Tuesday, May 6, 2008

You Know She Has A Crush On You....Don't You?

Two of my friends came to visit. I poured wine. Another friend came over. I poured more wine. Then the conversation turns to those two friends who aren't here, a lesbian couple, Erica and Stephanie. We all go to church together and are friendly, but not exceptionally close. Only Shane and I are buddies from our 20's.

Me: So what's the deal with Erica?
Shane: (Odd look with evil grin)
Me: Tell me!
Shane: You know she has a crush on you, right?
Me: (Clueless wonderment, then the light bulb goes on) No. Why would you think that?

Shane offers the following proof:

• After knowing me for three months, Erica asks me to stand beside her at her wedding.
• Erica invites me over to dinner with the two of them and forgets to invite anyone else. Then wants to go to a strip club. Stephanie proceeds to get mad. Erica says that just the two of us can go. Um, no.
• Erica calls me daily to discuss my girlfriend whom she's not sure about.
• She writes fairy tales about me:

Once upon a time there was a princess named Gwen and she had been tortured for years by an evil troll.

Every night she would spend hours dreaming of what life would be like outside the castle where she was able to ride the pretty white stallions and take in the fresh air of the countryside

One day, the troll was walking through the enchanted forest and fell into the pit of insanity and she was no more.

Now Princess Gwen had been imprisoned for so long inside the castle that she almost feared life on the outside and it took months of coaching from her maids until she had the courage to emerge.

And low and behold...what did she find when the castle door opened....but Princess Charming riding around the moat in her baby yacht with cans of bug spray and tiki torches on board to fix up the castle grounds

Princess Gwen was so enamored by Princess Charming that she laid down right there and gave herself to her. Yes..princess Gwen is fast.

Princess Charming instantly fell in love with the wit and beauty that she had only found in the fair princess.

but there was a problem....

Princess charming lived in country far, far away.

At first princess Gwen was very glad, for this was the first time in a long time that the castle was all her own, but soon she found that she wanted Princess Charming with her more and more and her visits became more and more frequent.

She sent her best page out to send a message to Princess Charming, pouring out the contents of Gwen's heart.

When the messenger arrived, he found that Princess Charming already had her chariot packed and was attaching it to her horse, Uhaul.

It would only be a few days until they would be together again.

When Princess Charming arrived, Princess Gwen had all but forgotten how good independence tasted...she was ready to taste something new.....

She prayed it would not be fish, because seafood was her least favorite.

She prayed for no crabs as well.

But alas...Princess Charming rode up in all her glory...swinging her hat in the air and gleefully exclaimin.."YeeHaw!"

They embraced...kissed and did other unmentionables and that ended the short lived freedom that Gwen once longed for.

But hopefully...they lived happily ever after


Kinda makes you all wish you were lesbians and embroiled in the constant web that is our lives, doesn't it?


Tequila Mockingbird said...

awe. i love lesbian fairy tales. they are certainly waaaaay better than hetero ones.

good call not going to alone to the strip club with her.

elizabeth said...

I write drunken faery tales about Spartan and then make them into creepy little scrapbooks and mail them to him.

Too much information?

Tall Man Molly said...

I didn't understand the fairy tale.......

Akelamalu said...

Wotcha gonna do?

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Whoa...hey is this a girl gets girl kind of story? It sounds like it. And I like it.

Ah...I can see her going head over tea cups over you...you are beautiful, wonderful...sexy and face it...who cold blame her.

sweetie...wha-cha-gonna-do? This is better than "The L Word. sweetie, you have to write a script and send it in...this is a gem. I have to know...what happens. Oh and if you play you, can I can play her in that HBO series?

ciao babes...fab post.

Beth said...

oh, ya....totally crushing on you.....what will be the outcome?

Jen said...

Oh honey, you made the front page news. . .! Or in this case, front page Fairy Tale. So, um, right. Standing up for her in her wedding? What's up with this? She married and no happy times no more? Thinks you want to be embroiled in a sordid affair with her? I'm lost.

I used to be blonde, but I'm not anymore, yet I'm still confused.

Biscuit said...

Yep, she's crushing. Odd to ask a crush to be a part of your wedding party, though!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Tequila: Yeah, that was early on. I am SO glad I didn't go. Now I know why her girl was SOOO pissy!

Elizabeth: I'm sure your fairy tale scrapbooks aren't creepy at all. Really.

Tall Man: I can't explain.

Ake: Back off slowly.

Spiky: Only you will be up for that part!

Beth: I'm creeped out by her now. So nothing's gonna happen. NO-thing. Plus, my girlfriend would kill her. Quickly.

Jen: I have no idea what she thinks. Absolutely no clue. And really, I dont' wanna know.

Biscuit: I thought so, too.

Dana said...

Well ... you know ... she isn't the only one who has a crush on you *wink*

Jay said...

I think you should take that fairy tale and turn it into a screenplay for Disney.

I would have gone to the strip club with her. ;-)

Hammer said...

infatuation..it gets uncomfortable really quickly. Good luck!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Dana: Whatever do you mean?

Jay: That's funny! Disney's Princess Charming and her lesbian love slave! And you Mister would be in BIG trouble!

Hammer: You nailed it. (pun intended)

Ginormous Boobs said...

I love girl/girl drama...and other stuff..

Lu' said...

She's got it bad for you alright. Well, you are hot.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Gi: There will be no "other stuff!"

Lu: Ain't I though?! :)

Talisman said...

I totally would have gone to the strip club with her. ;) Ok not really, but I would have thought about it and wonder about the likelihood that her girlfriend could kick my ass.

Turnbaby said...

Oh my---who needs such drama?



C said...

That was the most unfairy tale I have ever heard but I liked it.

Bizarro Aunt Jackie said...

I had sex in a dream the other night with Alyssa Milano, does that count? LOL... I don't know why, even if I was a lesbian, I'm not sure I would be into her. Still, it was kind of hot in the dream... then later in the night it was sex with my husband. That's pretty nice of me :)

I had a sexy night that night!!!

buffalodickdy said...

Nice to have fans, isn't it?

Em said...


KellyKline said...

Yep, definitely crushin'!

And the horse - UHaul - oh my god, I about fell off the couch! You see, all these heteros don't understand the humor in that. Heheh ... lesbo humor's the best.

For instance, someone asked me how long Chelle and I have been together. I answered - almost three years. All big-eyed, she goes "Wooooooow!" (y'know, kinda like Flavor Flav). And I said, "I know, right?! That's like FOREVER in LESBIAN years!"

Fortune Cookies said...

sounds like a big ole crush fo'sho! lol watch out! those things get out of control in a hurry. hey, i'm gonna email you about some job possibilities... look for fortune cookies email :)

Anonymous said...


Baby said...

Whoa - love the Fairy Tale...AND I agree with Jay above - definite Disney Material!

Jo said...

She's putting a lot of thought into this crush! Are you weirded out by it? I guess you better try very hard not to look too fabulous at the wedding.

Diva said...

I'm always happy to see the goings on in other people's lives. Makes me remember I'm not the only one with silly stuff happening.