Guest Post: Needle In The Haystack, Chapter 1

I thought you all might enjoy a little strange. I've persuaded one of my friends to guest post about a time in her life that was very interesting to me. I'm always intrigued by straight women and how they wander to the other side. How they do it. Why they do it. The intricacies of maneuvering around a husband, children, family and friends to find the life that they want for themselves. It's sometimes a life that they've only dreamed about.

When my friend told me this story, I asked her to write it out so that I could tell you. I know that we now have two stories going on here, but you're a smart crowd. Come on, it's gonna be fun!

I'd been thinking about it a lot the past 2 years – how much I missed the intimacy of a woman. I really thought I had put it all behind me. I firmly believed that my experiences throughout my 20's were nothing more than sexual exploration.

Then I met her on a "mommy" email list. She was intelligent, witty and in much the same circumstances as me. She was married, with three children, her husband knew of her attraction to women, but was clear that he would not allow her to pursue a relationship with a woman while they were married. She opted, instead, to have a lesbian affair - one that had ended quite some time ago. I wanted to be her next.

We would see each other every other month or so. I would travel to her home, visit with her kids and her husband, all the while my heart aflutter. I'd look at her, then have to avert my gaze downward just knowing that my desires would be evident if I looked at her any longer. There were times, when we'd sit on the sofa next to each other, our bodies "accidentally" touching, where I had to focus on something other than the touch so that I wouldn't take her right there in front of the kids. I wanted her – emotionally, intellectually, and physically.

This cat and mouse game continued for close to a year, never even resulting in a kiss. Maybe she tired of my inability to initiate the physical contact. Maybe I tired of not having the guts to do what my heart so badly wanted. We never discussed why it ended – the visits just stopped. She stopped reading my blog. She stopped writing her blog. She was no longer available on IM. I missed her. I wondered if she missed me.