I Wish You Could Have Gone With Us....

but I'm glad you didn't.

Because I was tired from all of that swimming. So tired that I wanted to go down below to take a nap. My girl wanted me to come up to the deck to bask in the sun a little longer. But no, I was just wiped out.

I head down the steps to the little cabin and strip off my wet suit. I recline on the bed to relax for a few minutes. Here comes my girl. She raises her eyebrows, smiles and strips off her bikini. She joins me on the bed of soft grey comforters and pillows.

I'm just too tired. Oh wait, maybe I'm not.

I wasn't. But then I was.

I made dinner anyway. Organic Beef Spaghetti Sauce with Caramelized Baby Bellas and Buttons over Whole Wheat Rotini. Because, you know, a girlfriend needs a hearty meal after a hard day on the lake. You never know, she might need her strength for later.

*wink*

A Day In The Life Of A Real Live Lesbian...

whose girlfriend has a big boat. It's one of the things that got her noticed by me. Cute girls and big boats really turn on my flirtatious nature!

Yesterday, after work, I met her at the dock for an afternoon on the lake.

We head out to our favorite spot, that we call Turt Cove. We always see turtles over there. Small turtles. The cute size. Sometimes a duck or two.

As it got warmer up on the sun pads, we headed to the back platform to jump in. We settle in on our rafts. Then my girl shrieks. (FYI: not her style) She's just seen a huge turtle. Of prehistoric size swimming with us.

I'm not losing a toe to some gigantic snapping turtle. Out of the lake we scramble to lie in the sun some more.

I had promised a friend that I'd swim for 15 minutes yesterday at the lake. Just to get my cardio in. Fifteen minutes should be a BREEZE! But we've just encountered Gigantaturt and I'm feeling lazy. I look over at her and say, "Instead of swimming, let's just go for a walk when we get home, ok?"

Out of nowhere, a duck and her eight ducklings swim up. Cool! We get them some chips (not my soy chips) and start tossing. All nine ducks are quacking softly and grabbing the chips. Then a turtle comes up to eat. Then two more turtles. Then a school of bream. Geez Louise, everybody's hungry here in Turt Cove! I start tossing in my healthy snack of cut up watermelon. Turtles LOVE watermelon!

Responding to my earlier bout of laziness, my girl says, "I think you should swim...plus, your raft is floating away to the middle of the lake. Looks like a good time to get that cardio in!"

Dammitalltohell! Off I swim to retrieve my fancy dancy float, while the turtles were otherwise engaged with watermelon.

I'm happy to report back today with all phalanges in place. It was so much fun! I wish you all could have gone with us!

How Gay Are YOU?

Yesterday, I received a comment about one of my old posts. It got me to thinking. How gay are ya'll?

I know how gay I am. Pretty damn gay. About an 8.5, I think.

If I met the right man. With the right mindset. With the right body. On the right day. And I had no female options. I would. And I wouldn't have any problems spending my life with this Right Man. But boy, would he have to be right and he'd have to keep his manly self in perfect form, like no whiskers and be sweet all the damn time, to keep me.

But on most days, I don't even notice men. Their anatomy doesn't interest me. Well Matthew McConaughey's does, but his brain doesn't. Dumb people just kill my libido.

So my question is....how gay are you? On a scale of 1-10, what's your gayness? Would you have sex with the same sex? Have you? Will you again? Feel free to tell stories! I love stories!


P.S. I won't tell a soul what your answers are.

The Miracle: Unveiled

Yesterday, I arrived home from a day at the office to see a huge box on my doorstep. It was hidden by the UPS guy in the usual way. My doormat gently placed over top, so that the side writing was still visible.

What is it? Glenny's Soy Something or other?

I burst into the house and tear the box open. Now this is no small box. This is a huge box! Full of every variety of soy crisps that you've ever dreamed of.

There are:

Lightly salted
Apple Cinnamon
Barbecue
Cool Ranch
Cheddar
Onion and Garlic
Caramel
White Cheddar
Salt and Pepper
Sea Salt
Olive Oil
How to choose? There are sooo many!

This is the miracle that my buddy's been teasing me about. Under 150 calories. 140 for a bag to be exact. Cures the carb craving with very few carbs. I am skeptical.

I rip open the bag. Taste my first soy chip. Oooh, it's good! No, it's great. Crispy with tons of little sprinkly vegetable flakes and salt all over it.

I ate the entire bag. I was satisfied.

I didn't even think about wanting something else until dinner.

Thanks, my friend! You are my weight-loss hero!

Ordering the Protection

During the last week, I've been contacted via phone and my house has been driven by twice by my Ex-The Redneck.

She used to live four houses down because I asked her to go stay with her friend that lived down the road. I never let her come home. She asked. I said no.

Now, when she comes to see him, she is compelled to come down into the cul-de-sac and do a drive by. I suppose she just can't stop herself. Will I be in the yard? Will I finally be friendly?

I should have filed an Order of Protection two years ago. I'm wondering if it's been too long? Will I look silly after two years going into the police station to ask that my ex not stalk me anymore?

Liberty Bell Lamps

Last week, William came by to help me get the junk out of my attic to have a yard sale. He handed down pile after pile of stuff. Then, he handed me the Liberty Bell Lamps. Two. Identical. Antique? No. Horrible? Yes.

They came with my Ex-The Redneck. They were so ugly that they never saw the light of day, but we couldn't sell them since they were "family heirlooms." I've watched enough Antique Roadshows to know an antique when I see it. These were 1972 Colonial crap.

And they were such "family heirlooms" that she'd forgotten about them. For TWO YEARS.

Yesterday, at my huge yard sale, I took great pride in putting the lamps on the table with a price tag of .50 each. The second lady that walked up snagged them.

I put the .50 cents in my pocket.

Please, if you ever see 'em on the Antiques Roadshow, just don't tell me. Okay?