It was time to check in with Emma. As much apprehension as I have – most of it stemming from my own excitement yet uncertainty – I've decided to move forward with the meeting. It's just lunch, right? I sit down and compose a welcome back email.
Hope you had a safe and enjoyable trip to Vegas and aren't too "weather shocked." Seems winter came in with a vengeance today!
I suppose this is as good a time as any to address your question regarding meeting others' expectations ...
Well, it's been kind of a cornerstone of my life. I'm an only child and the expectations (behavior, grades, etc.) were high. I always had a goal to meet, but it was usually set by someone else. That continued on through most of my life. Now mind you, I haven't always done things in the order they were expected (as was the case with finishing my degree late in life), but I've met the expectations of family none-the-less.
Specifically in regards to my attraction to women, the expectation from my family was that I would meet a nice man, get married, and provide a grandchild. Because I do have an attraction to men too, I just kind of shoved that other side of me in to the deep crevices of my being. I could be - should be - just as happy with a man. A traditional, heterosexual relationship.
As life went on, it became more and more clear that I was denying an integral part of my being. I came to a place where I realized that I could love more than one person simultaneously for the different qualities they had. I also admitted to myself that I really don't have a gender filter when it comes to attraction to people. The attraction lies in the qualities of the person, not in the gender of the person. That said, I believe there are some basic personality differences in men and women (generally) and that they offer different satisfactions of my needs/desires.
Now, I've built this little life of expectations - the husband, the career, the home, the kids. I fulfilled the expectations of others, but ignored (for the most part) my desires. Yes, some of the expectations of others were also mine, but there has been this chunk of life that I've set aside and I'm just not willing to do that any longer.
The trick is in being true to myself while protecting the interests of those I love. I don't want anyone hurt in this process - the goal is not to create drama, but rather to explore my needs/desires in a manner that is still respectful to them and to me.
Are you lost yet? It's not an easy thing for me to explain even though it feels quite concrete.
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts ...
Wow! If that wasn't a page full of thoughts, I don't know what is. This was the first time I had really put all of this down in writing. Before, it was nothing more than a swirling of thoughts through my brain – always in motion, but never quite settled. Writing it down, and sharing it with Emma, made it far more real.
Again I had to wonder if maybe I'd said too much – or not enough. But this time, I didn't check my email every 5 minutes. I made the decision that being honest was going to be a critical part of this intimate friendship.
Within a few hours, Emma responded:
Great to hear from you, LouAnne -- I just re-read all our correspondence and, I must say, it's been an interesting exchange to date.
We had a wonderful, relaxing time in Las Vegas. Didn't end up doing all that much gambling, but we had a lot of fun doing endless walking, people-watching, dining and, at times, going our separate ways -- David to the sports book to wager on horse races and football games and me to the shopping mall and the pool, where I did a lot of reading. The weather was perfect -- in the low 80s. All in all, it was a great trip.
I found your latest e-mail very interesting. It sounds as though you are a true bi-sexual...perhaps more so than most of the women who post in the W4W section. The idea of not having a gender filter is fascinating. I wonder if that is true for me as well. I think, for multiple reasons, that I prefer to have a man (the right man) for my life partner. But for a sex partner, as I said before, I lean toward women. Actually, my dream scenario would be to have my primary sex partner be a woman, with an anonymous man showing up at the 11th hour to help finish me off (with the aforementioned marvelous creation) under her direction. And you're the first person I ever admitted THAT to!!!
Not sure how I came by my interest in women. Of course, it may just be genetic. Or it could have something to do with the fact that the most thrilling sexual experience of my formative years was with a neighbor girl during a sleepover. It involved nothing more than giving each other light chest rubs...and we didn't even touch each other's nipples. We took turns lightly tracing spirals that grew tighter and tighter around each breast, drawing ever closer to the nipple. I remember lying there, in exquisite agony, wishing desperately that she'd drag a finger across my nipple. She was probably wishing the same. It didn't happen, but the sexual tension left an indelible impression on my adolescent psyche. Perhaps as a result, I have always had a particular attraction to breasts.
Well, now you know things that none of my family or friends know. Isn't cyberspace correspondence amazing in that regard?
I'm looking forward to what I expect will be a wonderful visit on Saturday. I'll be looking for you at 1 pm. Saturday in the Nordstrom's shoe department at Franklin Mills, near the women's athletic shoe section. Actually, I did a ton of shopping in Vegas, so I don't feel as though I need as much time for it at Franklin Mills as I'd originally thought I would. So if you'd prefer to meet at noon or 12:30 instead, just let me know. Or later than 1 for that matter. Whatever is convenient for you is fine with me.
See you soon,
I think I read her email seventeen times before I could stop for a moment and breathe. I could so easily put myself in the position of laying naked next to her, giving her light a light chest rub, tracing those very spirals that grew tighter and tighter around each breast, drawing ever closer to her nipple. However, in my fantasy, her nipple would not be forgotten. Not only would I touch it, but I would lick all around it, and embrace it with my warm, tender lips. And that would just be the beginning.
It has now been two days since she sent that email. I am contemplating my response – should it be tender and understanding, or should I share with her how I see the replay of this childhood memory playing out as an adult? We will be meeting, for the first time in three days, and already I know that I want to kiss her.