It's not that one thing that someone said THAT day. It's not one thing. I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for me. For 25 years, I lived a lie. Not a big lie. But a thousand little lies.
At 16, "Do you have a boyfriend?" "No." It lead them to think that something was wrong with me, because I didn't date.
I lied about my sexuality, which lead me to lie about where I was going and with whom. I lied and lied and lied and lied. I lied about where I went on vacation. I lied about who I lived with. I lied about who I loved.
Then there are the people who are mean in this world. I can't blame them. Some people are entertained by fat kids or people who are different. Some people are just mean to be mean. I don't blame them, just because I don't have a thick skin. Maybe they thought they were helping to develop my tolerance for mean people that I would encounter when I grew up.
It didn't work. Even today, I don't tolerate mean people. My friends joke that I'm intolerant of intolerance. I don't like mean girls. I don't like people who are entertained at the expense of others. And I don't let them in my life anymore. That took a long time. It's too easy for some of us to be nice and just lie down like a doormat over and over and over.
"Grow some balls." No, I won't. Because then I'm not me anymore. I am sensitive and I'd rather be that way than ballsy and mean.
I've heard of too many people lately that have taken their lives. It's a shame. I wish I could show them what's around the next corner. There are many wonderful people in this world who will love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. You just have to live long enough to find them all.
I don't lie anymore. My family knows that I love My Love. My work peeps know her and love her. My uncle FaceTimes her. My mother ADORES her and calls her "my second daughter." She'll hug and kiss her every time she sees her, which is almost daily.
If you see someone in a lie, don't out them. Don't be mean. Don't gossip.
Love them. Love them the way they are right now. Tell them that you love the real them, not the lie them. Love is the only thing in this world that matters one little bit.
26 comments:
I am glad you have the courage not to live a lie. :)
If you grew balls, would that make you...butch? ;) My mom decided to come out when I was 10. I was okay with that and moved on. Then the ugly started. I learned as I grew and boy...do I have a set of balls.
Last night during a meeting, a female staff member got upset over the idea of being partnered with a gay male partner. I stepped in and said "I was partnered with him before and it was my honor to have worked with him. So either I work with him again or I work with you (meaning that woman)." The admin liked that and made me the lead with the woman. Yup, she got busted down. ;)
How do you like them "apples"? ;)
Thanks Lili!
Nolens, I do, I do like them, I do! You ballsy people that stand up and get ballsy about the right things ROCK!
Well said, my dear. I've been struggling with how to turn the phrase "don't be so sensitive" back on people and let them know that by suggesting someone is "too sensitive", they are just making excuses for their own meanness.
Someone once reframed the "lie" for me as being able "to pass" (as white, heterosexual, able-bodied,insert whatever privilege here). In some cases, passing and not passing can be a matter of life and death. I agree with you, to out someone who is trying to pass, can have dangerous and tragic consequences, as we have sadly seen. I also think that we tread into a murky grey area when we differentiate people who are "out" as being brave, proud, assertive, etc, versus those who are trying to pass because it is the safest thing for them to do. It puts the onus on the individual to stand up rather than on challenging our heterosexist society and getting more allies to speak out.
I don't like mean girls and I DO blame them. I wrote about a mean girl on my blog today. - G (www.georginadollface.com). I came here via Skyler's Dad, glad to be here.
Excellent points, Georgina. Passing is exactly what I was able to do because I'm femme. But effeminate men and butchy women can't. And I can't imagine how hard that is when everyone can pick you out of the crowd to torment you.
I got married to a man 27 years ago.. I had boyfriends too , but I wanted girl friends.. I had a rough time growing up, school .. I was bullied for being skinny n having crooked teeth.. it stays with you through adult hood.. I told my kids last xmas I was Bi-sexual, my daughter hates me, she is 24 and a lawyer, my husband is ok with me seeing women.. my parents don't know anything, they don't need to know, my brother knows I'm into women, he couldn't give a toss. I am living a lie, because deep down I know I am gay.. I'm out at work as gay.. they don't pester me, I tell em to mond their business n fuck off. My best friends know n don't give a monkeys.. I'm still comin to terms with it, I am 50 next year. I still live with my hubby.. he's fine with it... he's one in a million, I shouldn't have to explain mself to any one.. any one who needs to know..know.. the rest can go fuck em selves.. Just be YOU.. everything else will follow.
((((((((hugs|)))))))))))
Indi
xx
Lynda barry, who does a comic strip plus books etc, wrote that when people told her not to be sensitive, its like they expected her to just cut it off or that it could be cured like with an antacid for a bad tummy. On the other hand, my point is, people CAN learn and try to be polite to others. Isn't that Christian? Or even something we try to make little kids do?
Indi: Sing it, girl! Those who love you will always love you.
Cousin Gary: You think mean people can learn? I certainly hope so....for all of our sakes.
There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Some people are just born mean but what goes around comes around.
Those of us out here that know you, but have never met you in person, love you just the way you are!
A great posting. I have always believed in Live and Let Live.I accept you for who you are and what you are not.I think that is why I did a repeat posting today on Golch Central.
Most of the people I've met (by which I mean my family) who say they're being mean to you for your own good are just using that as an excuse. To paraphrase Elwood P. Dowd, "In this world you must be oh so clever or oh so kind. For years I was clever. I recommend kind." And if that doesn't work - chainsaw to the face.
Oh yeah for sure...and the rest ? who gives a shit eh? ;*
Indi
xx
Very powerful post. I was bullied for many many years growing up. I was overweight and not very outgoing so i guess i was an easy target. It stays with you....always. I hope my children never have to experience that.
I love this post. And I'm intolerant of intolerance too.
VERY WELL SAID!!!!!!AWESOME POST
I love this post. I've been on the verge and, decades later, I wish I could just tell those that are thinking about it, that there's always a better tomorrow.
Honey, you were one of the many women on the 'net who inspired me to FINALLY stop living a thousand little lies. Though things didn't work out with the woman whom I thought was the love of my life, I'm out, baby.
I've never felt more fully myself than since I finally came out to EVERYONE. People at work know. My family all knows - even my elderly aunt who engaged me in conversation tonight about the end of my relationship. No judgment, just love and concern. She didn't say, "Oh good, you're not gay anymore." She said, "You'll find someone who will love you for the person you are."
Awesome. As Amy Ray sang, "Tolerance, it ain't acceptance / I know you wanted it to be / Way out in Laramie."
Everywhere is Laramie today. We have to stop all these tragic suicides and hate crimes. And it has to start at the top. And it has to be in the hearts of everyone. A little love. A little understanding.
Peace - D
Love is all there is. It’s more than enough.
All the best, Boonie
thank you
k-
I live a lie, and no matter how many "secrets" I tell, there is one I just can't get out.
People ... people just don't care - or are oblivious. I just hope it is the later.
the older i get the less i care about what people think of me, my sexuality, whatever. its because of people like you that show by example how to live life out loud. love your blog, thanks for keepin it real.
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I haven't been here in awhile and almost forgot how much I love YOU. Thanks for this.
The older I get, the less I'm inclined to be tolerant of intolerance. I used to keep quiet to keep the peace - it was the whole "good girls don't make waves" bullshit I was raised with. These days? Not so much. Someone has to educate the ignorant and stand up to the bullies - why shouldn't it be me?
Gods bless you!
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