I'm Closer

It’s 1:22AM.

Dark.

My woman is coughing her fool head off. She wakes The Dogs.

Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if SHE took them outside to go poop. But she doesn’t. She sleeps on the OTHER side of the bed. You folks who use that argument amaze me. I mean, how do I let that work? I’m educated. I went to college. Have some Master’s work. But somehow I can’t come up with a rebuttal for, “But, you’re closer.”

Apparently, I’m not lawyer material.

It’s 20 degrees outside and they have to poop. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that big of a deal. I just have to walk to the back door to let them out. But it’s so cold. Oh, and I don’t want to. It’s 1:22AM.

But I do it anyway...because I'm CLOSER.

Trace has something to say. She was raised a Search and Rescue dog, so she has her ways of saying, “Really, you need to see this.”

I assume she wants to show me the back door in hopes that I’ll open it.

As I turn the corner into the kitchen, she looks at me with that, “SEE!” look.

Poop. EVERYWHERE. All over the kitchen floor. Hard. Dry. A major dump.

THIS is not my job. I’m in charge of everything but poop. It makes me squeamish. It’s the reason that I don’t have children and must have a girlfriend or understanding neighbor close by. I just can’t do it.

But tonight I have to. My girl’s been sick in bed since Saturday night. Not like her at all. She’s so sick she’s not even made it to the couch for the TV marathon that lets most of us know that we’re on the mend.

I throw something on just in case Leighann’s peeking again. Isaac Wayne sits in the doorway of the kitchen with the “ Ima so sorry. I wish I could help” look.

He watches over me as I finish and walks me back to bed. Like he always does. He never goes to bed without me. If I’m up, he’s up.

I just hope in my next life that I come back as one of their dogs. Big, fluffy beds. Belly rubs. And somebody to love me even when I poop in the floor.

Shiny Things

Buffalodickdy at Opinions and Rectums, We All Got One said...

I'd like to hear how you started making jewelry! Is that what you do for your job?


Hey Buff,
Sadly, no that's not what I do for a job. I'm an office manager for my family business. Bohr-ring. I'm an artist trapped in the body of someone who likes to live well. You can't have lobster in TN off of what I make on my jewelry.

I have always loved glass. In 2000, I took a stained glass class from Prism Studio and fell in love. Not with them. With the glass. Then one day, as I was spending my paycheck at their store, I saw a necklace on a woman. It was stunning. I asked her where she had gotten it and she told me that she had made it in her kiln AND that she taught classes. I took a few classes from her and here I am.

My next venture is learning silver smithing. I'm taking a class in April, so that I'll be able to set my own stones. Ima so excited!

Now I just need someone to come over and help me organize my glass table. It's a disaster. Typical artist style with stuff strewn EVERYWHERE. I'll give you a free bauble!

Oh, For Fuck's Sake

Jodie Foster acknowledged her long time lova-girl Cydney Bernard during her acceptance of the Sherry Lansing Leadership Award. Jodie thanks "My beautiful Cydney who sticks with me through all the rotten and the bliss."

Am I the only lesbian that just doesn't give a shit. Jodie, we know. What's the big secret? Just say it and get it over with. Everybody's doing it. If you're wanting publicity for being gay, you may have missed that bus. We're damn near normal now.

Being in the closet is so last century. Hell, the teenagers are going all LUG and BUG. Catch up, girl. You're just a plain ol' lesbian now.

Yeah, yeah...I, too remember when we used to be cool and different. But that was last year.



P.S. If you need a laugh...look here.

Lesbian Fantasies

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Shane from You Go Ahead And Keep On Believing That said:

"My question for you is this...

Since it's a popular fantasy of men to wish about having sex with 2 lesbians (or at least two women) what is the popular fantasy for real lesbians?"

Hi Shane,
I can only speak for myself, but I like role-playing. You know, Sexy Girl Plumber and Horny Housewife, The Professor and Ginger and the old "Is The HandyGirl Here Already? I'm Still In My Nightgown!" So, we kinda make those fantasies come true.

I have some bondage fantasies, but I'm not that crazy about playing them out. I keep those in my head. I've had some S&M fantasies, but they didn't turn out so well. And occasionally, I have the man fantasy.

There, I said it.

It's only a fantasy, because honestly, I hate whiskers. HATE. THEM. Even on Patrick Dempsey and Keith Urban.

What are YOUR fantasies? Everybody, please. Not just the lesbians. What TURNS YOU ON in the depths of your brain where no one else can look?

Quiet Please

There are four of us in the room. Me, her, one white rottweiler and one black rottweiler.

I'm asleep, lying on my stomach with my arms wrapped around my pillow.

I rise up on my forearms and look to my right at the love of my life. She's still awake. Watching TV.

"Whoever is growling, grumbling or snoring needs to STOP." In my most irritated tone.

I've been rustled from dreamland. Damn them. Waking me up. They are all three looking at me.

She's stifling her laughter.

I keep looking at her as my brain comes out of the fog. The room is silent. The TV's volume is so low that I can't even hear it.

She can't control her laughter.

A smile crosses my lips as I realize what has just happened.

I snored so loud that I woke myself up.

You Don't Know

I didn't tell you everything, because well, I just didn't. I've learned that I don't have to answer every question that is asked of me nor do I have to tell every detail when I tell a story. Plus, it would have been damn long if I told all of it.

But, I will tell you this...

I was involved with some really bad people. They were setting up shop in Nashville. Down from the North East. Let your imaginations run wild. Seriously.

Now, imagine a 25 year old, extremely sheltered young woman that was CLUELESS that those people even existed, dropped into the middle of it. I started out as the main guy's housekeeper. He knew that I was smart. He groomed me. I started working for him doing office work. Eventually I helped him open three different businesses and became a management consultant.

It wasn't all bad. I learned volumes about the Futures and Stock Markets. How to handicap horses. How to start a business. I escorted him to the Rockhaven Nudist Colony in Murfreesboro, TN. There were lots of good times. That's what made it so hard. I really liked this man.

I'll tell you one more thing. That daring of God to save me. Did you wonder how that all worked out?

Kim and Suz, my buddies, forgot that I had told them that I wouldn't be around that night. When they both talked to me, they knew that I was drunk. This was rare for me. I'm just not a big drinker, plus I had asked her about diazepam, which is a sleeping pill. Kim got nervous and called the police. She convinced them to come check on me. All she had was a phone number and my name.

Kim gave the police my parent's phone number and they looked up the address. They arrived at my parents and knocked. No one came to the door. They used a battering ram to bust down two doors to get to me. They weren't even sure that I was in there.

If Kim and Suz had paid attention to the fact that I told them I wouldn't be around that night, I wouldn't be here.
If they'd just blown it off as me getting wasted, I wouldn't be here.
If the cops hadn't believed Kim, I wouldn't be here.
If the cops would have just knocked and left, I wouldn't be here.

Who saved me?

Was it Kim and Suz?
The cops?
Or was it God?