturday, October 31, 2009

I Have A New....


He moved in a few days ago. I assume he's a boy because he drives a truck. Quite sterotypically minded of me, isn't it?

Anyway, I'd like to go over. Say hi. Take him a little something to welcome him to our new neighborhood.

But what?

I've struggled with it. Homemade brownies? Cookies? What if he's diabetic? Doesn't like chocolate? What if he's got high blood pressure? No pretzels.

I have a few things put together for him.

Here's hoping he's always wanted a lesbian neighbor.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Happy Hollow Weenie!

Our friends had their huge Halloween bash last Saturday night. Can you guess what I was? Huh? Can ya? Meo-rawr!

It was a blast!

Hugh Hefner with the "Girls Next Door" showed up, three girls in tiny Pirate outfits, a stripper, a schoolgirl, Clark Kent and Superman, The Devil (mine), the entire cast of Batman, and Fay Wray along with King Kong.

This weekend is reserved for kickin' back with some chili and handing out candy to the little ones. I want to do as little as possible.

What are you going to be for Halloween? Have any big plans?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Our Company Doesn't Have A Volley Ball Team

Aqua Net Solutions

While I was looking for a picture of Aqua Net....the pic above caught my attention. Apparently, there's also an Aqua Net Solutions in Belgium.

And they have a Women's Beach Volleyball team.

I wonder if they're taking applications?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Filed In My Brain Under, "I Shit You Not"

Last week, my work phone rang and a girl proceeded to ask to speak to the manager, owner, or someone that could give her their money. Since I'm the gatekeeper around here, I finally got her to the point where I ask if she'd like to leave her name and number.

She said...

Wait. I really should point out that I am not a fun maker of. I was made fun of a blue-billion times growing up. Nothing about it was my fault. I was chubby (genetically) and red-headed. With dimples in all of the wrong places. And some in the right places. So, I'm really not one to laugh at someone else's misfortune or whatever. I'm not. I don't do it. Well, I didn't...until now.

And so, she said, "This is Aquanet Jones (not her real last name) and...."

Right there is where I lost my shit. I know they are used to people hanging up on them. And I did. Right there, I hung up on her.

So, I could laugh my stinkin' ass off.

What's the best name you've ever heard?

P.S. It could have been Aqua Net....because I did not have the wherewithall to ask her how to spell it. I lost it way before then.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Lookie Here!

Over 100,000 page views. Unbelievable. Seriously, it is!

I just wanted to say thanks for stopping by. Because, I never keep up with my blogaversary or when I've hit certain numbers. But I happened to check my stats today and saw that we've blown past 100,000 page views!


So, thanks for getting to know me and letting me get to know you. I meet the nicest people here.

You rock!

P.S. I know you didn't read this.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Six Lesbians On A Couch

We could have fitted more.

I had nine women over for brunch and football. That's what some of us lesbians do on Sunday. Sometimes.

One made omelettes to order. You would LOVE her!
One brought a fruit compote with cake. She's the healthy one.
One brought homemade French Toast Casserole. OH. YES!
One made hash browns.

I prepped for the omelettes and made this:

Williams Sonoma Pecan Pumpkin Butter Spread

1/2 jar of
Williams Sonoma Pecan Pumpkin Butter
1 block of cream cheese
3 strips of bacon, chopped into small pieces and browned
3 T. toasted pecans
3 spring onions, chopped

Mix the pumpkin butter, bacon pieces and toasted pecans together. Pour, or rather dump, over a block of cream cheese on a pretty plate. Top with spring onions. Throw some crackers on there, too.

I called it "Turd on Cream Cheese." And they ate every damn drop! Scraped it off of the plate. It really was wonderful and tasted MUCH better than it looked.

I'd have taken a picture, but then you'd have never even tried it. It looked THAT bad. A spring of parsley would have only made matters worse.

I don't even want to talk about Titans Football. At all.

Friday, October 16, 2009

I'm Sad

One of our employees who's from Mexico is going home. For good. I'm going to miss him.

In the beginning he spoke very little English. That was eons ago. Now, he's fluent. And for all of this time, he's been trying to teach me Spanish. I've failed miserably.

That's how we became friends. I 'hola' him, because we're a family business and he's like family.

I'm gonna miss him. Say a prayer or think a happy thought as he takes a 36 hour bus ride home to San Luis Potosi. It'll be tough, but I bet it's been tougher being away from his grandchildren.

Buen Viaje, Roga!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Straight Girl Sex

Johanna Dray

I've never done it with a straight girl. Mostly because, well....I've never had the opportunity.

I wonder if it's really that fabulous?

Tell me.
Is it?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Starbucks FREE Birthday Drink

No, I didn't get mine, either. And it kinda pissed me off. I mean they SAY they're sending me one if I put my date of birth on their form.

I did what they asked.

My birthday came.

My birthday went.

I googled it. Nobody knows anything. Nothing on their website about how it works.

IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY, PEOPLE!!! MY birthday. And Starbucks didn't get me a present. Trust me, if you was as addicted as I am, and visited these people several times a'd expect something. Even if it was just a little cup of Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte.

So I wrote them. And I said:

How do you expect me to believe your tales of Global Responsibility, Environmental Stewardship, Community Involvement and Ethical Sourcing when you don't even send me my birthday gift like you promised? (or something like that)

They sent back a form letter. I hate form letters. But that's what I got for my birthday.

In regards to your inquiry, you should receive your Starbucks Card Rewards birthday beverage postcard within 30 days before or after your birthday depending on when you registered. We recently mailed the first round of birthday postcards, which covers all customers who signed up prior to September 20, 2009, who had a birthday in August or September. As a special surprise and delight, customers with a birthday in August will still receive the postcard even though it was prior to the launch of this new benefit.

Warm Regards,


Well Jonathan,

Perhaps you should explain that you're just giving away a free coffee for adding your birthday and registering your card. Because sending me a gift 30 days after my birthday is's late is what it is.

A Very Late Latte.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Not Fit For Humans

First off, don't google "rip your head off." Trust me on that.

Today, I don't feel "right."




So, since I have nothing nice to say....

Head on over to Vodka Mom's and enter her giveaways HERE and HERE.

P.S. Two teenagers just walked by and obviously decided NOT to come into my offices. Smart boys.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Who Do You Love?

Name one person, place, thing, animal, vegetable, mineral, cat, dog, hamster. Something. Anything!

I love my parents, my family in general but most of all and at the tip top of my list are the people and fur children that I live with. The love of my life, Trace and Isaac.

I know you love something. Name it!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

What Am I Doing?

Going to tractor pull? What was I thinking? Really? A tractor pull. If I could, I would roll my eyes at myself. Not that there's anything wrong with it. I'm just not a big fan of loud or tractors.

My mother's side of the family is from a VERY small town in a very rural part of TN. They think I'm a City Mouse because I live in the big city of Nashville.

I grew up with these cousins. We went down there every weekend growing up. We'd stay at my grandparent's house. Wake up to a big country breakfast where we had things like fresh sausage and biscuits with my grandmother's fingerprints on them. Then, a late Sunday lunch with my cousin falling asleep on the floor after eating too much chocolate cake.

Football on the TV in the living room, with the men snoring. The women still sitting around the kitchen table talking and picking at the cake. Sipping on a cup of coffee.

So, I'm going down there to visit this weekend. I haven't been since my cousin, Sheila died five years ago. I don't do death very well.

They're having a big tractor pull on my cousin's farm and I promised that I would come. I promised last year, but I had mono. This year, I'll definitely go.

But I kinda don't want to. What I really want is one of the old weekends with everyone eating and laughing. Women crowded in the kitchen with everyone making something different.

And I want my grandparents back.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Seventy Four

That's how old my mother is. Doesn't she look AMAZING!!!!???

This is one of my favorites of them holding hands and taking their vows.

Me and the love of my life. She looks pretty happy, too!

And after things settled down a bit, we broke out the rum. I'm going to give you the punch recipe soon, because it was amazing!

Monday, October 5, 2009

What You've Been Waitin' For.....

Pictures from the photographer. Of course, being an anonymous blogger (well, kinda), I had to find pictures that didn't really show anyone up close. Ones that gave you the FEEL of the day without killing anyone's privacy.

The tables and the huge tissue paper balls that I made a few nights before. It rained TWO INCHES that Saturday and had just stopped and cleared up an hour before. The sun came out on a day that no one believed that it would. I think God knew he had to quit it out or my mother would be *pissed.*

One hundred chairs turned out to be just about perfect!

The landing of the stairs that I ran up. And down. And up. And down. 183,793 times before anyone even arrived. I managed to have a smile on my face. Even though I wasn't drinking. Yet.

Here's THE DRESS! Just waiting, like it had all the time in the world to make her even more beautiful than she already was.

The 74-year-old bride all dressed up and peeking with the flower girl. They were trying to kill time, while everyone was arriving and being seated. It took us maybe 5 minutes to get dressed. What are you women doing that go upstairs for an hour and are late for the wedding. I guess she already knew what she was getting in to.

The crowd. The rest of them are menfolk hanging back. You know how they do that and hell, I don't know what they do back there. But they're in the back around the pool deck. Being guys. Doing guy stuff. Waiting the "guy way."

That's it for now. I have a few more, but you know how I love to tease you!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Not One More Minute...

could I wait.

We'd been goofing off all day. First to watch my coach squat 970 pounds. Amazing. Then to the mall to goof off at Aveda, Williams Sonoma and Teavana. And finally to the video kiosk to pick up Twilight.

Sitting there on the couch, I was cold and the rain outside made it feel like winter. We could have turned on the heat, but it's just too damn early. It's barely October.

We finally caved and built our first fire of the season. Trace is relaxing in front, soaking up a little warmth in her old doggie bones.

Friday, October 2, 2009


From Long Story Longer. I just love her. She's all sorts of cool. She runs 5ks, dreams about girl sex, takes surfing lessons (and tangles with surf boards) and she has some gorgeous photography on her site. See. She's cool. Just the kind of chick that you wish lived next door.

I had to steal this when I saw it. Here's hoping that if you're married straightly, that you were virginal.

Otherwise, off with yer head! ;) Sorry ladies. It's the law.